Out with the old

By now you are marveling at the fresh new appearance of this once-hideous blog.

As I have often said, "Same old Hamptons, same old Maserati." So it's out with the old, and in with the new, as some of the more common folk might put it.

After finally turning this blog's fetid headquarters into an habitable domicile, I have transformed the blog itself into a monument to geometry and good taste. Beige, I believe, is the color of heaven. I shall have to check with The Player on that.

Some people, however, are obsessed with the past and have a difficult time of letting it go. And believe me, gentle readers, you will have to let your preconceived notions of this malodorous city go before I am through with you.

But have faith. Since there have been numerous queries from the blogosphere, as it were, as to the fate of some of those who have come before me (and whom I have spent considerable time and energy cleaning up after), I have decided to provide a onetime update on this establishment's former employees.

He Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken: Accidentally poisoned and detonated.

Karl: Karl remains on staff as a gardener and general handyman. The man is a wonder when it comes to wielding a rusty blade. The former proprietor, whose name, I think, should remain as rooted in the past as its owner most certainly was, had literally let this place go to seed. Karl has done wonders to tame that backyard and all of those horrible trees that grow in it.

The Countess: If she is a countess then I am the tooth fairy. And let me assure you that I am not the tooth fairy. When last heard from, she was in Monaco having her head grafted onto a zebra or some such. She apparently has suffered some unforeseen complications of that surgery and is indefinitely incapacitated. I am told she is in a coma. How appropriate.

The dimwitted Miss Emily: Perhaps she wandered into an unfamiliar neighborhood and can't find her way home. Who knows. She hasn't been heard from. There have been reports that she may be in hiding. (And she should be!) Clearly her absence will have no ill-effects on the future of the human genome.

The green creature: It has likewise flown the coop, as the former proprietor of these headquarters was no doubt likely to say. I suspect he has gone off to forage in the woods, where his natural camouflage might afford him some slight advantage over common squirrels and whatnot. At any rate a person of that color had no future here.

The felines: When last seen they were happily living in their natural state as well. Thankfully, they have not been spotted lately. One of them seemed quite stupid. Perhaps that green fellow has eaten them.

Past members who remain on my current team include the muscular R. Dodger and the increasingly insubordinate The Player, who has asked to be traded to another blog.

The most recent addition to Team Marge will be My Dear Dead Friend Truman. MDDFT, who spends much of his time in the spirit world, has been added to the blog as my personal adviser.

Because he lives with one foot in the blogosphere and one foot in the spiritual realm, his blog entries may occasionally go POOF!

I am currently en route to an undisclosed location, dear friends, and I shall speak with you again soon.

Cheerio!