Thursday, July 26, 2012

Let the Games begin


Monday, November 28, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Well, it's complicated



I'm not dead?

No. You see ... Karl and some of his friends created that rock slide in order to kill your sister.

Why would anyone want to kill Marge?

Well, it's complicated. ... Um you see, back in 1865 when you were playing with Marge in Japan, there was a rock slide. Except that in this rock slide you and Marge were both trapped in the cave.

Oh my! Poor Marge.

Um, yes. Poor Marge. ... But what happened was, Marge decided that the only way to survive being trapped in the cave was through cannibalism.

Cannibalism?

Yes. She ate you.

But ... but ... she had to eat me to survive. I had died and she was starving and she had no choice!


Actually, you were fine. She ate you alive. And you were only in the cave for about 20 minutes before rescuers arrived.

.But ... but ... that's not what happened at all. There was an angel ... and Karl.

Well, here's what happened. Marge lived a long time after that rock slide and she moved to Allentown and ate a lot of people and destroyed the city.

Impossible!

Some people from Allentown traveled back in time and tried to kill Marge before she ate you. One of them was Karl.

That was nice.

But it didn't work. They tried three times. On the first try, you and Karl got trapped instead of you and Marge.

So why did Karl try to eat me?

He gets confused. ... So anyway, St. Michael the Archangel intervened and he took you to Limbo.

Why did he take me to Limbo if I wasn't dead?

There's no daycare in heaven. He didn't know what else to do with you.

So Marge survived to destroy Allentown?

Yes. ... And no. OK, this gets a little complicated too. Marge did live and Marge did destroy Allentown. But the initial attempt by Karl and his friends to kill Marge was botched so badly that they created an alternate timeline that veered away from the original timeline at the time of the rock slide.

O.K. ... What happened the other two times they tried to kill Marge?

They traveled to her chalet in Turkey a little further ahead in time, but their rock slide missed its mark. They traveled back in time again to repeat the second attempt, but failed. They came to the realization that they could not kill Marge because Marge was no longer Marge. She was now known as Mrs. Egram.

She changed her name?

No. She was another person. You see the initial attempt to kill Marge in Japan in 1868 was so catastrophically screwed up that a new reality was created. The Marge who ate you and the Marge who did not eat you have led completely different lives in different time lines since the moment Karl and his friends caused that rock slide.

So the Marge -- or Mrs. Egram -- that didn't eat me did not become evil? And she is alive in an alternate timeline?

Well, she's still evil, of course. She's just not as evil. And she's actually here in this timeline now.

Can I see her?

Not at the moment. She's in Parallel Time at the South Pole.

Why was it that Marge became evil after eating me?

Also complicated.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

First off, you're not even dead




Baby Ronan?

Yes Santa?

It's time we talked. ... Do you remember how it was you came to live at the North Pole?

Well, I was playing with my sister Marge when suddenly there was this big rock slide.

And you were trapped in a cave.

Yes. And and a strange man was there in the cave and he said he reckoned he was going to have to eat me.

Karl.

Yes. Then St. Michael the Archangel appeared and told Karl he was not going to eat me and that he and his friends had screwed everything up.

And then what happened?

Well, I guess I died. ... The Angel took me to Limbo, where I did some time. ... Then after a while because of good behavior, I was sent to Purgatory, where I met Mr. Player, who had been sent there by Jesus for being jealous of Mr. Newman.

And when Jesus sent the Player to the North Pole after Marge was attacked by the Spanish Armada, the Player talked Jesus into letting you come here to to help Santa.

Yes. Jesus said that you had gone "completely apeshit," in his words, with your battle sleigh and that he wanted me to help you get off the bottle, which I guess didn't work out so good.

Hey! I've got it under control.

... And after Agent Bauer tortured the bad archangel Gabriel and Gabriel was eaten by a polar bear, Mr. Player, Agent Bauer, Rudolph, Bubbles and the Trexler statue went back to Allentown to travel into Parallel Time. ... And now I live here with you and Rudolph and all of the elves.

Well, that's what we told you anyway. But it's time you learned the real story, son. ... First off, you're not even dead.