ALLENTOWN IS NICE: January 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

I can see your house from here

Our captain has turned on the No Smoking light, so I would advise you all to fasten your seat belts securely around your waists. The bear rug shall have to make due as best he can. Light refreshments shall be served when we have completed our ascent.

Hmmm. How-a-come you got them no smokin lights when we ain't allowed to smoke anyways? Seems redundant. Hmmm.

They serve simply as a reminder.

So howcomes them lights lights up when it's a time to buckle them seat belts and they go off when it's a time to go to the bathroom? Mmm.

They indicate that if smoking were allowed -- and it is not -- you would be allowed to smoke -- and you are not -- during the time periods in which you are not required to have your seat belts buckled.

So how come them lights aint lit all the time if we aint never allowed to smoke?

Damn it, Karl, I don't know!

So if them lights go off and I goes to the bathroom maybe I can smoke in there? Mmm.

No you may not! You may not smoke on my aircraft at any time ever. Do you understand me?

Yes'm. I don't smoke anyways. Hmm mm. ... Hey, Ol' Marge, I can see your house from here.

The plane is still parked in my back yard, Karl! Would you please be quiet. And you shall refer to me as Mrs. Egram!

Mm. Hmmm.

Excuse me, Mrs. Egram, but where are the emergency exits and floatation devices?

There is, of course, the door from which you entered the aircraft, to your right, and if the plane were to break up during flight or amid a crash, I suspect multiple exits would present themselves. As for floatation devices, there are none -- excluding the bear. If we crash into the sea, we shall have little use for them as we shall be dead. Any further questions?

Hmmm. ...

No! ... Our plan is thus. We shall arrive at Alternate Allentown's Queen City Airport where we will be met by a private ambulance. We shall proceed to Alternate Atown-Liker's headquarters where we shall subdue him and access the so-called Secret Room. Honestly, is there anyone who doesn't know of its existence by now?

We been there. Hmm.

Yes Karl, you have been there. ... Once there, we shall return Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to 1865. ...

Excuse me?

No interruptions please. We shall then proceed to the forgotten underground comfort station and force Old Donovan to send us to Parallel Time. Once there we shall have Parallel Old Donovan send us to non-Alternate non-Parallel Allentown. Understood?

I have a question. ... Once we return to our own time won't we run into ourselves there?

You shall have to work that out amongst yourselves. ... I, for one, am counting on it.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I would like to meet this Marge

I have come to a decision. I shall endeavor to assist you gentlemen, which is an extremely liberal use of that word I am sure you would agree.

Help us? How?

Allow me to recap. Your dismal failure to execute me in Japan in 1868 created an alternate timeline in which I did not eat my brother Ronan and I did not become the person you refer to as the demon Marge. I did not subsequently venture to Allentown in 2009 and destroy that city -- although I must say some of your Marge's social strategies are quite intriguing -- along with committing various inconsequential offenses attributed to said Marge. You now find yourself trapped in this alternate timeline in the year 2009, unable to travel through time because of your troubles with the crows. Is that a fair summation?

I reckon so. Hmmm.

So, this is what I have decided to do. We shall fly in my private jet to Alternate Allentown, where Messieurs Bear shall access the Secret Room and be returned to 1865, before the break between real non-Parallel time and alternate non-Parallel time. There you shall live out your simple lives and attempt to be less disagreeable. Also, you shall refrain from attempting to kill me.

Agreed.

The the remainder of our party shall find the one called Old Donovan and compel him to convey us into Parallel Time.

Why Parallel Time?

I am so happy that you asked, my little toad. You see, this alternate timeline you have created through your cataclysmic incompetence exists in non-Parallel Time. However, there is no reason to believe that Parallel Time has been affected.

In other words Parallel Time exists as it was?

Well done, my dingy doormat! You have a penchant for re-stating the obvious.

So you sayin' we head on over to Parallel Time, then mosey on back into non-Parallel Time? Mmmmm hmm. An' things in non-Parallel Time'd be like they was before we changed everthing in 1868?

Precisely! At least that is the theory.

But what about you Mrs. Egram? What will you do?

Me? ... I would like to meet this Marge.

Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.