It's not a turtle, it's a dove

What the hell is this?

The list said two turtledoves.

These aren't doves. They're goddam turtles. ... Mutilated turtles with pigeon heads. What did you do?

They're "turtledoves," just like the list says. A cross between a turtle and a dove.

No, no, no! A turtledove is a dove. It's not a turtle. It's a freakin dove! This is sick.


Look, you want I should make this into a dove, it'll be on OT. Just remember that. And you owe me a break.

Freakin' elf union. ... I'll never get done by Christmas.

It ain't my fault I wasn't properly trained.

Dude, I don't want to be here when he sees the three French hens.

Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw!

Happy Halloween

Does this costume make me look fat?

Biebermania grips Valley

Here we are at the Lehigh Valley's largest newspaper. The final battle between good and evil is about to occur right across the street, but there's been no mention of it in the paper or the website. ... Excuse me, Mack. Who do I complain to about press coverage?

That'd be me. I'm the editor in charge of not covering things.

Well, explain this to me. The city all around you lies in ruins and the final battle between good and evil is about to occur right under your nose. And I'll give you a scoop right now. Evil's gonna win. ... You'd think the local media would be interested in covering what is likely to be the beginning of a reign of unspeakable evil over mankind, leading to the certain destruction of the world. Why no coverage?

The problem is, you don't understand what we do here. Nobody does. This newspaper is a tool. You're supposed to use it for life.

Tool is right. ... Your readers deserve to know about what's happening in their city.

Listen. Our readers are like sheep. We are their shepherd. They don't care about good and evil. Those are concepts. We don't deal in concepts. We deal in stuff. Our readers want to know about stuff. Fun stuff.


Like Justin Bieber?

Exactly. The entire Lehigh Valley is gripped in Biebermania. Our readers want Justin Bieber and, by jove, we're gonna give them Justin Bieber. If that kid so much as farts, we're going to be right on top of it.

Unacceptable. I want to talk to your supervisor.

Go right ahead. ... Dave! I got a guy here wants to complain about our coverage of the final battle between good and evil.


Don't bother me now! ... The satellite images are in. Justin may have a pimple! ... Get the chopper in the air!



Aye aye, Captain!

Parallel Time: Arf!

What the hell are we doin out in the woods?

Step away from the device

You hold it right there, fancy boy. What the hell did you do to my bear?

I meant no harm to your bear, dear sir. He had walked off with one of my instruments and I was merely attempting to retrieve it.


You killed him!

I assure you, sir, the bear is not dead. I simply applied a sleeper hold on him. Shortly, he will be frolicking about as if nothing happened.


He better be. ... What the hell is that thing anyway?

This? ... Why it is nothing more than a simple hot dog roll divider.


You're a damn liar! I know a polar destabilization device when I see one.

I assure you sir, I know nothing of this ....


Save it, bug-eye. ... Wait a cotton pickin' minute. ... You aren't on my list. ... You don't belong in this realm do you?

Well, you seem to have the advantage, sir. If you must know, I am an interdimensional tourist and I seem to have lost my way. Perhaps you could assist me ...


Bullshit! You're a damn interdimensional trespasser. Now step away from the device.

Yawn.

You see sir. It's just as I said. The bear is fine. ... And now I'd like to take my leave.


You ain't goin' nowhere, boy. ... Now step away from that device or I'll blast you right off this shish kebob.

You know about the shish kebobs?


I'm freakin' Santa, goddam it! Of course I know about the shish kebobs. Now step away from that device. ... Slowly.

Sir, this is just a grave misunderstanding.


The only thing grave around here ... what's that noise? ... What the hell?

I believe that's my ride. I bid you adieu.

POOF!

Son of a bitch!

Parallel Time: All part of God's plan

Hell, no! I'm not goin' anywhere with goddam Newman.

Normally I'd have eaten you by now

If you don't apologize, you shall suffer the wrath of the Really Big Crows! Caw!

You're the only crow I see around here and you aren't all that big.

Caw! You threaten Lord Bramwell's No. 1 hench-crow?

Normally I'd have eaten you by now, but since I've been in this transphasic bubble I have no need for sustenance.

Caw! How dare you! You shall be punished for your impudence!

I ate a crow once, you know. On the elevator. His name was Gorgon.

Gorgon was my father! Caw! You shall pay with your life!

Shut up, birdbrain. I hear something rumbling.

The bubble is shaking!

I think it's about to pop!

-POP!-