Incomprehensible, outlandish and, dare I say, boring

Incomprehensible, outlandish and, dare I say, boring.

The events I have related are quite true, Marge.

Henceforth you shall address me as Mrs. Engram! I do not know any of you ... people.

But, surely you remember me. You banished me from my home and had me hunted in the woods like an animal. You used to call me "toad."

I certainly see the resemblance, sir, but I assure you we have never met. And I wish the pleasure had been indefinitely postponed.

Oh, a Dickens reference. Touche!

Apparently you have some breeding ... be it amphibian or otherwise.

See here M-M-Mrs. Engram. The fact remains that an alternate timeline has been created and it must be mended if we are to return to our own times.

So I am to believe that you three people traveled through time and attempted to murder me in Japan one hundred and forty-five years ago? I am further to believe that you failed in your task, creating an alternate timeline in the process, then traveled through time again for no other reason but to bore me with the details of your misadventures?

Actually, after we failed to kill you in Japan -- twice actually, with my father's unsuccessful attempt being the first --- we traveled through time to kill you again here outside of your chalet by means of a directed rockslide. Only to have failed again, or so said the crows. So we traveled through time again to this point in history to again to try to kill you.

How considerate ... and if this story continues much further I fear you may succeed.

But, you see, we could not kill you this time because you are no longer you. You were not where you should have been at the appointed time. You are not the demon Marge, you are simply a somewhat disagreeable demonic persona with an unuually long lifespan.

How kind of you to notice, young man. And you were the polar bear cub you say I detested?

Yes, ma'am.

No small wonder. ... At any rate, this circus act of yours has ceased to amuse me me and I am no longer in the mood to humor you. You must leave my chalet at once or I shall have my menservants, who I assure you are very much alive, show you the way out.

Perhaps, then, Mrs. Engram, there is someone you will believe. ... Karl, Truman ... please come in.

Malik! Mr. Abbas! Come here at once!

Hmmm. I reckon them two Turkish fellers ain't a-comin, Marge. Mmmm.

Karl here accidentally buried them under a pile of rocks, I'm afraid.

You! You were present when my dear brother Ronan disappeared amid that rock slide in Japan when I was just a girl!

I reckon that was quite a whiles back. Mm hmmm. I had some french fried potaters that day. Hmmmm.

One hundred and forty five years ago, to be exact.

You murdered my brother!

More like we kept you from eating the little bastard. At any rate, little Ronan isn't dead. He was taken away to Limbo by Saint Michael and, according to the crows -- burp! -- he's at the North Pole in 2009 babysitting Santa Claus, alive as you or me.

Mmm hmm. He alive and with Santy Claus. Mmm. Them menservant fellers a yours, they's dead, tho. Mmmm.

If my litter has been damaged in any way, you shall pay dearly. ... What do you want from me?

Do you know a fellow named Old Donovan?

That's important ... isn't it?

We're back, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for tuning in. Red Devil here broadcasting from our newest hell portal at 6th and Linden where we are about to witness the final battle between good and evil. Helldog, what do you think of this beautiful facility?

It's just gorgeous, Red Devil. We're sharing the place with the federal prosecutors now and those guys are lots of fun.

Didn't there used to be a newspaper here somewhere?

Yes. There still is in a corner over by the printing presses. Actually, see those two guys down the hall looking out the window? I think they're in charge.

Hey fellas. I'm not one to tell another guy how to run his business, but the final battle between good and evil is about to take place right across the street. Shouldn't you be covering it?

Are we covering this, Mike?

Ah, we're gonna catch up with it tomorrow, Dave.

Well, jeez Mike, I don't know. ... The final battle between good and evil. I mean, that's important ... isn't it?

Big news day, Dave. I can't spare anybody today to cover it. We're swamped. Besides, nobody cares about Marge anymore.

What's Manny doing?

Dumpster fire in Moore Township.

Is that a big deal?

They saved some puppies. We have video.

Puppy video? Cool. Where is Moore Township anyway?

Who cares? We have puppy video!

What about Callaway, does he still work here?

Special assignment. ... Remember the kid who rented a horse and carriage to take his girlfriend to the prom?

Who could forget that? Compelling stuff. Just compelling.

Well, it's the three-month anniversary of that story. We're doing a retrospective.

Enough said. What about Hartzell?

No can do. They're filling some potholes on 22. We have video.

Pothole video. ... Sweet! Can we borrow somebody from sports?

Can't do it. They're following that IronPigs dog that got lost a few months ago. We got a tip he might run away again. He's wearing a collar cam.

An investigative piece! Great. ... Howabout an intern? I think we ought to get something on this final battle thing. I think Chicago gave us another three inches in the news section tonight.

Hmm. I'll see if I can shake somebody loose. Let me get on the horn to the newsroom. ... Who's got three inches for me tonight? I need three inches for my news hole! ... What? Your kidding! ... This is great stuff! ... Dave, forget the final battle between good and evil. We have real, actual breaking news!

Seriously?

It's the deep-fried pizza guy! You will not believe what he's frying now!

Puppies? ... Heart medicine? .... What?!?

Fried pizza! He's gonna fry pizza that's already been fried! Can you believe it? He's a freakin' genius!

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!! Where does he come up with this stuff??? Let's get a chopper in the air!

We gotta Tweet this now! ... And somebody get me some video!!

Wow! So this is New Media.