ALLENTOWN IS NICE: October 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

Dude, I'm WASTED

Dude, I'm WASTED. I was playing beer pong with the Octopus and he just passed out! It was awesome! He's totally pissed that his wife was on the Morning Call Web site yesterday and he wasn't. He just, like, flipped out! It was so awesome. Anyway, he said he was supposed to announce that some secret agent dude washed up in Parallel Time. Whoa! It's, like, almost my turn. ... Go, Mules!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Yoo-hoo!

Hi, girls. The Octopus here. Can you believe the morningcall.com did not put me on their Web page today? Yoo-hoo, guys! Wake up! I mean Lindsay Lohan? Pleeeease! She is so six months ago. Get with the program. ... Anyway, I'm supposed to tell you another guy washed up in a toilet in Parallel Time. Whatever.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

This is not what I signed up for

So what did you do with the my friends?

You have friends? ... The last two were sent to Parallel Time as I said. ... I'm not sure exactly where, however. Stall Number 2 is notoriously unreliable.

And the others?

Two were sent to Hell and one was sent to Macungie.

Listen Donovan. Enough people have been hurt here. I want that angel brought out of Macungie now.

What about the other two?

We should probably get them out of hell as well. Reindeer don't like the heat and Trexler might melt.

As you wish, Agent Bauer.

So, what happens next?

I shall send you to Parallel Time, where you will be given further instruction by my counterpart there. Stall Number 1. Very Reliable.

Now I'm not sure I should even go. This is not what I signed up for, Donovan.

We were expecting that reaction, Bauer. There's someone in Stall Number 4 who would like to talk to you.

Jesus H. Christ!

Actually, I stopped using the H a long time ago, dude.

Monday, October 5, 2009

I would want me too

I know you all recognize me and most of you probably want me. I can't say I blame you. I would want me too if I weren't myself, but I am. The lines form over there: Girls on the left, boys on the right. For some reason I can't use my real name on this blog, so the owner has assigned me the alias "Octopus." Whatever. He's not the first overblown freak I've had to deal with lately. Anyway, I've been hired here to be a part-time narrator, taking over the spot Donovan McNabb -- I'm sorry, "Don-Don" -- briefly held last year. Hopefully I'll stick around longer. I mean he actually remembered how to play football and got his old job back. Me, I'm not likely to do much of anything. But I sure show up on a lot of Web pages! Anyhoo, I've been asked to tell you that a few of the regulars here are making their way over to Parallel Time. That's it. Gotta run!

Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.