Secret Mission: Returning in 2 weeks

The St. Patrick's Day bassassacre

Alright folks, Red Devil here on Hamilton Street and I'm back after a break in the action in downtown Allentown. We've just witnesses an amazing air and sea battle on the Lehigh River that has led to the demise of both Santa Claus and the Spanish Armada. And now it looks like things are going to get started here again as St. Michael is back on his feet, looking quite fit after a shot of whatever that was in Dodger's syringe.

Irish Tenor here. Aye, Devil, it was an amazing battle on the river, though I must admit I missed a wee bit of it as I nipped in to the Brew Works for a couple a pints of Irish ale.

I thought you were banned from there after the ... incident.

Aye, lad, it's true I was. And begorrah they could never prove nothin'! I had to disguise meself as Michael Donovan to get in the door, I did.

Hey, whatever works for ya. ... Where the heck is Marge, anyway?

She headed over to the South Side, devil. It seems she threw every single bus in center city at St. Michael so she went over to the bicentennial park to get some more. It seems they park them in left field.

A bus garage in left field? Imagine that. The Phillie's could have kept Burrell if they had one of those in Citizen's Bank Park.

Padraig Burrell. Another fine Irishman unfairly set adrift.... Is it me imagination or does Ronan seem a bit ... wee?

Well, while you were eating your cabbage & potatoes or whatever, Cuchulainn had another warp spasm and reverted back to Ronan. He was so weak after he fell on his sword that he lashed himself to that lamp post just to keep from falling over.

We seem to be looking a little green around the gills, today Ronan.

I won't go down without a fight, archangel!

I was hoping you'd say that. Maybe I should untie you first?

I'll die on me feet, I will!

Whatever you say, demon!

Jaysus, Mary and Joseph! St. Michael has run Ronan through with his terrible swift sword! ... Tis a sad day indeed for an Irishman to die on St. Paddy's Day, it is. ... Even if he was an evil demon.

Heck, it's a sad day when any evil demon is killed by an archangel. ... You know, this really isn't the way I expected this to turn out. I feel awful.

Cheer up, lad and be glad you're not an Eagles fan. ... And besides St. Michael is a mighty heavenly warrior. He defeated Satan, you know.

Oh, fine. Throw that in my face. ... I just thought this time would be different ...

... Well, you know, lad, legend has it that Cuchulainn was so feared as a warrior that no one would touch his body until they were sure that he was dead.

How did they know?

According to legend, Cuchulainn wasn't dead until a giant crow landed on his shoulder and plucked out his eyes. And that hasn't happened....

Caw!

Oh, don't even ... Shoo! Shoo!

Caw!

Ah, for cryin out loud!

Down by the river, Part 2

... Yes Mr. Newman, I can be there in a jif.

With whom do you speak, Señor?

Don't worry your little head about it, Sidonia. My work is done here. I'm off!

But Señor, the armada is aflame and adrift. We are defeated.

Blah blah blah. Listen Sidonia, you're, like, 450 years old. You're already dead -- or you will be when St. Michael gets through with you. Anyway, ta-ta!

Dios mio! The angel swims away. ... Pendejo!

Can you move now, Gen. Trexler?

Yes, a little. Thank you.

That's what guardian angels are for!

Um ... you let me die once in a stupid car crash, remember?

Oh, get over it, tin man.

It's Helldog, here, folks. I'm reporting from the ruins of the Hamilton Street Bridge. ... As you know, Gabrielle took out one of Santa's reindeer with a surface-to-air missile and the battle sleigh seems to have crashed into the old Neuweiler brewery. I say seems because it has suddenly gotten quite foggy here on the Lehigh River and the fog, combined with the smoke from this furious battle has obscured my line of sight. There also seems to be a preponderance of crows in the area, perhaps attracted to the plentiful carrion aboard the the Spanish ships, most of which are either sinking or in flames.

Red Devil here, Helldog. Perhaps those crows are attracted to antique cars and trucks? I mean the Lehigh Valley Transportation Museum is right there, isn't it?

It sure is. And let me add, if I might, it is a beautiful facility. A real showplace for these noble vehicles and a great destination for the entire family. ... Of course it's been totally destroyed in the battle, but, still, truly, a marvelous facility.

Is there any sign of Gabrielle, Helldog?

Actually, no, Devil. A few minutes ago Gabrielle -- also known as archangel Gabriel -- jumped off the armada's flag ship and disappeared into the fog. ... What's going on at 9th and Hamilton?

Actually, Michael and Marge seem to be coming around. Ronan, however, doesn't look so hot. He's trailing what appear to be bowels after that nasty collision with Gen. Trexler's statue. It looks to me like he's lashing himself to a light standard just to keep from falling down.

Interesting stuff. Tough break for Ronan, though. ... But let's hope that battle resumes shortly.


Come, Gen. Trexler, we must get you back to the park.


The park? Out of the question! I haven't felt like this in years. We must defeat the Spanish ... and I have an empire to run ....

General, your war has been over for 110 years. You won ... I guess. And your empire ... well .... you wouldn't recognize it. You must return to your perch in the park.

Wait, angel. There may be another war for the general to fight.

Who are you?

Listen carefully. My name is Jack Bauer and I can only hold my breath for 35 minutes. Jesus' entire network has been compromised. Heaven has a mole at he highest level. You are the only ones I can trust. I'm going to need the help of you and the general here to uncover the conspiracy.

And how, Mr. Bauer, you propose we do that?

Torture, sir. We'll need someone to torture.

Goodness, this robe makes it hard to swim. I wish I were skinny-dipping.

Ah! A likely candidate approaches!

Come with us Gabriel, or I will pick your flowers, one by one.

Oh, you evil creature! Mr. Newman will have your head!

Torture is not nice, Mr. Bauer! You are a mean man. There are rules against torture.

Rules? Do terrorists follow rules? Does Marge follow rules? Is Ronan nice? What, we have to be better than they are, as they kill us one by one? No, I don't think so. And the courts? ... Let me tell you about justice ....

OK, OK! Jeez, do whatever you want. You're giving me a headache!

Oh, look! A crow swimming under water. How cute!

Come with me -- all of you.