ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Congratulations! You're going to hell

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Congratulations! You're going to hell

Who else wishes to go to hell?

I'll answer your damn questions!

Very well. At a company fish fry, half the people in attendance are employees. Employees' spouses are one-third of the attendance. What is the percentage of people in attendance who are neither employees nor employee spouses?

When have you ever been to a damn fish fry?

Answer the question.

That's 16.7 percent, Skelator.

Amazingly, you are correct. ... Now the seond question. ... What is the Farenheit equivalent of zero degrees Kelvin?

Negative 459.67 Farenheit ... chump.

You are clever, but your third question will have to wait. Next up, the little reindeer.

Damn!

I'm ready!

If two of Santa's sleighs leave the North Pole 1 p.m., how many miles apart will they be at 3 p.m. if one travels directly north at 150 mph and the other travels directly west at 200 mph?

Santa only has one sleigh!

No, he has two! Remember? He has the battle sleigh!

The battlesleigh was destroyed by Gabriel. Remember?

Oh, right.

It is a hypothetical question. Just answer it!

Based on a false premise! Besides, Santa always starts his journey at midnight, not 1 p.m.

But there is no one time zone at the North Pole because all of the time zones meet there, theoretically. So somewhere in the world it would be 1 p.m. and for that country it also would be 1 p.m. at the North Pole.

You're not helping.

Answer the question now!

Fine. You can't travel north from the North Pole! Ha!

The Troll Bridge Commission accepts your answer. Next question. Socrates was a follower of Plato. True or false.

False! Plato was a follower of Socrates and Aristotle was a follower of Plato!

There goes my next question.

Heck! I would have gotten that.

Final question. Finish this sentence: On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me ...

Oh, God. I hate that song ....

Answer the question.

I'd like a life line.

A lifeline? There are no life lines.

Hmmm. It's either pipers piping or swans a swimming. ...

Pssst. Ahhh-chooooswans!

Um ... I'm going to go with swans a swimming

Is that your final answer?

Final answer!

Congratulations! You're going to hell.

Crap! POOF !

Who's next?

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.