Among other things, I am a Vampire hunter

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Maximillian A. Bear, father to Maximillian A. Bear Jr., with whom you may be familiar: He was the little polar bear chap. Originally from London, my family and I are temporarily living in Allentown in the year 1868.

Among other things, I am a vampire hunter. Unfortunately, vampires are somewhat scarce and I have never actually encountered one. In fact, I am no longer convinced there are any left. However, there is a vast assortment of demonic creatures walking the earth and in lieu of there being any vampires to hunt, I have begun to hunt those creatures as well. One of those demons may be familiar to you: Marge.

From what my son and his fellow time travelers have told me -- and I shall take for granted that you know of the time portal by now, as well as the sixth-dimensional rift and Parallel Time --Marge is no stranger to the people of 2008.

(I have recently learned that you are frozen in time at the moment and I wish to convey my sincere condolences at this unfortunate occurrence. It is my sincere hope that I can help end your predicament, which I shall explain later.)

Marge, you see, has had an exceptionally long life span. Longer, in fact, than I ever would have imagined, or indeed hoped for. My life's work has been dedicated to ending that lifespan, but apparently I was unable to accomplish this in my own lifetime, according to my son, who is familiar with the future. In fact, my son, who I am proud to learn will follow in my footsteps, will likewise be unable to kill Marge in his lifetime. Actually, according to young Maximillian, he and I are each fated to perish during our failed attempts to bring the demon Marge to justice.

I find irony in this knowledge, even if Maximillian's friend Karl insists it is but coincidence. And if I hear his ramblings about how those polar bear rug eyeballs are actually marbles I may go in search of my own Keyser blade to settle the issue once and for all.

Excuse me. My Victorian temper sometimes gets the better of me. (I have only recently learned that my temper is Victorian!)

Where was I? Oh yes. Marge. Marge has enjoyed an exceptionally long lifespan. You see, she is the progeny of a long line of demons and represents a sort of melting pot of evil beings, inheriting their various methods of holding death at bay. Some day when I have more time I shall outline her family tree. I'm sure you will agree that some lumbering is in order.

As for Marge's immediate family, her father -- Tad the Impaler -- was actually half vampire, which accounts for my initial interest in her. Her mother was a common cambion, the byproduct of a union between an incubus and a succubus and the humans that served as their vessels.

Marge also had a brother named Ronan. The boy was adopted and had a less potent demonic pedigree, descending from Celtic demons as well as the legendary warrior Cúchulainn. Ronan was killed in a rock slide when he and Marge were children. Well, he actually survived the rock slide, along with Marge, but they were trapped in a cave and Marge was forced to eat her brother to survive. Or, so she apparently imagined. You see, after about an hour in the cave, she was rescued.

With the insight we have gained from my son's experiences in the future, including his dramatic tête-à-tête with his own ghost, and with the help of young Maximillian's time-traveling friends, I believe we will be able to avoid our previous (actually, future) missteps. I have carefully studied the demons in her bloodline and devised the most effective method of killing her. (Karl insists a few whacks to the neck with his Keyser blade would be sufficient but I am convinced her head would simply grow back.)

Our successful execution of Marge will save the life of my son, as well as my own, and will prevent any evil act committed by Marge from this time on, including her wreaking havoc on Allentown in 2008. It would also, one imagines, prevent the seance which caused the sixth-dimensional rift leading to the predicament you find yourselves in now. Needless to say young Maximillian will be sternly ordered to refrain from entering any time portals from this point forward.

In order to set our plans in motion, we must first travel to Japan.