ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Like I don't have enough on my plate

Monday, September 29, 2008

Like I don't have enough on my plate

Nothing is ever easy around here. So I send an angel and The Player over to PARALLEL TIME to pull the Green Guy outta there. And what happens? The Angel and the Green Guy get captured by some Irish demon that's barely even on my radar.

Who has to bail them out? Who else. Like I don't have enough on my plate. So I go down there trash the guy's place a little bit and chase him off. Then the angel is all over me cause I didn't smite the creep. Like I need to explain how come I smote this joker in Parallel Time. I'm already tied to my desk as it is. I don't need more freakin' paperwork.

So I figure, I'm gonna have to take care of this sixth-dimensional rift deal personally. I mean Junior is already breathing down my neck on this as it is. So I go back to the house where they held the seance in non-Parallel Time. I figure we need three spirits -- me, the angel and The Player -- and three whatever-you-call-thems ... um ... humans. On the way there I grab this drunk guy called the Irish Tenor who was hanging around on Hamilton Street. I get to the house and I grab the blogger that lives there, Parallel Atown-Liker. Plus the Green Guy -- that's three humans. At least I think the Green Guy is human, but close enough.

We hold the seance. Same table where they said the seance that started this mess. I even light a Christmas candle cause the Green Guy says the spirits are attracted to the flame and the scent. Whatever. I do the honors, say we need to talk to Maximillian A. Bear Jr. I don't have to tell you what happens next, right? We get Maximillian A. BAER, Jr. They got freakin' Jethro in Parallel Time too. I didn't even know that. And I'm pretty sure he ain't even dead.

So I get rid of him and bingo we get the right spirit. So he tries to come across with all this spooky crap, Who has disturbed my rest, yada yada. Like I have the patience for that. So I sit him down and tell him straight. He's the cause of this problem and he's gonna fix it. He opened the damn rift and compounded the situation when he went through it and and took the Green Guy with him. So now he's gonna look real hard for that rift and jump back through it -- him and the Green Guy.

Once they're through, bang, time in 2008 starts again, Junior is off of my back and I can get back to my paperwork.

So I end the seance, blow out the candle and POOF! Everything is the way it should be. The

spirit and the Green Guy are gone. Parallel Atown-Liker is pissed off but I put him to sleep and won't remember nothin'. Then -- bing! -- like clockwork my cell rings.
.
I know who it is, he's one of my Five. It's Junior callin to tell me way to go, right, it's Michael to the rescue again.
.
Wrong. He's like, Dude the sixth-dimensional rift just opened again and the Green Guy didn't come out. Time is still frozen over here. Then he says there's this drunk guy singin' Danny Boy wandering around Hamilton Street. He's the only thing moving in non-Parallel Time and he just walked into the Brew Works and he's drinking their beer.

So I look around and son-of-a-gun, the Irish Tenor is gone. That freakin' spirit took the Irish Tenor with him.

So I'm thinkin' this doesn't make sense. In Parallel time the Irish Tenor is, like, the same guy as Atown-Liker is in non-Parallel time. Since non-Parallel Atown-Liker is dead, it shouldn't make much difference if his Parallel version comes over and replaces him. Right? I mean it seems right. Honestly, I can't figure out all this parallel crap. It's like some clown is making this up as they go along.

But then I'm thinking, how do I know Atown-Liker is even dead? I've never seen him. Surely he would have caused some trouble by now that I would have heard about. Well, he had a guardian angel and she told me he was dead, that's how. Some guardian angel. I'll give you two guesses who that

was.

It was the same angel who decided to be the guardian angel for Atown-Liker's friends after he was gone. What happened to them? All hell broke loose with Marge and they had to escape through a time portal. Same angel who decided to be the Green Guy's guardian angel when he was the only one left. And what happened to him? Good question. Same angel who got captured by a demon and waterboarded.

Hang on, it's Junior again. Yes, sir. I understand. I was told he was poisoned with a non-alcoholic

beer. They said the bomb squad detonated his body. Yes, the bomb squad. I'm not sure. Well, I'm also beginning to think he's not dead. Has anybody seen him? Is there any paperwork on him? The little angel. Yes, the same angel. Ditto. Same one. Hmmm. I've scheduled a performance review for her.... You've scheduled one for me as well? I see. Hmmm. More bad news? The Green Guy has been taken by the crows? The crows!?! For Christ's sake! Um, sorry. Right. I'm on it. Bye.

Um, I gotta go. We have a situation.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: This is freakin' hilarious, but it moves at the pace of a soap opera. I wouldn't be surprised to see Susan Lucci show up at Renaissance Square. Oh, dang, probably shouldn't have mentioned that...; September 30, 2008 at 8:59 PM
atown-liker said...: I'm in the Dominican Republic. Where else would I be this time of year?; October 9, 2008 at 10:59 AM

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.