I gotta run this up the flagpole

You have reached Michael the Archangel. I'm either on another call or away from my desk smiting a demon. Leave a message at the beep and I will get back to you.

Hello, Michael, it's the Little Angel calling in. Please pick up, it's urgent.

It had better be, Angel. You would not believe my day.



OK, last week six individuals held a seance to contact a spirit who had been dead for more than 100 years. They succeeded, but at the end of the seance a sixth-dimensional rift occurred and one of the six individuals was pulled into PARALLEL TIME and time in 2008 has slowed to a standstill.


A -- That's not the way it works. Seances, as a rule, do not open sixth dimensional rifts. B -- Situations arising from seances clearly fall under the responsibilities of the Angel of Death. Call Archangel Gabriel. This is not my department.


But I spoke with Gabriel. Gabriel consulted with the Dominions who ruled that a sixth dimensional rift was a planetary issue rather than a seance issue. The Dominions ruled that you would have to deal with this.


Planetary issues? I have had it up to here with planetary issues. Any archangel that doesn't want to do his job says it's a planetary issue and it gets dumped into my lap. Is that fair? And the Dominions? Don't get me started. Have any of them ever actually worked a day in their lives? ... Like I have time for this. Do you have any idea how many demons I have smote this week? Angel of Death, my ass. Why doesn't Gabriel do the smoting?

They say smoting is bad for your health.

Oh now everybody's a comedian. You know, you could be reassigned. The cherubim always need people to change their diapers. ... Alright, tell me again how this rift opened. Were there any spirits involved in this seance?


Yes. There were three spirits and three humans. At least I think the Green Guy is a human. And the spirit who held the seance ...

Whoa whoa whoa. First off, spirits ain't my department either. If a spirit needs to get out of a jam they should talk to Uriel. Second, why would a spirit hold a seance to contact another spirit. We gave them all unlimited minutes for any calls within the spirit world ... and that cost a bundle.


Well there were special circumstances. The spirit in question was a boy who in 1868 had passed through a time portal into 2008. Because a living boy could not exist in the same realm with his deceased spirit ...

... a stupid rule that I voted AGAINST ...


... he was transformed into a polar bear cub and transported to the Arctic Circle ...

... Raphael! His job! ...

... Subsequently, the bear was shot by a poacher and became a polar bear spirit ...

Animal! Again, Raphael!

... and said spirit returned to the house that contained the aforementioned time portal only to find that his corpse, as well as those of several of his polar bear friends were being used there as a carpet.

God, I need a Tylenol. So who was this polar bear trying to contact. ... And do not tell me himself.

Himself ... the self he would have been had he not passed through the time portal.
No, seriously. ... Oh, man. This polar bear has really screwed the pooch, pardon my vernacular. Why would he do such a stupid thing. Did he not get the handbook? It says quite clearly in Chapter 3, Paragraph 9. Subsection a), "Any spirit who for any reason finds him/her self in a time period other than his/her own shall under no circumstances try to contact him/her self. The results could be cataclysmic, including but not limited to creating a sixth-dimensional rift."

Apparently polar bears, and animals in general, do not get the handbook ...

Raphael and Uriel!! Here comes the reflux. I need a Prylosec. ... Ok what happened when this rift opened?

Well, the spirit who was called in the seance used the Green Guy as his medium. When he was dismissed to return to the spirit world, the Green Guy disappeared.

So, what happened when they tried to call the spirit back?

They couldn't. Just after the Green Guy disappeared Marge burst through the front door and she was 9 feet tall. ...

Marge?!?!? This conversation stops here. There's a whole committee dedicated just to Marge and there is no way in Hell, I mean Hades, that Marge gets dumped in my lap.

Well, we don't really have to worry about Marge. I think we just have to bring back the Green Guy and seal the rift. Besides, Marge is frozen in 2008. She was just about to fight the sea monster.

A leviathan! Clearly, that's way over my pay grade.

Please, the rift! We need to close it. Time has nearly stopped in 2008. The past could collide with the present if we don't act quickly.

Yeah sure. Dump it all on Michael. He can handle it. He defeated Satan, blah, blah, blah. ... I need a drink. ... So what happened when Marge came in?

Well, there was a fight. Karl and Miss Emily escaped through the time portal to 1868. The cute little polar bear and Truman reanimated two of the polar bear rugs, bit Marge and also escaped into the time portal. The Green Guy of course was pulled into parallel time.

And the sixth? The other spirit?

Oh yes, The Player. He poofed away.

The Player? The The Player ?? As in the personal friend of Junior Player?

He does claim to be acquainted with Jesus, yes.

I gotta run this up the flagpole.