Like I don't have enough on my plate

Nothing is ever easy around here. So I send an angel and The Player over to PARALLEL TIME to pull the Green Guy outta there. And what happens? The Angel and the Green Guy get captured by some Irish demon that's barely even on my radar.

Who has to bail them out? Who else. Like I don't have enough on my plate. So I go down there trash the guy's place a little bit and chase him off. Then the angel is all over me cause I didn't smite the creep. Like I need to explain how come I smote this joker in Parallel Time. I'm already tied to my desk as it is. I don't need more freakin' paperwork.

So I figure, I'm gonna have to take care of this sixth-dimensional rift deal personally. I mean Junior is already breathing down my neck on this as it is. So I go back to the house where they held the seance in non-Parallel Time. I figure we need three spirits -- me, the angel and The Player -- and three whatever-you-call-thems ... um ... humans. On the way there I grab this drunk guy called the Irish Tenor who was hanging around on Hamilton Street. I get to the house and I grab the blogger that lives there, Parallel Atown-Liker. Plus the Green Guy -- that's three humans. At least I think the Green Guy is human, but close enough.

We hold the seance. Same table where they said the seance that started this mess. I even light a Christmas candle cause the Green Guy says the spirits are attracted to the flame and the scent. Whatever. I do the honors, say we need to talk to Maximillian A. Bear Jr. I don't have to tell you what happens next, right? We get Maximillian A. BAER, Jr. They got freakin' Jethro in Parallel Time too. I didn't even know that. And I'm pretty sure he ain't even dead.

So I get rid of him and bingo we get the right spirit. So he tries to come across with all this spooky crap, Who has disturbed my rest, yada yada. Like I have the patience for that. So I sit him down and tell him straight. He's the cause of this problem and he's gonna fix it. He opened the damn rift and compounded the situation when he went through it and and took the Green Guy with him. So now he's gonna look real hard for that rift and jump back through it -- him and the Green Guy.

Once they're through, bang, time in 2008 starts again, Junior is off of my back and I can get back to my paperwork.

So I end the seance, blow out the candle and POOF! Everything is the way it should be. The spirit and the Green Guy are gone. Parallel Atown-Liker is pissed off but I put him to sleep and won't remember nothin'. Then -- bing! -- like clockwork my cell rings.
.
I know who it is, he's one of my Five. It's Junior callin to tell me way to go, right, it's Michael to the rescue again.
.
Wrong. He's like, Dude the sixth-dimensional rift just opened again and the Green Guy didn't come out. Time is still frozen over here. Then he says there's this drunk guy singin' Danny Boy wandering around Hamilton Street. He's the only thing moving in non-Parallel Time and he just walked into the Brew Works and he's drinking their beer.

So I look around and son-of-a-gun, the Irish Tenor is gone. That freakin' spirit took the Irish Tenor with him.

So I'm thinkin' this doesn't make sense. In Parallel time the Irish Tenor is, like, the same guy as Atown-Liker is in non-Parallel time. Since non-Parallel Atown-Liker is dead, it shouldn't make much difference if his Parallel version comes over and replaces him. Right? I mean it seems right. Honestly, I can't figure out all this parallel crap. It's like some clown is making this up as they go along.

But then I'm thinking, how do I know Atown-Liker is even dead? I've never seen him. Surely he would have caused some trouble by now that I would have heard about. Well, he had a guardian angel and she told me he was dead, that's how. Some guardian angel. I'll give you two guesses who that was.

It was the same angel who decided to be the guardian angel for Atown-Liker's friends after he was gone. What happened to them? All hell broke loose with Marge and they had to escape through a time portal. Same angel who decided to be the Green Guy's guardian angel when he was the only one left. And what happened to him? Good question. Same angel who got captured by a demon and waterboarded.

Hang on, it's Junior again. Yes, sir. I understand. I was told he was poisoned with a non-alcoholic beer. They said the bomb squad detonated his body. Yes, the bomb squad. I'm not sure. Well, I'm also beginning to think he's not dead. Has anybody seen him? Is there any paperwork on him? The little angel. Yes, the same angel. Ditto. Same one. Hmmm. I've scheduled a performance review for her.... You've scheduled one for me as well? I see. Hmmm. More bad news? The Green Guy has been taken by the crows? The crows!?! For Christ's sake! Um, sorry. Right. I'm on it. Bye.

Um, I gotta go. We have a situation.

We shall use bigger rocks

a

Sept. 23, 1868

Hello all. It is I, Maximillian A. Bear Jr.

Karl, Miss Emily, Truman and myself have arrived safely via the time portal to my family's home in Allentown.

.

We have spent most of our time here with my father honing our plans to kill the demon blogger Marge, the scourge of Renaissance Square.

.

Karl and Miss Emily have adjusted quite nicely to 19th century life. Karl has become something of a local celebrity with his topiary creations and Miss Emily has been spending much of her time playing hide-and-go-seek with my younger sisters and the cats that once belonged to the late Atown-Liker. (Actually one might argue that that good man has yet to be born.) Miss Emily is quite good at the game, actually. We haven't been able to find her for two days.

.

As for myself, my circumstances could not be happier. Upon entering the time portal I was restored from a polar bear cub spirit into a regular boy and was returned to my loving family.

Truman, though, has met a less fortunate fate. As you know, spirits cannot enter a time portal. However, Truman and I animated two polar bear rugs before entering the portal. I, of course, was restored to my human form. Truman, however, was transformed into a living polar bear rug. He has not adjusted well to that transformation and has been complaining bitterly.

There has been one fortuitous aspect to Truman's otherwise unfortunate circumstance. He has retained his spirit ability to fly. We have discovered that three people -- my father, Karl, and myself -- can sit comfortably on his back as we fly the Allentown skies at night like King Solomon on his magic carpet. (Curiously, we have lately found ourselves accompanied by numerous crows during our test excursions, a good omen, I hope.)

.

Truman shall be our means of conveyance as we fly to Japan to confront a much younger (and smaller) version of Marge than the one with which we were acquainted in 2008.

My father, a demon hunter of some renown -- he has been credited most notably with destroying Chad the Inhaler -- has after years of study divined the surest means by which to kill Marge: A rockslide.

Of course during my unhappy existence in the future I learned that this particular attempt on Marge's life will fail miserably. In fact, Marge will use the rockslide as an excuse to eat her younger brother and increase her already formidable powers.

But this time, thanks to an idea from Karl, we have a solution: We shall use bigger rocks.

.

We leave for Japan in the morning. Wish us Godspeed.

Pick up the damn phone!

(Continued from 'What the hell's going on here?' in Parallel Time.)


You have reached Michael the Archangel. I'm either on another call or away from my desk smiting a demon. Leave a message at the beep and I will get back to you.

... Hey! Pick up the damn phone! Hello? Hey, it's an emergency!

What the hell? ... Who is this?! How did you get this number?!

Hey, you better get your ass down here right now. There's an angel that's gonna be drowned!!

Hold on, hold on. A, Uriel is in charge of angels who have problems. He's speed dial No. 8. B, angels are all fine swimmers. As a rule they don't drown. C -- How the hell did you get this number?????

We don't have time for alphabet soup. This angel said to call you! You gotta get your ass down here now to Parallel Time. Ronan's gonna waterboard her any second.

Ronan? Parallel Time? Oh no. You must be the Player. I thought Jesus was gonna deal with you.

Hell, Jesus never said nothin about some crazy Irish guy with a torture chamber. He's got that poor little angel all tied up and gagged and he's got a sheet on her face and he's planning to pour a bucket of water down her throat.

Angel abuse? Not on my watch! ... Is the Green Guy there with you?

He's here. I think he fainted or something.

Yeah, he does that a lot. ... I'll be right down.

Thank you, Jesus

St. Michael the Archangel speaking, what can I do ya for?

Please hold.


Please hold?! What the ... Hey, you called me! Son of a ... I don't even have an assistant. I'll bet anything it's Gabriel. I am gonna tear him a new ...


Hey, Michael, long time no talk to ...

You son of a ... uh ... g-g. Um. Sir? Hello, sir. Son of, um, God.


Wow! Why so formal all of a sudden? I mean usually it's Junior right?

Um, guh ...

Dude, chill, I'm just yankin your chain. Lighten up! Michael, how have you been?

Oh, yes. Right. I'm well, Jesus. I mean Mr. Christ. To what do I owe the honor, if I may be so bold as to ask?

Well, it's about this whole sixth-dimensional thing that's going on. I'm really going to need you to carry the ball on this one, like, you know, be proactive and really step up and take ownership of it. I mean, it's a total mess and you are, like, the only one I can trust this to.

You can count on me Jesus. You know I would lay down my life for you, my Lord.

I totally know that, dude. Seriously, that's why you are, like, the only person I'd even think of to handle this. I still remember that time when you stood up for me and kicked Lucifer's ass! That was so awesome. He was all like "I will not kneel down before the son of God, I was here first" and you were like "You better kneel down now, dude" and he was like "Grrr." and you were like "Step off, dude" and then you just kicked his ass! That was so cool. You've been my go-to guy ever since.

Thank you Jesus, I appreciate that. And it was my pleasure to banish Lucifer from heaven. If anyone deserved it, he did. ... But this rift thing is awfully complicated. I'm not sure how to proceed. ... And, um, someone you know is involved ...

You mean the Player. You know, I don't know what the deal is with him. He's been kind of dissing me. I mean he's been dead for weeks, right, but he's still hanging out in the spirit world and dragging his feet instead of coming to be with his Lord in heaven. I mean, we were gonna watch the games on Sunday and he didn't even show. And now this whole thing with the sixth-dimensional rift. I don't know what to say. He's making me look like a putz.


I hear he's got some money problems.


He's got some kind of problems, that's for sure. But, seriously, you can't take it with you dude! Am I right?

Tell me about it. ... But I'm wondering if there's a way we can use this. It seems he's been trying to settle some old debts -- real and imagined -- so he can afford to do heaven in style. I mean, this guy really wants to go first class, right? So, maybe we can use that as leverage to get his help in closing the rift. I mean, he helped open the damn thing ... er, darn thing. Sorry.

Hey, it's cool. What happens in heaven stays in heaven, am I right? So, most of these dudes jumped into a time portal, huh? And they'll be hard to track down. ... So we sorta need the Player's help on this?


I think we need to get him on board. .... If you don't mind me asking, why do we even let those time portals exist? No good has ever come from one of those things. I've been voting against them for years.


Hey, I'm with you, man. But it's the same old story. People don't like change, so we had to grandfather them in. At least we don't have any new ones, right? ... It seems like we just keep doing the same stuff millennium after millennium, doesn't it? But don't let it bum you out, dude. It's guys like you that keep pushing things ahead, man. We need progressive angels like you. You're a change agent. That's how we think of you upstairs, man. A change agent.


Really? Thank you Jesus. I appreciate that. It's nice to feel like I'm not just banging my head against the clouds around here. ... So can you handle the Player? Maybe appeal to his more generous nature?

Ha! Right! You kill me, dude. I'm on it. Anything else I can do?

Well, if you don't mind me asking, what about the Marge angle in all of this?

Marge. ... Marge, Marge, freakin Marge! That ... woman ... is working on my last nerve. You know, I set up a whole committee of cherubim just to deal with Marge and they give me nothing but lunch and dinner bills. They sit around all day getting fat on my dime. ... Dude, let's just get this rift patched up. We'll deal with Marge later.

Among other things, I am a Vampire hunter

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Maximillian A. Bear, father to Maximillian A. Bear Jr., with whom you may be familiar: He was the little polar bear chap. Originally from London, my family and I are temporarily living in Allentown in the year 1868.

Among other things, I am a vampire hunter. Unfortunately, vampires are somewhat scarce and I have never actually encountered one. In fact, I am no longer convinced there are any left. However, there is a vast assortment of demonic creatures walking the earth and in lieu of there being any vampires to hunt, I have begun to hunt those creatures as well. One of those demons may be familiar to you: Marge.

From what my son and his fellow time travelers have told me -- and I shall take for granted that you know of the time portal by now, as well as the sixth-dimensional rift and Parallel Time --Marge is no stranger to the people of 2008.

(I have recently learned that you are frozen in time at the moment and I wish to convey my sincere condolences at this unfortunate occurrence. It is my sincere hope that I can help end your predicament, which I shall explain later.)

Marge, you see, has had an exceptionally long life span. Longer, in fact, than I ever would have imagined, or indeed hoped for. My life's work has been dedicated to ending that lifespan, but apparently I was unable to accomplish this in my own lifetime, according to my son, who is familiar with the future. In fact, my son, who I am proud to learn will follow in my footsteps, will likewise be unable to kill Marge in his lifetime. Actually, according to young Maximillian, he and I are each fated to perish during our failed attempts to bring the demon Marge to justice.

I find irony in this knowledge, even if Maximillian's friend Karl insists it is but coincidence. And if I hear his ramblings about how those polar bear rug eyeballs are actually marbles I may go in search of my own Keyser blade to settle the issue once and for all.

Excuse me. My Victorian temper sometimes gets the better of me. (I have only recently learned that my temper is Victorian!)

Where was I? Oh yes. Marge. Marge has enjoyed an exceptionally long lifespan. You see, she is the progeny of a long line of demons and represents a sort of melting pot of evil beings, inheriting their various methods of holding death at bay. Some day when I have more time I shall outline her family tree. I'm sure you will agree that some lumbering is in order.

As for Marge's immediate family, her father -- Tad the Impaler -- was actually half vampire, which accounts for my initial interest in her. Her mother was a common cambion, the byproduct of a union between an incubus and a succubus and the humans that served as their vessels.

Marge also had a brother named Ronan. The boy was adopted and had a less potent demonic pedigree, descending from Celtic demons as well as the legendary warrior Cúchulainn. Ronan was killed in a rock slide when he and Marge were children. Well, he actually survived the rock slide, along with Marge, but they were trapped in a cave and Marge was forced to eat her brother to survive. Or, so she apparently imagined. You see, after about an hour in the cave, she was rescued.

With the insight we have gained from my son's experiences in the future, including his dramatic tête-à-tête with his own ghost, and with the help of young Maximillian's time-traveling friends, I believe we will be able to avoid our previous (actually, future) missteps. I have carefully studied the demons in her bloodline and devised the most effective method of killing her. (Karl insists a few whacks to the neck with his Keyser blade would be sufficient but I am convinced her head would simply grow back.)

Our successful execution of Marge will save the life of my son, as well as my own, and will prevent any evil act committed by Marge from this time on, including her wreaking havoc on Allentown in 2008. It would also, one imagines, prevent the seance which caused the sixth-dimensional rift leading to the predicament you find yourselves in now. Needless to say young Maximillian will be sternly ordered to refrain from entering any time portals from this point forward.

In order to set our plans in motion, we must first travel to Japan.

I gotta run this up the flagpole

You have reached Michael the Archangel. I'm either on another call or away from my desk smiting a demon. Leave a message at the beep and I will get back to you.

Hello, Michael, it's the Little Angel calling in. Please pick up, it's urgent.

It had better be, Angel. You would not believe my day.



OK, last week six individuals held a seance to contact a spirit who had been dead for more than 100 years. They succeeded, but at the end of the seance a sixth-dimensional rift occurred and one of the six individuals was pulled into PARALLEL TIME and time in 2008 has slowed to a standstill.


A -- That's not the way it works. Seances, as a rule, do not open sixth dimensional rifts. B -- Situations arising from seances clearly fall under the responsibilities of the Angel of Death. Call Archangel Gabriel. This is not my department.


But I spoke with Gabriel. Gabriel consulted with the Dominions who ruled that a sixth dimensional rift was a planetary issue rather than a seance issue. The Dominions ruled that you would have to deal with this.


Planetary issues? I have had it up to here with planetary issues. Any archangel that doesn't want to do his job says it's a planetary issue and it gets dumped into my lap. Is that fair? And the Dominions? Don't get me started. Have any of them ever actually worked a day in their lives? ... Like I have time for this. Do you have any idea how many demons I have smote this week? Angel of Death, my ass. Why doesn't Gabriel do the smoting?

They say smoting is bad for your health.

Oh now everybody's a comedian. You know, you could be reassigned. The cherubim always need people to change their diapers. ... Alright, tell me again how this rift opened. Were there any spirits involved in this seance?


Yes. There were three spirits and three humans. At least I think the Green Guy is a human. And the spirit who held the seance ...

Whoa whoa whoa. First off, spirits ain't my department either. If a spirit needs to get out of a jam they should talk to Uriel. Second, why would a spirit hold a seance to contact another spirit. We gave them all unlimited minutes for any calls within the spirit world ... and that cost a bundle.


Well there were special circumstances. The spirit in question was a boy who in 1868 had passed through a time portal into 2008. Because a living boy could not exist in the same realm with his deceased spirit ...

... a stupid rule that I voted AGAINST ...


... he was transformed into a polar bear cub and transported to the Arctic Circle ...

... Raphael! His job! ...

... Subsequently, the bear was shot by a poacher and became a polar bear spirit ...

Animal! Again, Raphael!

... and said spirit returned to the house that contained the aforementioned time portal only to find that his corpse, as well as those of several of his polar bear friends were being used there as a carpet.

God, I need a Tylenol. So who was this polar bear trying to contact. ... And do not tell me himself.

Himself ... the self he would have been had he not passed through the time portal.
No, seriously. ... Oh, man. This polar bear has really screwed the pooch, pardon my vernacular. Why would he do such a stupid thing. Did he not get the handbook? It says quite clearly in Chapter 3, Paragraph 9. Subsection a), "Any spirit who for any reason finds him/her self in a time period other than his/her own shall under no circumstances try to contact him/her self. The results could be cataclysmic, including but not limited to creating a sixth-dimensional rift."

Apparently polar bears, and animals in general, do not get the handbook ...

Raphael and Uriel!! Here comes the reflux. I need a Prylosec. ... Ok what happened when this rift opened?

Well, the spirit who was called in the seance used the Green Guy as his medium. When he was dismissed to return to the spirit world, the Green Guy disappeared.

So, what happened when they tried to call the spirit back?

They couldn't. Just after the Green Guy disappeared Marge burst through the front door and she was 9 feet tall. ...

Marge?!?!? This conversation stops here. There's a whole committee dedicated just to Marge and there is no way in Hell, I mean Hades, that Marge gets dumped in my lap.

Well, we don't really have to worry about Marge. I think we just have to bring back the Green Guy and seal the rift. Besides, Marge is frozen in 2008. She was just about to fight the sea monster.

A leviathan! Clearly, that's way over my pay grade.

Please, the rift! We need to close it. Time has nearly stopped in 2008. The past could collide with the present if we don't act quickly.

Yeah sure. Dump it all on Michael. He can handle it. He defeated Satan, blah, blah, blah. ... I need a drink. ... So what happened when Marge came in?

Well, there was a fight. Karl and Miss Emily escaped through the time portal to 1868. The cute little polar bear and Truman reanimated two of the polar bear rugs, bit Marge and also escaped into the time portal. The Green Guy of course was pulled into parallel time.

And the sixth? The other spirit?

Oh yes, The Player. He poofed away.

The Player? The The Player ?? As in the personal friend of Junior Player?

He does claim to be acquainted with Jesus, yes.

I gotta run this up the flagpole.