Marge must be destroyed

To: All members of Team Marge, the Green Team and the spirit of Atown-Liker.

From: Maximillian A. Bear, Jr.

Re: Obliteration of Marge.

I think it has become obvious to all of you by now that Marge must be destroyed. I believe this can only be accomplished if we unite toward this common goal.

As you know, Marge is still at the beach. Most likely she is miniature golfing and investigating evidence related to the sea monster which seems to be steadily making its way toward Allentown, having lately been spotted near Point Pleasant eating cats and dogs.

I don't think it is too far a stretch to assume the sea monster is actually The Duchess, who was attacked in her hospital bed in Monte Carlo at the behest of Marge by a bumbling R. Dodger, who while attempting to poison her inadvertently injected her with some sort of amphibian growth hormone which, one might assume, he had obtained for his personal consumption.

I also think it is fair to assume that the sea monster is coming here for Marge.

With that in mind, I will submit a proposal for your approval. But first I shall divulge a bit of personal history.

As you know, I used to be a boy in this house 140 years ago. Through a series of events which I shall not repeat here, I am now the disembodied spirit of a polar bear cub living in your time. My corpse as well as those of my comrades adorn the floor of these headquarters, serving as rugs.

I am not the only one who has suffered under Marge. Atown-Liker is dead; killed I believe by the nefarious Dodger. The Green Guy and Miss Emily have been banished to forage in the woods, fearing for their lives. Karl has been banished permanently to the shed. The Player has been killed -- yes I realize that Karl actually did that, but still -- and is owed money. The Duchess has been apparently transformed into a sea monster following botched cosmetic surgery. I believe the spirit Truman, once Marge's trusted adviser, is alive still only because he is already dead.

.

Marge has plans in motion to raze 50 square blocks of downtown Allentown and build 10,000 boutiques. She is planning to make refugees of all low income residents, forcing them into the woods to forage, and planning to build a wall around the city to keep them out. The local police department will also be forced into the woods to be a Sheriff-of-Nottingham-type foil to the poor people living there. She is planning some sort of military action against all Spanish speakers in the city, and perhaps an assault against Spain itself. She plans to hurl petty thieves from the PPL Tower. Karl has been sharpening stakes on which Marge plans to impale any elected official who stands in her way, and I assume would include a good many of them.

.

This is only the beginning.

.

You may not know that in my time, my father was a vampire hunter and I followed in his footsteps. Things were slow as there were no vampires to hunt. But there was Marge. She is not a vampire, but you would be very interested to see her family tree. Sadly one day I had Marge in my sights in Romania but I slipped and slid down a mountainside to my death. (This of course was the death I suffered in 1900 in my own timeline, in which I grew to be a man. In this alternate timeline I unfortunately stumbled into the future, became a polar bear and was killed by a poacher.)

.

I may have veered off topic here, so let me return to my proposal. If we were to hold a seance in this house we might be able to contact the spirit of my adult self who could then guide us in how to rid ourselves of Marge.

.

I realize this plan is fraught with danger. The effect of two spirits of the same person occupying the same relative space could be cataclysmic. But with the sea monster approaching I think the time is now to act.