ALLENTOWN IS NICE: You speak good English

Monday, December 8, 2008

You speak good English

So, pal, do they have helicopters over in Parallel time?

Aye, lad, indeed we do. And we've got televisions and toilet paper and frozen dinners and whiskey and poteen and beer and rum punch ...

OK, I get the gist ... So, when you see a helicopter on TV, what usually happens to it?

It explodes, of course.

So, whaddya think's gonna happen when Marge tosses that helicopter into that hole the sea monster just made in the Butz building?

Saints preserve us!

Ladies and gentlemen, in a stunning turnaround it appears Marge has snatched victory from the jaws defeat. ...

... How about, Marge has pulled victory from the gaping maw of defeat?

Gaping maw ... I like that. You Irishmen have a way with words. Try this ... Marge has looked into the gaping maw of defeat and pulled out a victory with just one battered pinkie through its nose ring ...

Nose ring! Very fine indeed, lad. ... Or, with just one battered pinkie tenuously grasping its nose ring, Marge has jerked victory from the cruel, gaping maw of ignominy ...

That's a mite thick and I'm not really sure if it's clear that "its" modifies "victory" in that construction, but I like where you're going with that ....

HALT!

Look, lad, it's a wee angel ... and what else, might I ask, would "its" possibly refer to if not "victory"?

Gabrielle?

Stop calling me that! It's Gabriel. That's Gabriel the Archangel to you!

Well, what do we have here? Gay-briel did you say?

Marge, I command thee in the name of heaven to cease this destruction, revert back to your normal size and leave this place at once. You are to return to your castle in Romania and never leave there again.

Or?

Or I shall smite thee.

You shall look delightfully kitchy dangling from the rearview mirror of my private ambulance.

This ain't gonna be pretty. What's he gonna do, hit her with his flowers? Why didn't they send Michael?

I shall not warn you again. In the name of the Almigh ... Hey! Stop it!!

My former associate Mr. Player once showed me the rules of what you laughingly call "football" here. I believe this is what is known as a "punt."

Folks, that wasn't just a punt, that was a beautiful punt. Big arc, lots of hangtime. ... I think Gabrielle just landed in the Lehigh River. ... Well, "its" could have referred to "pinkie," I suppose.

Bah!

Who are you? In the name of heaven I demand to know where I am!

I am the Duke of Medina Sidonia and you are on my ship, archangel. I am at your service. Welcome to the Spanish Armada. ... Men, open fire on Marge!

You speak good English.

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.