ALLENTOWN IS NICE: I love Santa Claus

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I love Santa Claus

Dude! What's up, buddy? Are you coming to my birthday party?

Maybe. .. Is Newman gonna be there?

Well, I certainly hope Mr. Newman will come.

Then I ain't comin!

Dude, why do you have to be like that? We all want you to come.

Bull! You and Newman will just be there conspiring against me, trying to keep the chips away from me.

Dude, that's absurd. Nobody conspires against you ....

Oh yeah? Then how come when we're watchin one of Newman's damn movies, you're always passing the chips back and forth with each other? Nobody ever passes any damn chips to The Player.

But, Dude ... you don't eat chips. You always drink protein shakes and eat power bars and such ...

How would you know if you never pass me any?

OK, fine. Here. Have some chips. They're really good. There Newman's Own.

Hell no! The Player doesn't eat any damn chips! You and Newman can keep your damn chips!

Dude, I'm starting to worry about your attitude. I mean, this is heaven, man. We all work together here, we all pull for each other. We're a team. You think Michael the Archangel wants to be in Allentown fighting demons? Well, I don't. ... He's doing that for us; he's doing it for the team. There's no I in team, dude.

Oh, yeah? Well you what's got an I in it? I want the damn ball, that's what. The Player's gonna find a nice Hanukkah party this year. ... Hey, I thought Newman was Jewish anyway.

He's half Jewish.

So which half is comin to the party?

OK, that's just about enough. I think someone just earned a time out. -POOF!- ... Do you believe the nerve of that guy.

Knock knock. Anybody home?

Dude! What's up? It's great to see you. I could use a friendly face right about now. How long has it been??

A year. Listen I'm gonna be pretty busy tomorrow, so I thought I'd bring you your gift early. ... It's an i-Pod Touch.

Oh man, a Touch! These are awesome! Thank you, Santa. How did you know? Dude, you're the best. I love presents. I mean that's the reason for the season, am I right?

You're always right. Listen, I gotta run. You won't believe my day. Happy Birthday and I'll see you at the party!

Later, Dude. ... I love Santa Claus.

*********************************************

-POOF!- Hey, where the hell am I? ... Damn, it's that crazy Irishman, but he's all little ...

Hello sir.

You're like a mini Ronan without the accent. Where the hell am I?

This is Limbo, sir.

Damn! They suspended me again?

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.