ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Do the Limbo

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Do the Limbo

Hmmm. I ain't never ate no little boy before. Mmm hmmm. I don't know If I should start eatin' at the head or at the feet. Mmmm. Maybe I should start in the middle like I was eatin' an ear a corn. Hmm.

Please don't eat me sir! My father is very powerful and he will pay you handsomely for my safe return.

Mmm. He one of them vampire fellers. That's what ol' Max said.

Well, yes. But I was adopted. I am the descendant of Cuchulainn, the Irish warrior.

Hmmm. I reckon I heard that story one too many times. Mmm. Reckon I don't got much use for money. But I do like to buy them french fried potaters and sometimes I buy a ticket to take the bus to the nervous hospital. Mmm. ... I reckon I'll start eatin' yer head.

POOF! Wow. That was different. ... Thanks for the lift, boys!

Caw!

OK, catch up with ya in a few, Jim. I don't need any more witnesses than necessary.

Help me, sir. Don't let this mean man eat me!

Hold on. Nobody's eating anybody here. Karl, put the punk down.

Thank, you sir! My father will reward you handsomely.

Yeah, right. Don't get too excited, kid. You're going to Limbo. POOF! ... OK, one problem solved. You notice he didn't have that phony Irish accent?

Hmmmm. I guess not. Mm. Now I'm kinda hungry.

I figured as much. I brought you some french fries, just like you like 'em. ... Now listen carefully. When Truman digs you out of this cave, the crows will take you and your friends to Romania in 2007. Leave young Marge here. You'll meet up with her soon enough. You do your job and I can get back to my vacation. ... OK, Jim, I'm good to go! POOF!

Caw!

Mmm. Whoever that was, he was a nice feller. Hmmm. Sound like Truman comin' through them rocks.

Karl! You're alive. I had feared the worst. ... Oh, that's right I am dead, and it hasn't really slowed me down any. ... But at any rate, I'm glad to see you alive.

As much as I hate to interrupt a tender moment between a redneck and his rug, what have you done with my brother, you rustic oaf?

Hmmm. I'm from Arkansas. I reckon that's pretty rustic. That boy, he went to do the limbo. Mmmm. I like these french fried potaters.

So, Ronan is ... gone? ... And all you've had to eat is those potatoes?

Mmm. This angel feller came and he gimme these potaters. Mm he said that Ronan ws gonna do the limbo and them crows is gonna take us into the future to see Marge in Romania.

What are you babbling about! I demand to know what is going on here.

I'll be happy to explain it to you, Marge. ... In about 140 years.

Caw caw!

Enough about the jackass penguins already! God, you're obsessed. ... Come, we must take these clowns to Romania.

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.