I love Santa Claus

Dude! What's up, buddy? Are you coming to my birthday party?

Maybe. .. Is Newman gonna be there?

Well, I certainly hope Mr. Newman will come.

Then I ain't comin!

Dude, why do you have to be like that? We all want you to come.

Bull! You and Newman will just be there conspiring against me, trying to keep the chips away from me.

Dude, that's absurd. Nobody conspires against you ....

Oh yeah? Then how come when we're watchin one of Newman's damn movies, you're always passing the chips back and forth with each other? Nobody ever passes any damn chips to The Player.

But, Dude ... you don't eat chips. You always drink protein shakes and eat power bars and such ...

How would you know if you never pass me any?

OK, fine. Here. Have some chips. They're really good. There Newman's Own.

Hell no! The Player doesn't eat any damn chips! You and Newman can keep your damn chips!

Dude, I'm starting to worry about your attitude. I mean, this is heaven, man. We all work together here, we all pull for each other. We're a team. You think Michael the Archangel wants to be in Allentown fighting demons? Well, I don't. ... He's doing that for us; he's doing it for the team. There's no I in team, dude.

Oh, yeah? Well you what's got an I in it? I want the damn ball, that's what. The Player's gonna find a nice Hanukkah party this year. ... Hey, I thought Newman was Jewish anyway.

He's half Jewish.

So which half is comin to the party?

OK, that's just about enough. I think someone just earned a time out. -POOF!- ... Do you believe the nerve of that guy.

Knock knock. Anybody home?

Dude! What's up? It's great to see you. I could use a friendly face right about now. How long has it been??

A year. Listen I'm gonna be pretty busy tomorrow, so I thought I'd bring you your gift early. ... It's an i-Pod Touch.

Oh man, a Touch! These are awesome! Thank you, Santa. How did you know? Dude, you're the best. I love presents. I mean that's the reason for the season, am I right?

You're always right. Listen, I gotta run. You won't believe my day. Happy Birthday and I'll see you at the party!

Later, Dude. ... I love Santa Claus.

*********************************************

-POOF!- Hey, where the hell am I? ... Damn, it's that crazy Irishman, but he's all little ...

Hello sir.

You're like a mini Ronan without the accent. Where the hell am I?

This is Limbo, sir.

Damn! They suspended me again?

Brown and Beautiful

POOF! Whoa. I'll never get used to time travel. Thanks, for the lift, Jim. Now go and make sure those clowns don't screw things up in Romania.

Romania? They're supposed to be in Turkey. Caw!

Ah, for cryin out loud! Turkey?!?!

The turkeys are our enemy.


Shoosh! ... The crows will correct this problem, Michael. Caw!

Thanks for your help. ... God, for birds, they seem to have a lot of enemies. ... POOF. You?!?

I am here to help.

Sorry, sister. Everything you touch turns to crap. That's why you were reassigned to diaper duty with the cherubim. We don't need any foul-ups in this operation. Scram!

I'll show you! I'll show them all! POOF!

What the hell?

Hey! Watch your mouth. You're the clown I'm looking for. ... Come with me. Now where do we find your Irish look-alike? ... Holy shit!! Was that a cannonball??

And I should watch my mouth? ... Yes, it's a cannonball, Einstein, and here comes another one. The city is under attack by a 420-year-old navy and two giant demons are throwing buses at each other at 9th and Hamilton.

Oh no. I'm too late. With Johnny Manana's closed, I had to find another gateway from heaven. It took me an extra half an hour. ... Here's the deal. We gotta go find your Irish twin and one of you will need to sacrifice his life to save the timeline, because you both can't be here at the same time. ... Ew! What the hell???

Get your stinkin' foot off me. ... What are you lookin at? You lookin' at me? Who the hell you think you're lookin at? You'll hear fom my lawyer!

Ignore him. He's a head case. He tried to poison me, you know. ... So what if neither of us is willing to sacrifice his life for the timeline?

Then I'll just have to smite you ... er, one of you, I mean. ... Well, OK, probably you. I mean you're supposed to be dead anyway.

What the hell!! The other one doesn't even belong here! He's not from this timeline ... he's not even from this country. He could be an illegal! Why don't you just send him back!

No time. I have to smite Marge and Ronan before they destroy the city.

Well, beggorah, lad, you took your sweet time. Not a lot left to save. What's this I hear about you smitin' one of us to save the timeline?

That's the way it's gotta be, Paddy. The only thing holding the fabric of time together is the fact that that one has a tan and you don't. And as that tan wears off, present time will stop moving and the past will crash into the future, destroying the universe.

But my tan still looks really good. I'm, like, bronzed. We have lots of time. You can smite the demons -- watch out for that cannonball -- and send HIM back after. Or kill him, whatever you think. ... Sir.

Is that how ye treat a poor immigrant, is it now? It's not bad enough that me own sainted mother and I had to leave me beloved emerald isle, but then you yourself Michael tore me from my own timeline with that seance of yours into this fearsome place. And now I'm to be killed for it? It's unfair. It's discrimination I tell ye.

He's got a point there, Bud. ... Don't worry, I'll make it quick. Any last words?

Yes: WAIT! I have a confession. I was never dead and I was never even in the Dominican Republic. ... I've been hiding in the basement of the Federal Grill for the past 5 months drinking up what was left of their booze and waiting for this whole Marge thing to blow over. Karl found me unconscious after Charles Atlas over there tried to poison me with an O'Douls and he hid me at the Federal. ... This isn't even a real tan ... it's a spray-on. I found it in the basement. ... I think it was part of their uniform.

Charles Atlas? I was way bigger than him. Guess what? I'm suing you, too. ... Is that really a spray-on?

Wow, that's pretty sweet for a spray-on. What brand is that?

Aye, it is a fine tan, lad. Very natural indeed.

"Brown and Beautiful," I think. ... So, you see, I can just spray more on while you fight the demons and you can send him back after.

Aye, fair enough. This version of Allentown's no fun anyway, what's left of it.

Um, pardon me, girls, I don't wanna break up your beauty session, but we got a fight to broadcast. And, um, Michael if you're gonna mix it up with Marge and Ronan, you better get to it. Time to smite or get off the pot.

Try and stop me, twerp. This is gonna be fun. ... By the way, has anyone seen Gabrielle?