ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Here is a letter I found in my house

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Here is a letter I found in my house

From: Marge
Oct. 28, 2007
Impaler Castle
Romania

To: My Dear Dead Friend Truman
The Spiritual Realm
Non Parallel Time

My Dearest Dead Friend Truman,

It has been too long since we have corresponded and I hope you are well (the fact that you are dead notwithstanding). I had the strangest dream today and I felt compelled to contact you.

I dreamed that I was a little girl studying the martial arts in Japan when I was almost killed by a rockslide (these events so far happen to correspond with reality). Then I dreamed that I had a small brother who was trapped in a cave by aforementioned rockslide (I, however, was an only child).

As I stood outside the walled-in mouth of the cave, a polar bear rug began speaking to me.

(Here is a pencil sketch of said bear. Perhaps you did not know of my artistic talent!)

This must be very amusing to you, as you know of my fondness for polar bear rugs. I have been fascinated with them since I was a child and I simply cannot have enough of them surrounding me.

Anyway, the polar bear rug and I dug through the rocks to save my brother, but, alas, he was not in the cave. The only person there was someone named Karl, who said he was from Arkansas and was fond of fried potatoes. The next thing I knew, I was standing amid the ruins of a destroyed, burning city.

I cannot tell you how much this dream has vexed me, yet I cannot understand its significance. Perhaps I have too much on my mind.

As I'm sure you know the Vatican today beatified some so-called "victims" of the Spanish Civil War. To this day I am quite suspicious of the Spaniards and their forked-tongued king, Juan Carlos, traitor to fascists everywhere.

Also, I apparently have run afoul of the local bureaucracy here in Impalvania. It seems they have found some alleged code violations with the castle. Several inspectors have been "dispatched" to poke and prod at its thousand-year-old foundations and it seems none of them has returned to their retched cubicles. Perhaps they were catapulted over the ramparts or impaled in a forgotten dungeon. Whatever their fate I don't see how it is any of my concern.

At any rate I have been thinking of at least temporarily shifting my base of operations to the city of Allentown in America, where I would like to test my theories on society-building on a living model, so to speak.

I hope to see you when I arrive in America. I have been in contact with an influential blogger in Allentown and I intend to use his headquarters as my Team Marge nerve center. (He is as yet unaware of this plan.)

Adieu, mon ami

Marge

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.