ALLENTOWN IS NICE: We are on a mission to save Allentown

Thursday, April 22, 2010

We are on a mission to save Allentown

Is this absurd apparel absolutely necessary?

My dear Mrs. Egram, inter-dimensional travel is fraught with danger. These uniforms will offer us some protection.

If you ask me these ensembles are preposterous ... not to mention somewhat risque.

Mrs. Egram, I think the uniform agrees with you. You look stunning!

Oh, Mr. Bramwell. Tee hee.

I reckon I look like some kinda sissy in this getup. Mmm hmmm.

Yes, you do. ... I think my suit, however, is quite fetching. I feel as snug as a bug in a rug in this comfy codpiece.

Spare me your perverse observations, Truman. I feel like some ridiculous lizard in this costume.

If, as they say, the shoe fits ...

Now if everyone would listen to me carefully. We will proceed to the underground tattoo parlor, where we first met.

You mean the comfort station. I thought you told us the comfort station was not the portal to Parallel Time.

The portal is not in the comfort station, but it is nearby. If you would stop toying with your codpiece long enough to listen to me, you might know that.

Oh, fine. Talk.

In this timeline we do not do our inter-dimensional travel in toilets, sir. We use the I Ching elevator. We must proceed quickly past the tattoo parlor and into the elevator without arousing the suspicions of Carrot Top.

And if we do arouse his suspicions?

Then I shall deal with him myself. ... Once aboard the elevator, we shall use the I Ching paddles to harness the energy of inter-dimensional space to begin our journey.

Oh, the paddles. How long will it take?

That cannot be known. But once the elevator has stopped we will need to open the doors to see if we are in the correct universe and timeline. If we are not in the right place, we must seal the doors immediately and start again. I cannot begin to describe to you the dangers that may await us if we travel into the wrong time.

Sir, we are on a mission to save Allentown. Nothing shall dissuade us.

You know, I'm starting to miss the other Marge.

All right. My dear lady and gentlemen, it is time to assemble.

Onward!

1 comment:

michael molovinsky said...: look luck with the mission, but i think you would have to go back in time, just another dimension might not do it.; April 22, 2010 at 8:35 AM

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.