ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Remember San Juan Hill!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Remember San Juan Hill!

What is that? It's coming right at us.

It is a bronze warrior, señor.

Shoot it!

Too late. It's under the water.

Engage depth charges!

Que?

Fire torpedos!

Torpedoes?

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Folks we're trying to get word on what's happening along the river. The cannons have stopped firing. We have a correspondent making his way from a hell portal near the Americus hotel, which I'm told is still standing. ... Wait, he's there? OK, we're switching over to Helldog live from the roof of the Americus hotel.

Thanks Red Devil. From my vantage point atop the beautiful Americus hotel it appears that the Spanish Armada is in a state of utter disarray. The statue of Harry Trexler is evidently in the water poking holes in the ships from underneath with his sword. Earlier today the statue left its perch in Trexler Park, cut through Cedar Creek Park, stopped briefly at Yocco's and proceded east on Hamilton at full gallop. As you saw earlier he interfered with the execution of Michael the Archangel, injured Ronan and charged the Armada.

Yeah, that was pretty screwed up. ... Does the Armada have any weapons to defend itself against Trexler?

No, Devil, the galleons are over 400 years old and not equipped for underwater warfare. However, they do have one factor working in their favor: Oxidation. I don't think that statue is going to be able to maneuver for very long in the river.

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Sidonia, you must do something! Five of our ships are sinking!

I will pray, señor.

Pray? Oh, that's just precious! That's everybody's anwer for everything around here. Listen bub, stop praying, get off of your ass and get in that water.

Señor, listen. The statue has stopped.

I can't lift my arms. ... Glug.

All right. That's what I'm talking about. ... Now target Michael!

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It looks like the statue is finished, Devil. Several of the galleons are sinking but there are at least 15 more that are forming up to begin firing again.

Thank goodness. It's getting boring around here. Michael, Ronan and Marge are all still flat on their backs at the moment. Another barrage or two of cannonfire might finish Michael off once and for all.

Whoa! What was that? Devil, a meteor or something just flew past me. This whole building shook. Wait ... one of the galleons has just exploded into flames!

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Dios Mio! It is the devil himself!

That's no devil, Sidonia. That's Santa Claus.

Die, bastards! Die! Die! Die! Ho ho!

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.