ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Down by the river, Part 1

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Down by the river, Part 1

Helldog, what's going on down by the river?

I'm here on what's left of the Hamilton Street Bridge now, Devil, and I have a good view of the aircraft that is attacking the Armada. ... It's Santa Claus.

They used to warn us in devil school not to piss that guy off. Now I can see why.

He's just destroyed two ships with Harpoon missiles and now he's coming back around for a pass with the Gatling gun.

Does the Armada have any weapons to use against an airborne enemy?

Well, what do you think? Seriously.

No need to get snippy, Fido. I mean many Angels possess some surface-to-air capabilities. What about those flowers he's always lugging around?

Well, they appear to be just that -- flowers. Angels like flowers.

Dios Mio! Satan is raining fire on our fleet.

Not exactly, cupcake. That was a AGM-84 Harpoon missile. See those tracers? That's the 30mm Gatling gun. Those depleted uranium rounds could tear this whole fleet to shreds. ... I don't suppose you have any antiaircraft guns on board? ... Didn't think so. Luckily for us, I have something better.

Gen. Trexler! You should leave the river now. All heck is breaking loose up there.

I ... can't ... move.

I brought you some WD-40!

Go for the lead ship, Rudoph! I want that goddam angel's head on a freakin' stick!!

Yes, sir!

He's coming for us, señor!!! ... Padre nuestro que estás en los cielos, Santificado sea tu Nombres ....

Save your worthless prayers, Sidonia. ... Santa, say hello to my little friends!

Devil, it looks like you were right about those flowers. In fact they're not flowers at all. They are some sort of surface-to-air missiles.

It's a ManPAD, Helldog.

A man purse?

No, a ManPAD. A Man-Portable Air Defense System, know-it-all. ... An FIM-92 Stinger, to be exact.

How could you possibly know that?

I got my sources, mutt.

Well, whatever that angel is firing, he just scored a direct hit on a reindeer! It looks like Santa's going down!

Prancer is toast, Santa! We're losing altitude!!

Keep it together, airman! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! We'll try to land on the river!!

What the heck! What a time for a cell call. ... Hello? This better be important and make it quick! Oh, it's you. Yes sir. Everything is going like you said it would, sir, except for that damn statue. Yes, that's right -- Santa is going down in flames as we speak. Disguising those missiles as flowers was brilliant, sir. OK, yes. I'll be in touch Mr. Newman.

09:59:57

09:59:58

09:59:59

10:00:00

To Be Continued

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.