ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Time is beginning to thaw, thaw

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Time is beginning to thaw, thaw

Ah, so this is what non-Parallel Time is like. I'm not sure why they bothered. Parallel Allentown is much nicer. They don't even have a hockey team here -- and no monorail. Though, with time bein frozen, it's much quieter than our Allentown. ... An speakin of time bein frozen I won't even ask what was goin on in that bar I found ye in. Why were all those people in their underwear?

Begorrah, damned in I know. I was just havin' a sip of uisce beatha.

Well , whatever. Water of life or no, ye better sober up quick because I want ye there to chronicle me battle with Marge. She should be around this corner here somewhere. Do ya notice something funny about that clock up there on the Lutheran Church? I could swear it moved a bit. A Protestant trick no doubt.

No doubt. Saints be praised!

Time is beginning to thaw, thaw.

Aye, these damn crows flyin about and their incessant cawing. ... Who is this fellow being advertised everywhere? O'Bama ... is that a Protestant name?

Aye, Protestant indeed.

Speak of the devil! I just received a report on you.

What, did you grow back that eye already, lad?

Oh, that wasn't me. That was a parallel devil whose eye you plucked out. And he was none too happy about it. And they weren't too happy about how you slipped past hell security, either. Impressed, but not happy. ... I'm strictly a non-parallel devil.

Then what would you want with me, devil? Can't ya see I'm busy.

Not much. I just want a good seat for the fight. I'll be doin' play-by-play for DSPN. There's a lotta interest downstairs in this one. It's 7-1 that Marge eats you again.

Well I don't plan to be anyone's snack this day. I intend to let the sea monster have its shot at Marge while I warm up. It takes a bit of time to get into me warp spasm.

Well you better warm up quick cause I think they just moved.

The Green Guy has been returned to non-Parallel Time in 1868. Time is beginning to thaw.

You seem to be attracting more birds than a garbage barge, there pally. Ever heard of Irish Spring?

Saints be praised! A sea monster is slowly flying through that picture window up ahead!

The fight is on -- albeit in slow motion!

Step outta of the street lad, them cars is beginnin to move! At this rate, the World Series might even resume.

Ahem! ... In this corner, currently flying through the plate glass window very, very slowly, with green scales and matching fins, standing 7 feet tall and weighing in at 380 pounds, fighting out of Monte Carlo, Monaco, the woman who put Prince Albert in the can, the Duchess of Disaster, the SEA MONSTER!!

And in this corner, in the blue house frock, now standing nearly 13 feet tall and weighing about 600 pounds, the Matron of Obliteration, and representing Evil itself, MMMMMMMMARGE!!!!!!

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.