Hello, Marge

Yea gads man, Are you daft? The demon Marge must die here and now. The future is at stake.

No you mustn't. You have to stop what you are doing. There's no time to explain, but if Marge dies and Ronan lives, the crows will be destroyed. He is their mortal enemy in non-Parallel time.

Caw! Caw!

Yes, I'm telling them!

Hmmm. I reckon them crows never hurt nobody.

Karl, I think you should do as he says. Ronan was meant to die here, not Marge. You must roll that boulder away from the cave now. I will fly you down to the bottom of the canyon.

Hmm. I reckon.

No! I forbid it. Maximillian, start rolling the rocks.

Caw! Caw!

This boulder kinda heavy. Hmmm.

Push harder! Push harder! (Lordy, I haven't said that since I died.) The rocks are starting to roll down the side of the cavern! Hurry!

Caw! Caw!

More rocks, quickly. Tip all of the piles! Dash these damn crows. Oh dear, I'm falling! Help!

Father!

Hmmm. Looks like them crows pushed old Max down the side of the canyon. Hmmm. I Reckon they did hurt one person, anyways. Hmmm. ... Hey Truman, I got that boulder moved.

Karl, look out! ... Oh my!

Put me down, you infernal creatures!

Oh heavens! I feel faint. The crows have saved Maximillian from falling into the canyon, but they were too late to stop the rockslide.

Have we killed Marge?

I can't see through the dust. ... Now I see Truman outside the cave, but I don't see Karl or Ronan. Truman seems to be talking to someone ....

Hello Marge.

You must not kill Marge!

Hmmm. mmmm. I reckon I see 'em yonder in that rickshaw.

Quickly Karl! Take the lever on the first pile of rocks! ... Maximillian, be prepared to tip the second pile. I shall take the third.

I see them father! I see Marge!

Mmmm. Them crows is flying around my head agin. ... Hey, them crows flyin up there is carryin the Green Guy. Hmm.

Stop! You must not kill Marge!



Caw! What is done must not be undone! The Hound of Chulainn must die on this day!

Time is beginning to thaw, thaw

Ah, so this is what non-Parallel Time is like. I'm not sure why they bothered. Parallel Allentown is much nicer. They don't even have a hockey team here -- and no monorail. Though, with time bein frozen, it's much quieter than our Allentown. ... An speakin of time bein frozen I won't even ask what was goin on in that bar I found ye in. Why were all those people in their underwear?

Begorrah, damned in I know. I was just havin' a sip of uisce beatha.

Well , whatever. Water of life or no, ye better sober up quick because I want ye there to chronicle me battle with Marge. She should be around this corner here somewhere. Do ya notice something funny about that clock up there on the Lutheran Church? I could swear it moved a bit. A Protestant trick no doubt.

No doubt. Saints be praised!

Time is beginning to thaw, thaw.

Aye, these damn crows flyin about and their incessant cawing. ... Who is this fellow being advertised everywhere? O'Bama ... is that a Protestant name?

Aye, Protestant indeed.

Speak of the devil! I just received a report on you.

What, did you grow back that eye already, lad?

Oh, that wasn't me. That was a parallel devil whose eye you plucked out. And he was none too happy about it. And they weren't too happy about how you slipped past hell security, either. Impressed, but not happy. ... I'm strictly a non-parallel devil.

Then what would you want with me, devil? Can't ya see I'm busy.

Not much. I just want a good seat for the fight. I'll be doin' play-by-play for DSPN. There's a lotta interest downstairs in this one. It's 7-1 that Marge eats you again.

Well I don't plan to be anyone's snack this day. I intend to let the sea monster have its shot at Marge while I warm up. It takes a bit of time to get into me warp spasm.

Well you better warm up quick cause I think they just moved.

The Green Guy has been returned to non-Parallel Time in 1868. Time is beginning to thaw.

You seem to be attracting more birds than a garbage barge, there pally. Ever heard of Irish Spring?

Saints be praised! A sea monster is slowly flying through that picture window up ahead!

The fight is on -- albeit in slow motion!


Step outta of the street lad, them cars is beginnin to move! At this rate, the World Series might even resume.

Ahem! ... In this corner, currently flying through the plate glass window very, very slowly, with green scales and matching fins, standing 7 feet tall and weighing in at 380 pounds, fighting out of Monte Carlo, Monaco, the woman who put Prince Albert in the can, the Duchess of Disaster, the SEA MONSTER!!

And in this corner, in the blue house frock, now standing nearly 13 feet tall and weighing about 600 pounds, the Matron of Obliteration, and representing Evil itself, MMMMMMMMARGE!!!!!!

A brief dispatch

Hello all. I shall keep this dispatch brief as we have crucial work to accomplish.


We have safely alighted in Japan after an arduous journey marked by the near constant complaints of Truman, our polar bear flying carpet. Using Marge's photo of herself and her brother being transported via rickshaw in the Japanese countryside in the year of our Lord 1868 we have found the exact spot where we shall trigger our rock slide.

Evidently Marge engaged in subterfuge when describing that photo on her usurped blog. She said it depicted herself along with a nanny and two menservants. In actuality Marge is the nanny in the photo and her brother Ronan is dressed as the little girl. Apparently Marge wanted to erase all evidence of her brother's existence.

But no matter. Our rocks are arranged in concentric piles from smaller to larger as we await the arrival of the rickshaw. In the failed attempt to bury Marge under the rocks in another timeline I had erred by using rocks that were too small. As a result, Marge and Ronan were not killed, but took shelter in a cave, where Marge subsequently consumed her brother.

In this attempt we are using bigger rocks, and Karl has already blocked the entrance to the cave with a large boulder. This time there shall be no failure. I believe the subsequent rockslide will be violent enough to kill both Marge and her adopted brother, a minor Celtic demon. In this we, if I may be permitted a bit of levity, we shall be able to kill two birds with one stone, or in this case with seven concentric piles of stones graded from small to large.

Ow! A crow has just pecked the top of my head! It should be noted that our expedition has been increasingly plagued by crows since we arrived. Corvids are sometimes considered sacred messengers among the Japanese. Let us hope the message they carry for our party is a happy one.

Cheers!

Maxwell A. Bear Sr., demon hunter.