ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Heaven will suck now

Friday, May 8, 2009

Heaven will suck now

So, what's the connection between a dead actor in non-Parallel Time and president's dog Ponzi in Parallel Time?

The crows do not know this. But we do know that the dog ate 50 billion dollars and we do know that Jesus made Paul Newman the Lord of Parallel Time.

Then we have to go to Parallel time and torture Paul Newman.

Hell yeah! I'll torture that Newman my damn self. Jesus was my pal till Newman came around, then suddenly they hangin out watching all those damn movies and sharing those damn chips. The Player doesn't eat any damn chips! Cool Hand Luke can kiss my ass!

Caw! It is impossible. Lord Newman has imposed celestial lockdown. Not even the crows can travel to Parallel Time.

If I may interject, gentlemen. I may not know about such things as Parallel Time, but I do know about money. Am I to assume that 50 billion dollars is a substantial sum in this time?

Hell yeah, tin man. The Player's not even worth more than 30 billion.

Then that gentlemen is your connection. I dare say that money was not eaten at all, but hidden away. I believe this Ponzi of yours is acting in concert with Lord Newman. Ponzi is his pet! This man doesn't just want to be God, he wants to have more money than God.

Ponzi is more than his pet! Ponzi is his lover! Caw! Caw!

Stop! Seriously, you need to knock it off or we're not going to bring you with us any more. ... The metallic one is wise. I regret pooping upon him.

Poop!

Angel, how do we contact Jesus?

Easy! He's one of my Five Favorites, so it's a free call! ... It's ringing.

Um, hello?

Hi, Jesus. It's me, the little angel. You're on speaker.

Oh, hi. You were doing something with a statue, right? How did that work out?

Gen. Trexler attacked the Spanish Armada and fell into the water and then he helped capture Gabriel and then we ended up at the North Pole and Gabriel was eaten by a polar bear....

OK, cool. See ya later ....

Jesus, wait! We need to tell you about Lord Newman. ... Mr. Bauer, he doesn't sound like himself.

Jesus? Sir, my name is Jack Bauer and it is very important that I talk to you. What are you doing right now?

Jack Bauer? Cool. I'm just chillin' dude. Having some tortilla chips ... Newman's Own. Really excellent.

Sir, it is crucial that you do exactly as I say. Slowly, put down the bag and step away from the chips. I believe they have been drugged. Have one of the seraphim take them down to the lab.

The seraphim? Oh, there all gone. ... And so's the lab for that matter. Mr. Newman said I should lay them off.

You laid off the seraphim? Are you nuts? How could you? They are your last line of defense! Heaven will suck now.

Mr. Newman said we didn't need them and he never liked the whole "holy, holy, holy" thing. He said it gave him a headache.

Sir, who is with you right now?

It's just me and the Holy Ghost. ... A very creepy dude.

Please put him on the phone, sir. ... Hello, Mr. Ghost? It's imperative that you destroy all of the Newman's Own chips.

Um, sure, OK.

Jesus! Hey it's me, The Player! Drink one a my protein shakes. That'll kick the ass of them damn Newman chips.

Player ... buddy! How's it going, dude?

Jesus? ... Listen carefully. Your entire network has been compromised, starting with Gabriel, and Paul Newman has taken control of Parallel Time. It is imperative that we travel there to stop him, but he has engaged the the celestial lockdown protocols. Can you help us?

It is impossible! Caw!

No, wait. There is a way. ... Old Donovan.

Caw!

1 comment:

Chris Casey said...: I love this!; May 11, 2009 at 4:36 PM

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.