Just do it
Boss? ... Afraid I've got some bad news.
Is there any other kind?
Well, for one thing the system is completely buggered. Ever since that damn
4 years ago
VISIT PARALLEL TIME
Enter the Vortex (or just click on it)
... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.
The Morning Caw
The Blog of the Crows
Visit The Squire on Facebook
Why you would want to, I have no idea
Go to A Christmas Carol
Click on Marley. Don't Be Afraid
Triumphant Team Leader
Thought to be deceased and detonated, but has returned to 2008 with a tan. Has reclaimed his blog from Marge, temporarily at least.
Drugged Jesus, took control of Parallel heaven.
Newman's little dog.
Has discovered celestial mole.
Has joined Agent Bauer's team to stop Newman.
Gen. Harry Trexler statue
Has helped to defeat the Spanish Armada. Joins Agent Bauer to stop Newman.
Marge's Dear Dead Friend Truman
Has become a living polar bear rug and traveled into the past where he and others try to kill Marge before she destroys Allentown.
As he appears since stepping through the time portal.
Has traveled into the past with Truman and others on the Mission to Marge.
Marge's henchman, killed by the Sea Monster.
Survived capture by Ronan in Parallel Time, has joined Mission to Marge.
Formerly Marge's henchman. Killed by Karl. Ran afoul of Newman in heaven and was banished to Limbo, then the North Pole. Has joined Agent Bauer to stop Newman.
St. Michael the Archangel
Buried in paperwork, but can still kick butt. After finishing off Ronan he battles Marge to the death.
Aka: the Irish warrior Cuchulainn. Traveled through hell from Parallel Time to kill his sister Marge. He failed and was killed after an encounter with Gen. Harry Trexler.
Maximillian A. Bear Jr.
In 2008 spirit form.
Maximillian A. Bear Jr.
In 1868. Has joined the Mission to Marge.
Maximillian A. Bear Sr.
Max Jr.'s father; vampire hunter, has branched out to demons. Leader, Mission to Marge.
The Countess of Monaco
Became a sea monster. Killed Dodger but was defeated by Marge. Escaped to Parallel Time.
Attacked Marge, but failed as the effects of the amphibian growth hormone began to wear off.
The Red Devil
He likes the sound of his own voice. Play-by-play man for HSPN.
The Green Devil
Newman's contact with hell in Parallel Time. Ronan stole his eye.
Is deranged. Helped defeat Spanish Armada.
The Little Angel
Bad things usually happen to people she's in charge of looking after.
The Irish Tenor
A visitor from Parallel Time.
Maximillian's sisters in 1868
With time-traveling cats (they don't say much)
Max's sister (she doesn't say much either, but she might, some day).
Was last seen in 1868 Allentown, playing hide-and-go-seek. Apparently she won.