ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Biebermania grips Valley

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Biebermania grips Valley

Here we are at the Lehigh Valley's largest newspaper. The final battle between good and evil is about to occur right across the street, but there's been no mention of it in the paper or the website. ... Excuse me, Mack. Who do I complain to about press coverage?

That'd be me. I'm the editor in charge of not covering things.

Well, explain this to me. The city all around you lies in ruins and the final battle between good and evil is about to occur right under your nose. And I'll give you a scoop right now. Evil's gonna win. ... You'd think the local media would be interested in covering what is likely to be the beginning of a reign of unspeakable evil over mankind, leading to the certain destruction of the world. Why no coverage?

The problem is, you don't understand what we do here. Nobody does. This newspaper is a tool. You're supposed to use it for life.

Tool is right. ... Your readers deserve to know about what's happening in their city.

Listen. Our readers are like sheep. We are their shepherd. They don't care about good and evil. Those are concepts. We don't deal in concepts. We deal in stuff. Our readers want to know about stuff. Fun stuff.

Like Justin Bieber?

Exactly. The entire Lehigh Valley is gripped in Biebermania. Our readers want Justin Bieber and, by jove, we're gonna give them Justin Bieber. If that kid so much as farts, we're going to be right on top of it.

Unacceptable. I want to talk to your supervisor.

Go right ahead. ... Dave! I got a guy here wants to complain about our coverage of the final battle between good and evil.

Don't bother me now! ... The satellite images are in. Justin may have a pimple! ... Get the chopper in the air!

Aye aye, Captain!

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.