ALLENTOWN IS NICE: It's been too long

Sunday, November 29, 2009

It's been too long

Dude! It's been too long. How's it going, man?

It's going well, sir, how's everything with you?

Oh, man. You don't want to know. Trust me. The freakin' Crows are out of control!

Yes, I've heard some rumblings.

Would you believe they are planning to steal a sacred Parallel artifact and bring it to non-Parallel Time, destroy the non-Parallel Vatican and try to bring about the Apocalypse?

Jesus, that's messed up! ... er, I mean, That's messed up, Jesus!

Tell me about it. ... I have a couple of guys on it.

Jack Bauer. He's good. ... Oh, speaking of Bauer, I'm sorry that one of my polar bears ate Archangel Gabriel ...

It's cool, dude. Gabriel went rogue. He brought it on himself.

I wasn't myself at the time. I couldn't do anything to stop it. That bear is usually such a good boy. ...

Don't give it another thought. ... So how are you feeling? Are you ready for the big day?

I'm good. I'm good. Little Ronan has helped me work through some of my anger issues and I'm getting my drinking under control, prettymuch. ... Little Ronan's been a godsend. ...

Literally.

... And Mrs. Claus says she might come back to me! ... Things are going good. ... So, speaking of Christmas, I don't think I've seen your list yet. ... Assuming you've been good, got anything in mind?

Well, an iPhone would be awesome. And I wouldn't mind seeing the apocalypse averted. I mean, that's my call, right? Who the heck do those Crows think they are? When the time is right, I'll lower the boom, not some stupid birds. And I went to bat for those Crows I don't know how many times. ... Dude, I'm rambling. Howabout you? Is there anything special you'd like for Christmas?

Well.... Since you asked, you know Prancer was killed by Gabriel, and, well, I'm a little light on flying reindeer. Is there any possibility you could release Rudolph from hell?

Is he still in hell??? Where is my head? He was never supposed to be there in the first place. I was just trying to sell the whole Newman story to Bauer and I guess Old Donovan took it a little too far.

So I can have Rudolph for the sleigh team?

Consider it done. I'll put an extraction team together right away.

Thank you, Jesus! Are you planning to catch the A Christmas Carol blog?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it. I'd love to bust that Atown-Liker's ass one of these days.

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.