ALLENTOWN IS NICE: Prepare the battle sleigh

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Prepare the battle sleigh

As you can see, Allentown has really taken a beating from the guns of the Spanish Armada, who, under the direction of Gabrielle, seem to be unstoppable. As you can also see, the PPL Tower is one of the few buildings still standing.

Aye, lad. And poor St. Michael is taking a beating as well. Aside from having to fight the two giant demons, Gabrielle is using his fine angel sense of triangulation to target Michael.

Yea. A damn shame. He seems to be on his last legs. Whatever. What goes around comes around, right Mike?

I can't take much more of this. Some one has to stop the cannon fire.

And that Cuchulainn is pretty handy with a spear.

And that Marge knows how to chuck a bus.

Aye, lad. She has it down to science. First she tears off the front like it's a box of Goobers, eats the people inside and tosses it at Michael. She has good form, I'll give her that.

Atown-Liker! Come out. I need your help. It's up to you to stop the Spanish Armada.

Me? What the hell? You're the freakin' angel. How am I supposed to stop a 420-year-old navy?

Listen to me. Your life was spared for a reason. ... You know what you have to do. ... You have to pray.

Pray? Are you outta your mind?

You must. If you don't, everything around you will be destroyed.

Holy crap. ... All right, here goes. Um ... father, son, holy ghost. It's been 24 years since my last confession. ... Um, no that's not right.

Hurry! I won't last much longer.

OK, OK. Jeezo-whiz. Um, OK, listen. I know I don't ask for much ... I mean some of these yo-yos are asking you for stuff all the time, right? So please hear me now: Dear Santa, please help Michael out of this jam and get rid of the Spanish Armada. And get rid of freakin' Marge and the big Irish a-hole too. Thanks. Talk to you next year. ... Oh, one last thing. Would it be possible to get a gift receipt for that Nano you gave me? I really don't like that weird red color. ... How was that ?

We're doomed.

What the hell? Get me Santa on the horn.

Hey. I heard. What an a-hole!

... and Michael let him live. Listen, dude, could you do me solid and deal with this for me.

You bet. Anything for you, boss. ... You know there's nothing wrong with that color....

Actually that Touch you gave me is the same color. I ... got used to it. ... Oh, and if you get a shot at Gabrielle, take it.

Hmmm. Check. ... Hello? Get me Shinny Upatree. ... Shinny? Prepare the battle sleigh.

3 comments:

Sanctifying Grace said...: This is war! Those bums knocked down Yocco's and Willy Joe's! Those savages!; January 30, 2009 at 10:17 PM
Chris Casey said...: I say, the destruction of Allentown will bring in a lot of money! Mayor Ed's guys should fine the Armada for not getting the proper demolition permits!

And does Marge have a license to handle a bus? Has she had her physical? There's a couple thou in fines right there!; January 31, 2009 at 5:57 PM
Anonymous said...: We're still assessing the damage, but the Yocco's on Hamilton is outside of the kill zone. ... According to Ralph Kramden a 6-foot-tall bus driver needs to be less than 252 lbs. that would put Marge about 1,200 pounds over; February 2, 2009 at 12:01 PM

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.