Heaven will suck now

So, what's the connection between a dead actor in non-Parallel Time and president's dog Ponzi in Parallel Time?

The crows do not know this. But we do know that the dog ate 50 billion dollars and we do know that Jesus made Paul Newman the Lord of Parallel Time.


Then we have to go to Parallel time and torture Paul Newman.

Hell yeah! I'll torture that Newman my damn self. Jesus was my pal till Newman came around, then suddenly they hangin out watching all those damn movies and sharing those damn chips. The Player doesn't eat any damn chips! Cool Hand Luke can kiss my ass!

Caw! It is impossible. Lord Newman has imposed celestial lockdown. Not even the crows can travel to Parallel Time.

If I may interject, gentlemen. I may not know about such things as Parallel Time, but I do know about money. Am I to assume that 50 billion dollars is a substantial sum in this time?

Hell yeah, tin man. The Player's not even worth more than 30 billion.

Then that gentlemen is your connection. I dare say that money was not eaten at all, but hidden away. I believe this Ponzi of yours is acting in concert with Lord Newman. Ponzi is his pet! This man doesn't just want to be God, he wants to have more money than God.

Ponzi is more than his pet! Ponzi is his lover! Caw! Caw!

Stop! Seriously, you need to knock it off or we're not going to bring you with us any more. ... The metallic one is wise. I regret pooping upon him.

Poop!

Angel, how do we contact Jesus?

Easy! He's one of my Five Favorites, so it's a free call! ... It's ringing.

Um, hello?

Hi, Jesus. It's me, the little angel. You're on speaker.

Oh, hi. You were doing something with a statue, right? How did that work out?


Gen. Trexler attacked the Spanish Armada and fell into the water and then he helped capture Gabriel and then we ended up at the North Pole and Gabriel was eaten by a polar bear....


OK, cool. See ya later ....




Jesus, wait! We need to tell you about Lord Newman. ... Mr. Bauer, he doesn't sound like himself.

Jesus? Sir, my name is Jack Bauer and it is very important that I talk to you. What are you doing right now?


Jack Bauer? Cool. I'm just chillin' dude. Having some tortilla chips ... Newman's Own. Really excellent.


Sir, it is crucial that you do exactly as I say. Slowly, put down the bag and step away from the chips. I believe they have been drugged. Have one of the seraphim take them down to the lab.


The seraphim? Oh, there all gone. ... And so's the lab for that matter. Mr. Newman said I should lay them off.


You laid off the seraphim? Are you nuts? How could you? They are your last line of defense! Heaven will suck now.


Mr. Newman said we didn't need them and he never liked the whole "holy, holy, holy" thing. He said it gave him a headache.


Sir, who is with you right now?


It's just me and the Holy Ghost. ... A very creepy dude.

Please put him on the phone, sir. ... Hello, Mr. Ghost? It's imperative that you destroy all of the Newman's Own chips.

Um, sure, OK.

Jesus! Hey it's me, The Player! Drink one a my protein shakes. That'll kick the ass of them damn Newman chips.

Player ... buddy! How's it going, dude?

Jesus? ... Listen carefully. Your entire network has been compromised, starting with Gabriel, and Paul Newman has taken control of Parallel Time. It is imperative that we travel there to stop him, but he has engaged the the celestial lockdown protocols. Can you help us?

It is impossible! Caw!

No, wait. There is a way. ... Old Donovan.

Caw!

Ya gotta love those guys

I'm getting word from Earl F. Hunsicker Bicentennial Park that Marge has collected a fresh batch of LANTA buses from left field and is on her way downtown to continue her brawl with St. Michael. It may take a while, because, I'm told, she tipped over the Alburtus L. Meyers Bridge on her way over to the South Side. Just for fun! Man, I hope she wins this fight.
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Michael, meanwhile, is rumaging around inside the former Daro's Extreme Fitness III, looking for some barbells and a mirror. Ever since he took that shot of steroids from Atown-Liker he's had this sense of crazed narcissistic caged animal about him. ... Maybe I was wrong about the guy, but I doubt it.
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I don't think there much left in there, though, after they cleaned it out. Daro's, you may remember, was the gym that in its last few weeks of operation ran coupons in the Clipper magazine offering 1 year memberships for just $150 before slashing that price to $99. They signed up as many dopes as they could in that last couple a weeks then shamefully skulked out of town on Easter weekend. Easter weekend! Ya gotta love those guys. They're practically legends back where I come from. In fact we have a place of honor all set up for 'em when the time comes. ...
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Um, where was I? Oh yeah, The Morning Call. Sweet move they pulled over the weekend, am I right? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. ... They cut off their whole freakin head! That's a lotta anguish and pain right there. Gotta hand it to Sam Zell. I mean there's not much more we can do to honor that guy -- he already has a whole wing named after him downstairs and he's a personal friend of the boss. Anyway, since Croc Rock and the Americus are gone we've decided to move our local operations into the Call's building. It's prettymuch empty now and I've still got a couple a buddies there.
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Anyway, gotta bet back to my post. See ya on the radio.

Lame ass

Wake up and post something!

Leave me alone. I feel like crap. Maybe next week.

Lame ass.

Let us prepare our stones

I reckon this here's the place, hmmm.

How can we be sure?

See them two fellers there with the cart? They was in onea Marge's pitchers. Mmmm hmm.

It's not a cart, it's a litter.

And you's the same feller says things is ironic when they's merely a coincidence. Reckon I'll call it a cart. Mmm hmmm.

Enough. It matters little what you call it. It seems we are at the correct location. The question is not where we are but when we are. Where are those damn crows?

The crows are everywhere, Maximillian A. Bear.

And the crows demand a sacrifice! Caw!


No we don't. Knock it off. ... You are indeed on the ridge above Marge's Turkish vacation chalet. The date is April 16, 2008, three months before Marge will come to Allentown.

So, what should we do?

You must do what you have done before.

But this time don't screw it up! Caw!

But we've never been here before. I know I've never even been to Turkey.

Here here. I have been involved in both attempts to kill Marge, once alone in 1868 in Japan and once last year with these fellows,
which of course was also in Japan in 1868, I suppose, being that they had traveled through time to ensure my success in the first attempt, which as we know also failed, the second attempt being the first attempt, as it were.

Caw!

Do you not recall when Marge wrote on her blog
that she had survived a rock slide in Turkey? ... That was you.



That's preposterous! ... First, that was never Marge's blog. She hijacked it from Atown-Liker. Second, the idea that we came to Turkey 12 months ago to kill Marge is impossible! 12 months ago most of us were in Allentown, in one form or time period or another.

Truman is right. We would remember trying to kill a demon in Turkey, I think.

You do not remember because you have not done it yet.

Hmmmm. I reckon the Green Feller figures thats ironic too. Mmm. ... Wonder if Marge got some Turkish taffee in thar .... hmm.

Or a Turkish bath!

Be on your guard and watch the chalet. Tomorrow will be your day.

No time for frivolities my good fellows. Let us prepare our stones!

It is ironic, isn't it?

Caw! The 'you have not done it yet' part was a paradox. I'm pretty sure the part about preparing the stones was a double entendre.