Biebermania grips Valley

Here we are at the Lehigh Valley's largest newspaper. The final battle between good and evil is about to occur right across the street, but there's been no mention of it in the paper or the website. ... Excuse me, Mack. Who do I complain to about press coverage?

That'd be me. I'm the editor in charge of not covering things.

Well, explain this to me. The city all around you lies in ruins and the final battle between good and evil is about to occur right under your nose. And I'll give you a scoop right now. Evil's gonna win. ... You'd think the local media would be interested in covering what is likely to be the beginning of a reign of unspeakable evil over mankind, leading to the certain destruction of the world. Why no coverage?

The problem is, you don't understand what we do here. Nobody does. This newspaper is a tool. You're supposed to use it for life.

Tool is right. ... Your readers deserve to know about what's happening in their city.

Listen. Our readers are like sheep. We are their shepherd. They don't care about good and evil. Those are concepts. We don't deal in concepts. We deal in stuff. Our readers want to know about stuff. Fun stuff.


Like Justin Bieber?

Exactly. The entire Lehigh Valley is gripped in Biebermania. Our readers want Justin Bieber and, by jove, we're gonna give them Justin Bieber. If that kid so much as farts, we're going to be right on top of it.

Unacceptable. I want to talk to your supervisor.

Go right ahead. ... Dave! I got a guy here wants to complain about our coverage of the final battle between good and evil.


Don't bother me now! ... The satellite images are in. Justin may have a pimple! ... Get the chopper in the air!



Aye aye, Captain!

I had no choice

Explain yourself, Mr. Bramwell. Why are you harboring a crow in your knapsack?


You don't understand, Mrs. Egram. I had no choice.


The crows attempted to kill us in Turkey, did you know that? ... Or was it Hungary?


It was Turkey, Truman. And yes I am aware of your past associations with the crows.


We ate a mess of them Turkey crows. Hmm mm.


I said, explain yourself!


I had no choice! The crows enslaved me as a child and they force me to do their bidding. The crow in my sack is called Gorgon. He is an important leader among the crows. He is my overseer.


Him's the crow you keep in that cage. Hmmm.


No! He keeps me in a cage. He was only posing as my pet for your benefit.


What is he doing here, with us?


As you know, Mrs. Egram, normally the crows are able to fly through time and through dimensions as easily other birds fly through the air.


Like penguins? Hmmm.


Caw! Penguins are the enemy!


No. Nothing like penguins! Please, let me continue. Since the implementation of the celestial lockdown protocols by Lord Newman, the crows have been unable to travel into Parallel Time. I was commanded to bring Gorgon into Parallel Time with you.


Why didn't you just take him on the elevator yourself?


I couldn't. Carrot Top was monitoring my activities. He is an acolyte of Lord Newman, as are Chuckie and Onslo. I needed your help to defeat them.


Onslo?


I expected him to be there, but his whereabouts are unknown to me.


Why do these crows of yours seek to enter Parallel Time?


They believe a sacred atrifact exists there in the Antarctic that they can use to bring about the appocalypse. Gorgon was hoping to contact a mythical creature known as the Great White Crow.


Preposterous!


The crows may be evil, Mrs. Egram, but no one ever accused them of being intelligent. Their brains are quite tiny.


Caw!


What was to become of us, Mr. Bramwell.


The crows commanded me to leave you in one of the more inhospitable timelimes. ... But I decided to turn against them. I see you as a lifeline to my freedom, Mrs. Egram. You must believe me.


What about Gorgon?


I know someone who is waiting for his supper.


Grrr.


Caw!

Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this blog entry. ... Except for the crow. He was killed.

Ya gotta love those guys

I'm getting word from Earl F. Hunsicker Bicentennial Park that Marge has collected a fresh batch of LANTA buses from left field and is on her way downtown to continue her brawl with St. Michael. It may take a while, because, I'm told, she tipped over the Alburtus L. Meyers Bridge on her way over to the South Side. Just for fun! Man, I hope she wins this fight.
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Michael, meanwhile, is rumaging around inside the former Daro's Extreme Fitness III, looking for some barbells and a mirror. Ever since he took that shot of steroids from Atown-Liker he's had this sense of crazed narcissistic caged animal about him. ... Maybe I was wrong about the guy, but I doubt it.
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I don't think there much left in there, though, after they cleaned it out. Daro's, you may remember, was the gym that in its last few weeks of operation ran coupons in the Clipper magazine offering 1 year memberships for just $150 before slashing that price to $99. They signed up as many dopes as they could in that last couple a weeks then shamefully skulked out of town on Easter weekend. Easter weekend! Ya gotta love those guys. They're practically legends back where I come from. In fact we have a place of honor all set up for 'em when the time comes. ...
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Um, where was I? Oh yeah, The Morning Call. Sweet move they pulled over the weekend, am I right? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. ... They cut off their whole freakin head! That's a lotta anguish and pain right there. Gotta hand it to Sam Zell. I mean there's not much more we can do to honor that guy -- he already has a whole wing named after him downstairs and he's a personal friend of the boss. Anyway, since Croc Rock and the Americus are gone we've decided to move our local operations into the Call's building. It's prettymuch empty now and I've still got a couple a buddies there.
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Anyway, gotta bet back to my post. See ya on the radio.

Use your discretion, dude

You have reached Michael the Archangel. I am currently on vacation. Yeah that's right: Vacation. And it's been a long time coming. So leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you next week. If it's an emergency please call Archangel Gabrielle.

Hey, Michael, man, it's Jesus. I was hoping to catch you ... something's come up.

Hello, Jesus? It's me. What can I do for you, my Lord?

Oh man, Michael. What are you doing in your office when you're supposed to be kicking back with an umbrella drink and soaking in some rays?

Well ... I didn't know where else to go. I mean, I'm already in heaven.

You're absolutely right, like always. Though, Cabo is pretty cool. ... So here's the deal. I think I'm going to need you down in Allentown again. I mean I did send Gabrielle down but I have a bad feeling about it. ... I mean he's a fine archangel, but ... he's not half the swordsman that you are.

Oh, well thank you, Jesus. I'm flattered.

Please tell me we're talking about the same thing.

Oh, right, of course. ... So what's the problem? I mean the sixth-dimensional rift is sealed and the normal progression of time has resumed.

Marge.

Oy vey. I hate that word.

Dude, she's finally flipped her wig. She's, like, 13 feet tall and she's smashing buildings in downtown Allentown. She's totally buggin.


Not Parallel Allentown?!?

No, non-Parallel, thank Dad.

Seriously. Parallel Allentown is sweet. Non-Parallel Allentown, not so much.

Tell me about it, but some of them still like it. You know, the apologists. ... Anyway, Marge. She's been fighting this sea monster ...

I know the one.

Well, the sea monster is losing and this Cuchulainn character is ready to take on the winner.

You mean Ronan? Marge will peel him like a potato and swallow him whole.
Yeah, about that. ... It's complicated. He's got some ancient powers ...

Not another grandfather clause??

Man, I'm sorry, dude. I know how you feel about this stuff, but you know the story. ... Anyway he goes into this warp spasm thing and he's kind of a badass.

What will you have me do, Lord?

You know the drill, dude. I don't like to interfere in earthly matters. Use your discretion. But here's some advice: It would be better for everyone of neither one of them walks away from this fight.

Got it. What about the crows -- you want them gone? I could take them out easy.

No way, the crows are cool. In fact, you're gonna need their help. ... Oh, and one last thing. Atown-Liker is back from the dead -- with a tan.

I suspected as much.

His double from Parallel Time is there, too. Is that going to be a problem?

Nah. I just gotta off of one of them before the tan wears off. Any preferences?

Hmmm. ... Whatever. Use your discretion, dude.