First off, you're not even dead

Baby Ronan?

Yes Santa?

It's time we talked. ... Do you remember how it was you came to live at the North Pole?

Well, I was playing with my sister Marge when suddenly there was this big rock slide.

And you were trapped in a cave.

Yes. And and a strange man was there in the cave and he said he reckoned he was going to have to eat me.

Karl.

Yes. Then St. Michael the Archangel appeared and told Karl he was not going to eat me and that he and his friends had screwed everything up.

And then what happened?

Well, I guess I died. ... The Angel took me to Limbo, where I did some time. ... Then after a while because of good behavior, I was sent to Purgatory, where I met Mr. Player, who had been sent there by Jesus for being jealous of Mr. Newman.

And when Jesus sent the Player to the North Pole after Marge was attacked by the Spanish Armada, the Player talked Jesus into letting you come here to to help Santa.

Yes. Jesus said that you had gone "completely apeshit," in his words, with your battle sleigh and that he wanted me to help you get off the bottle, which I guess didn't work out so good.

Hey! I've got it under control.

... And after Agent Bauer tortured the bad archangel Gabriel and Gabriel was eaten by a polar bear, Mr. Player, Agent Bauer, Rudolph, Bubbles and the Trexler statue went back to Allentown to travel into Parallel Time. ... And now I live here with you and Rudolph and all of the elves.

Well, that's what we told you anyway. But it's time you learned the real story, son. ... First off, you're not even dead.

A fine big woman, she is

... Marge opens up with an aggressive move, tossing the sea monster through a large picture window onto the sidewalk. ... The sea monster is down and not moving. ... Of course, not much is moving as time seems to be progressing verrrry slooooowly right now. I'm afraid, folks, that this match may be over before it even gets started.


Jaysus, ya'd think a fine big sea creature like that would put up a better fight. We got tougher sea trout than that in the River Liffey.

Wait, there appears to be some movement. Marge is trying to follow the sea monster through the picture window to finish her off, but it looks like she can't fit through ....

She a fine large woman, that Marge, devil.

Hey, that reminds me ... what was goin on with you at the BrewWorks earlier, anyways? Wait, hold that thought. ... Whoa, what do we have here? The door to the grocer's alley seems to be slooooowly opening, and ... wait a second, it looks like ... yes it is! It's R. Dodger, Marge's faithful toady ...

Aye, he's a fine big strappin' lad isn't he?

Better living through chemistry, that's what they say. And lookit! He's carrying a rusty old lawnmower blade. By golly, it looks like the sycophantic yes man is going to finish the job for Marge. ...

I believe that's a keyser blade, devil. Some lads calls it a slingblade, but I fancy the term keyser blade. And, if ya don't mind me sayin', I believe that's a baker's alley, not a grocer's alley.

Whatever you say, pal. Who am I to argue with a drunken Irish tenor who staggered through a sixth-dimensional rift from a parallel timeline? ... So folks, Dodger is coming at the sea monster with a keyser blade from the baker's alley while Marge is still struggling to squeeze through that picture window. ...

Begorrah, a fine big woman she is ...

... Meanwhile, the sea monster is just totally out of it. She seems completely dazed and helpless. ... O.K. -- Dodger has reached the prone monster and, wait a minute, I think he's saying something to her ....

I'm gonna kill you just like I killed your pal, Atown-Liker. I should have finished you off back at that hospital in Mon ---

Oh my!! Did you see that? The sea monster just bit Dodger's head clean off and spit it out in the gutter! That's gotta hurt!
Crap! I'm gonna sue your ass!

I seen play like that once in hurling. I believe it was Cork versus Kilkenny. Callahan took a mighty swing at the sliotar with his hurley and he knocked poor O'Malley's head right off, saints preserve us.

Fascinating. I may hurl. Wait ... there's some movement. The sea monster has picked up a parked car ....

It's a wee little thing ....

She's carrying the car over to the house ... Marge is stuck halfway out that window yet ... Oh my goodness! The sea monster has smashed the car right on Marge's head, knocking her back inside. Ouch! Now she's throwing the car inside the house after her. ... I don't see how Marge could have survived a blow like that. That's gotta smart!

Indeed, I believe it was a Smart Car.

Is it my imagination or is time speeding up a little? Look at that guy walking this way down the block -- the one with the tan ... that looks like normal speed. Wait a sec ... Marge is stirring ... whoa! Look out! She's just kicked down the front wall of the house and she's following the sea monster toward 9th Street. ....

Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!

I couldn't put it any better myself. C'mon, we gotta follow them around the corner ...

No, not that. Would you look at that man comin down the block. Saints preserve us!

Aside from the hideous tan, he seems unremarkable. ... C'mon we have a fight to broadcast and you're a natural color man. With all of your inane comments, you're a regular Tim McCarver.

Don't ya see it, devil? It's me! It's me! Holy Mudder of God, it's me!

Oh! Isn't he supposed to be dead?

Hey! What the hell did you do to my house?

A brief dispatch

Hello all. I shall keep this dispatch brief as we have crucial work to accomplish.


We have safely alighted in Japan after an arduous journey marked by the near constant complaints of Truman, our polar bear flying carpet. Using Marge's photo of herself and her brother being transported via rickshaw in the Japanese countryside in the year of our Lord 1868 we have found the exact spot where we shall trigger our rock slide.

Evidently Marge engaged in subterfuge when describing that photo on her usurped blog. She said it depicted herself along with a nanny and two menservants. In actuality Marge is the nanny in the photo and her brother Ronan is dressed as the little girl. Apparently Marge wanted to erase all evidence of her brother's existence.

But no matter. Our rocks are arranged in concentric piles from smaller to larger as we await the arrival of the rickshaw. In the failed attempt to bury Marge under the rocks in another timeline I had erred by using rocks that were too small. As a result, Marge and Ronan were not killed, but took shelter in a cave, where Marge subsequently consumed her brother.

In this attempt we are using bigger rocks, and Karl has already blocked the entrance to the cave with a large boulder. This time there shall be no failure. I believe the subsequent rockslide will be violent enough to kill both Marge and her adopted brother, a minor Celtic demon. In this we, if I may be permitted a bit of levity, we shall be able to kill two birds with one stone, or in this case with seven concentric piles of stones graded from small to large.

Ow! A crow has just pecked the top of my head! It should be noted that our expedition has been increasingly plagued by crows since we arrived. Corvids are sometimes considered sacred messengers among the Japanese. Let us hope the message they carry for our party is a happy one.

Cheers!

Maxwell A. Bear Sr., demon hunter.