ALLENTOWN IS NICE: First off, you're not even dead

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

First off, you're not even dead

Baby Ronan?

Yes Santa?

It's time we talked. ... Do you remember how it was you came to live at the North Pole?

Well, I was playing with my sister Marge when suddenly there was this big rock slide.

And you were trapped in a cave.

Yes. And and a strange man was there in the cave and he said he reckoned he was going to have to eat me.

Karl.

Yes. Then St. Michael the Archangel appeared and told Karl he was not going to eat me and that he and his friends had screwed everything up.

And then what happened?

Well, I guess I died. ... The Angel took me to Limbo, where I did some time. ... Then after a while because of good behavior, I was sent to Purgatory, where I met Mr. Player, who had been sent there by Jesus for being jealous of Mr. Newman.

And when Jesus sent the Player to the North Pole after Marge was attacked by the Spanish Armada, the Player talked Jesus into letting you come here to to help Santa.

Yes. Jesus said that you had gone "completely apeshit," in his words, with your battle sleigh and that he wanted me to help you get off the bottle, which I guess didn't work out so good.

Hey! I've got it under control.

... And after Agent Bauer tortured the bad archangel Gabriel and Gabriel was eaten by a polar bear, Mr. Player, Agent Bauer, Rudolph, Bubbles and the Trexler statue went back to Allentown to travel into Parallel Time. ... And now I live here with you and Rudolph and all of the elves.

Well, that's what we told you anyway. But it's time you learned the real story, son. ... First off, you're not even dead.

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Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.