ALLENTOWN IS NICE

Friday, February 25, 2011

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Parallel Time: Oh, Cruel Fortuna

Monday, January 31, 2011

Parallel Time: About Damn Time

I have been asked to pause momentarily in my destruction of Allentown to convey the following message: There is new post on Parallel Time. In fact, there shall be no more posts on Allentown Is Nice until certain issues vis-à-vis the Crows have been resolved. Until then, future posts will be found on Parallel Time. Rest assured, I shall continue to destroy Allentown in the interim. Thank you for your indulgence. ... Oh! Is that a LANTA bus? I though I had eaten them all. ... Please excuse me, if you would. Good day.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

On the 12th day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Twelve drummers drumming,

Eleven pipers piping,

Ten Lords a leaping,

Nine ladies dancing,

Eight maids a milking,

Seven Swansons swimming,

Six geese a laying,

Five golden rings,

Four collie birds,

Three French hens,

Two turtle doves

and a partridge in a pear tree!

Monday, December 13, 2010

It's not a turtle, it's a dove

What the hell is this?

The list said two turtledoves.

These aren't doves. They're goddam turtles. ... Mutilated turtles with pigeon heads. What did you do?

They're "turtledoves," just like the list says. A cross between a turtle and a dove.

No, no, no! A turtledove is a dove. It's not a turtle. It's a freakin dove! This is sick.

Look, you want I should make this into a dove, it'll be on OT. Just remember that. And you owe me a break.

Freakin' elf union. ... I'll never get done by Christmas.

It ain't my fault I wasn't properly trained.

Dude, I don't want to be here when he sees the three French hens.

Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween

Does this costume make me look fat?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Biebermania grips Valley

Here we are at the Lehigh Valley's largest newspaper. The final battle between good and evil is about to occur right across the street, but there's been no mention of it in the paper or the website. ... Excuse me, Mack. Who do I complain to about press coverage?

That'd be me. I'm the editor in charge of not covering things.

Well, explain this to me. The city all around you lies in ruins and the final battle between good and evil is about to occur right under your nose. And I'll give you a scoop right now. Evil's gonna win. ... You'd think the local media would be interested in covering what is likely to be the beginning of a reign of unspeakable evil over mankind, leading to the certain destruction of the world. Why no coverage?

The problem is, you don't understand what we do here. Nobody does. This newspaper is a tool. You're supposed to use it for life.

Tool is right. ... Your readers deserve to know about what's happening in their city.

Listen. Our readers are like sheep. We are their shepherd. They don't care about good and evil. Those are concepts. We don't deal in concepts. We deal in stuff. Our readers want to know about stuff. Fun stuff.

Like Justin Bieber?

Exactly. The entire Lehigh Valley is gripped in Biebermania. Our readers want Justin Bieber and, by jove, we're gonna give them Justin Bieber. If that kid so much as farts, we're going to be right on top of it.

Unacceptable. I want to talk to your supervisor.

Go right ahead. ... Dave! I got a guy here wants to complain about our coverage of the final battle between good and evil.

Don't bother me now! ... The satellite images are in. Justin may have a pimple! ... Get the chopper in the air!

Aye aye, Captain!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Parallel Time: Arf!

What the hell are we doin out in the woods?

Monday, August 2, 2010

Step away from the device

You hold it right there, fancy boy. What the hell did you do to my bear?

I meant no harm to your bear, dear sir. He had walked off with one of my instruments and I was merely attempting to retrieve it.

You killed him!

I assure you, sir, the bear is not dead. I simply applied a sleeper hold on him. Shortly, he will be frolicking about as if nothing happened.

He better be. ... What the hell is that thing anyway?

This? ... Why it is nothing more than a simple hot dog roll divider.

You're a damn liar! I know a polar destabilization device when I see one.

I assure you sir, I know nothing of this ....

Save it, bug-eye. ... Wait a cotton pickin' minute. ... You aren't on my list. ... You don't belong in this realm do you?

Well, you seem to have the advantage, sir. If you must know, I am an interdimensional tourist and I seem to have lost my way. Perhaps you could assist me ...

Bullshit! You're a damn interdimensional trespasser. Now step away from the device.

Yawn.

You see sir. It's just as I said. The bear is fine. ... And now I'd like to take my leave.

You ain't goin' nowhere, boy. ... Now step away from that device or I'll blast you right off this shish kebob.

You know about the shish kebobs?

I'm freakin' Santa, goddam it! Of course I know about the shish kebobs. Now step away from that device. ... Slowly.

Sir, this is just a grave misunderstanding.

The only thing grave around here ... what's that noise? ... What the hell?

I believe that's my ride. I bid you adieu.

POOF!

Son of a bitch!

Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.