ALLENTOWN IS NICE: santa claus

Monday, August 2, 2010

Step away from the device

You hold it right there, fancy boy. What the hell did you do to my bear?

I meant no harm to your bear, dear sir. He had walked off with one of my instruments and I was merely attempting to retrieve it.

You killed him!

I assure you, sir, the bear is not dead. I simply applied a sleeper hold on him. Shortly, he will be frolicking about as if nothing happened.

He better be. ... What the hell is that thing anyway?

This? ... Why it is nothing more than a simple hot dog roll divider.

You're a damn liar! I know a polar destabilization device when I see one.

I assure you sir, I know nothing of this ....

Save it, bug-eye. ... Wait a cotton pickin' minute. ... You aren't on my list. ... You don't belong in this realm do you?

Well, you seem to have the advantage, sir. If you must know, I am an interdimensional tourist and I seem to have lost my way. Perhaps you could assist me ...

Bullshit! You're a damn interdimensional trespasser. Now step away from the device.

Yawn.

You see sir. It's just as I said. The bear is fine. ... And now I'd like to take my leave.

You ain't goin' nowhere, boy. ... Now step away from that device or I'll blast you right off this shish kebob.

You know about the shish kebobs?

I'm freakin' Santa, goddam it! Of course I know about the shish kebobs. Now step away from that device. ... Slowly.

Sir, this is just a grave misunderstanding.

The only thing grave around here ... what's that noise? ... What the hell?

I believe that's my ride. I bid you adieu.

POOF!

Son of a bitch!

Friday, July 9, 2010

I thought he was a myth

North Pole, Realm of the Really Big Crows

We must set to work quickly. The transpolar destabilizer does not function well in extreme cold.

Caw! You would think transpolar destabilizers would be made to work in polar conditions.

Alas, made in China. The transphasic vibration coils are made of lead, which reacts poorly to extreme cold.

Freakin' China! ... Caw! I don't like the looks of that polar bear, Lord Bramwell. I think he's stalking us.

There's always a polar bear. ... Ignore it. We are of no interest to him. ... According to my calculations, if we activate the transpolar destabilizer at this spot, we shall emerge at the South Pole of Parallel Time very near the transphasic bubble that confines the Great White Crow in the polar ice.

How will we free him?

We shall, of course, adjust the polarity on the destabilizer until we find a time wave frequency that will evaporate the bubble from within.

Of course, Lord Bramwell. You are wise. ... Caw! The polar bear! ... He's taken the destabilizer!

I shall subdue the bear and retrieve the destabilizer. You start the generator.

Yes, Lord Bramwell.

There, now. The bear will awaken none the worse for the wear with nothing more than a slight headache. ... Begin the polar destabilzation sequence.

You are kind and merciful, Lord Bramwell.

Now shut up. The destabilizer is armed! The polar destabilization sequence has begun! Prepare yourself!

Caw!

Hey! What the goddam hell did you bastards do to my bear???

Caw! Santa Claus! I thought he was a myth.

Is he ... shooting at us?

He's hit the destabilizer! Caw!

Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.