ALLENTOWN IS NICE: cannons

Showing posts with label cannons. Show all posts

Monday, August 11, 2008

No wonder he's dead

O.K. If you really want to find Atown-Liker in the spirit world, you should probably look in a bar -- a spirit world bar, that is, like Cannons or the Federal Grill. Would you care for a mojito?

Make that a NO-jito. You got any protein shakes?

Protein shake? Hmm. I'll let that one go by. I think we should start off with Cannons. God knows he spent a good part of his life in that place. ... POOF! Here we are. It hasn't changed a bit. There's Frank himself tending bar! And there's Joe Rednagle giving back rubs. And there's that fellow who came in almost every day in his pajamas and bathrobe. ... And look, the big painting hasn't been moronically destroyed. And ...

Hey Barbra Streisand, enough with 'The Way We Were.' He's not here. And I need to get paid. Don't you owe me some money?

No! ... Let's try the Federal Grill. He's been dead a month -- he may still be at the bar waiting for a beer. POOF! ... Hmmm. It's closed even when it's supposed to be open. I guess even spirit world bars can close if the service is slow enough.

You sound like some damn apologist! Hey look at that line outside Johnny Mañanas. That's more than a mile long.

That's not Johnny Mañanas. That's heaven. It only looks like Johnny Mañanas. See the velvet ropes? And the bouncer there with the Bluetooth ... that's St. Peter.

Do they charge a cover?

Not if you're on the list -- or if you show up with supermodels. But you have to know somebody. Do you have any connections?

Do I know somebody?? Does the name Jesus ring a bell? Jesus is my boy. He's saving me a seat right up there beside him. I just need to collect on a few debts so I can live in style once I get inside.

Well, good for you. How much does Atown-Liker owe you anyway? It's not like he ever had much money, and when he did spend it he certainly complained about it enough. Did you see what he wrote about Bolete?

Hell, I never read this stupid blog when I was alive. I sure ain't gonna start now. ... Well, he told me one time he would buy me a beer but he never did. Hell, The Player doesn't even drink beer. I figure with interest he owes me 1,000 bucks.

Wow. Good luck with that. ... Hey, before you go off to sit at the right hand of Jesus, I've been meaning to ask you something. What do you know about the secret room? You know, the place where Karl hid the cats.

Don't get me started on Karl and those damn cats. Those cats got me killed! ... And it's gonna be the LEFT hand! ... That stupid room is up in the attic someplace, but you can't see it -- it just looks like a brick wall from the outside. Spirits can't even go in there. Karl says there's some damn little kids livin in there and they like to play with those stupid cats. That's all I know.

Karl has children imprisoned in the attic?? You know, it takes a lot to rattle a ghost, but I just got a chill. I'm aquiver with dread. We should save them. Does Marge know about this?

I don't know and I don't care. What I care about is getting paid so I can go to heaven. Hell, if damn old Marge knew about them kids she'd probably just boil them or hang them on the wall or somethin. ... I don't think Karl has them locked up. He said they just live there ... in the past.

In the past? Hmmm. Very interesting. ... Well, one crisis at a time. Let's pop over to the Traylor. On a nice night Atown-Liker used to frequent the patio at Hary's .

He hung out at Hary's?? Hell, no wonder he's dead.

POOF!

Monday, June 30, 2008

Cannon's reopening imminent?

That's what they tell me.

I want to see the Redhead fall off that chair.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Picking at the carcass

Cannons may have served as my rec room for nearly 20 years but it's gone now and it's not coming back. Add it to last year's count of city homicides.

Neighbors in the historic district don't want the downstairs turned into an apartment and new owner Cityline recently withdrew those plans at least temporarily. Ideally, I'm assuming, opponents of that plan would like to see the building deconverted into a single family home.

Is that economically feasible? I don't know, but I doubt it. The cost of the refit is likely to be more than the building is worth. Lehigh County has appraised it at $62,000. Cityline, for the record, is listing it for sale at $125,000, minus the liquor license.

The more likely option may be as a corner store -- or bodega as the real estate listing notes -- retaining the apartment that already exists on the second floor.

I'm pretty sure the neighborhood doesn't want another bar there. I mean these are the same folks who complained about the noise -- right? -- ending the days when you could see the Buzz Band or Zen for Primates on a Thursday night.

A bar's not likely to happen. Cityline wants $200,000 for the license. Add that to the price of the building and you've got a lot of glasses of beer to sell in a neighborhood that appears to be on the brink.

Ultimately I guess I don't care what they do with the carcass; its soul flitted away when it shut down for good in June.

http://www.lehighcounty.org/Assessment/Puba.cfm?doc=ViewProperty.cfm&pin=549782947414&parnum=1

http://lvarmls.rapmls.com/scripts/mgrqispi.dll?APPNAME=Lehigh&PRGNAME=MLSPropertyDetail&ARGUMENTS=-N833661702,-N174328,-N,-A,-N17515266

Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.