Sorry about the Phillies, dudes

Hola, dudes! I'm in a meeting, so I'll make this quick.

You're wondering if the dudes on the elevator are dead -- am I right? Well, it sure doesn't look good does it? If you really want to know, check out Parallel Time.

What did Karl say? ... Interphasic toast, I reckon. Hmmm. ... Man, I never get tired of doing Karl. Hmmm. It aint got no gas in it. Mmm. ... Flowers is purty. Mmm. ... I like them french fried potaters. Mmm. Ha!

Hey, lookit. I also do Jayson Werth. Ha! ... Oh yeah. Sorry about the Phillies, dudes, but I did heal Rollins' leg, right? ... Later!

I hate Marge

So, one minute I'm a baby dinosaur playing with Jesus in the Garden of Eden, then, suddenly, I'm whisked away on an elevator travelling though time and space. So, I finally get used to that and I start growing up and I make some pretty good friends on the elevator, like Mrs. Egram, Truman and Karl. Even the Green Guy was OK, though he was sort of a wuss. And there was Bramwell, of course. I never really liked him. ... So, anyway, what happens? Suddenly, I'm grabbed by an interdimensional rift and trapped in an interphasic reality that exists somewhere between time and space. My life is over before it ever began. I mean, was that really God's plan for me ... to float in an interphasic void ... all my hopes and dreams dashed? And why? Because of someone named Marge who lives in a place called Allentown. I hate Marge, whoever she is. ... Well, you don't need to hear my troubles, do you? One good thing to come of it, I guess, is that I can talk and think now. ... Though, I have no one to talk to and my life was too short to have much to think about. ... Anyway. I'm supposed to tell you about a new post on Parallel Time, but I don't really feel like it.

Dude, seriously?

Bwaaah!

Jeez-oh-wiz, Tebow! Suck it up!

Bwaaah! My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Dude, chill. Nobody has forsaken anybody. It's just a game!

Didn't you read my eyeblack? Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."

I saw it, dude, and I totally appreciate it. I really do. But it's just a game. ... Consider it a test of your character. Remember Job?

Bwaaaaaah!


Dude! Did I teach you to be such a wuss?


Ahem. Sir? Maybe I can be of assistance.


Go for it dude. I can't get through to the guy. But no rough stuff, OK?

No, sir. That's all behind me now. ... Listen Timmy, I know an SEC Championship and and a BCS Championship were on your Christmas list, not to mention another Heisman, but maybe there's something else I can bring you?

Bwaaaaaah! ... Well, maybe. ... Sniff. Can I whisper it in your ear? I don't want Jesus to hear.

OK

Psssst, psss. Sniff. Pssst.

Done!



Dude, seriously?

Have you thought about my offer?

Hey, buddy! How's it going? Wanna play some pool?

Nah, no thanks, dude. I have a lot going on.

Have you thought about my offer?

About letting you rule Parallel Heaven for a while? Yeah, maybe it's a good idea ...

You bet it is. I'll take over there and get the place in order for you. I know you'll be keeping a low profile the next few weeks.

Things used to be so perfect in Parallel Time. Now things are a mess. ... Ever since that dumb polar bear opened the sixth dimensional rift. ... And then Ronan. I never saw him coming. ... And the crows? Come on. What's next? ... Like things aren't bad enough in Non-Parallel Time.

... And did I hear something about some TV chefs eating a Secret Service agent?

Don't even ask.

Listen, don't worry about a thing. I'll take care of it. Just relax. Take the next 40 days off. ... Hey, Mardi Gras party tonight! You coming?

Unlikely.

Well, listen, you just get some rest. You need me, you got my number. I'll take care of everything.

OK, dude. Thanks. Later.

See ya! ... Gabriel, where are you?

Still on the galleon, boss.

And Santa?

Going down in flames, just like you said.

OK. Listen get outta there now. ... How soon can you get over to Parallel Time?

I love Santa Claus

Dude! What's up, buddy? Are you coming to my birthday party?

Maybe. .. Is Newman gonna be there?

Well, I certainly hope Mr. Newman will come.

Then I ain't comin!

Dude, why do you have to be like that? We all want you to come.

Bull! You and Newman will just be there conspiring against me, trying to keep the chips away from me.

Dude, that's absurd. Nobody conspires against you ....

Oh yeah? Then how come when we're watchin one of Newman's damn movies, you're always passing the chips back and forth with each other? Nobody ever passes any damn chips to The Player.

But, Dude ... you don't eat chips. You always drink protein shakes and eat power bars and such ...

How would you know if you never pass me any?

OK, fine. Here. Have some chips. They're really good. There Newman's Own.

Hell no! The Player doesn't eat any damn chips! You and Newman can keep your damn chips!

Dude, I'm starting to worry about your attitude. I mean, this is heaven, man. We all work together here, we all pull for each other. We're a team. You think Michael the Archangel wants to be in Allentown fighting demons? Well, I don't. ... He's doing that for us; he's doing it for the team. There's no I in team, dude.

Oh, yeah? Well you what's got an I in it? I want the damn ball, that's what. The Player's gonna find a nice Hanukkah party this year. ... Hey, I thought Newman was Jewish anyway.

He's half Jewish.

So which half is comin to the party?

OK, that's just about enough. I think someone just earned a time out. -POOF!- ... Do you believe the nerve of that guy.

Knock knock. Anybody home?

Dude! What's up? It's great to see you. I could use a friendly face right about now. How long has it been??

A year. Listen I'm gonna be pretty busy tomorrow, so I thought I'd bring you your gift early. ... It's an i-Pod Touch.

Oh man, a Touch! These are awesome! Thank you, Santa. How did you know? Dude, you're the best. I love presents. I mean that's the reason for the season, am I right?

You're always right. Listen, I gotta run. You won't believe my day. Happy Birthday and I'll see you at the party!

Later, Dude. ... I love Santa Claus.

*********************************************

-POOF!- Hey, where the hell am I? ... Damn, it's that crazy Irishman, but he's all little ...

Hello sir.

You're like a mini Ronan without the accent. Where the hell am I?

This is Limbo, sir.

Damn! They suspended me again?