Like I don't have enough on my plate

Nothing is ever easy around here. So I send an angel and The Player over to PARALLEL TIME to pull the Green Guy outta there. And what happens? The Angel and the Green Guy get captured by some Irish demon that's barely even on my radar.

Who has to bail them out? Who else. Like I don't have enough on my plate. So I go down there trash the guy's place a little bit and chase him off. Then the angel is all over me cause I didn't smite the creep. Like I need to explain how come I smote this joker in Parallel Time. I'm already tied to my desk as it is. I don't need more freakin' paperwork.

So I figure, I'm gonna have to take care of this sixth-dimensional rift deal personally. I mean Junior is already breathing down my neck on this as it is. So I go back to the house where they held the seance in non-Parallel Time. I figure we need three spirits -- me, the angel and The Player -- and three whatever-you-call-thems ... um ... humans. On the way there I grab this drunk guy called the Irish Tenor who was hanging around on Hamilton Street. I get to the house and I grab the blogger that lives there, Parallel Atown-Liker. Plus the Green Guy -- that's three humans. At least I think the Green Guy is human, but close enough.

We hold the seance. Same table where they said the seance that started this mess. I even light a Christmas candle cause the Green Guy says the spirits are attracted to the flame and the scent. Whatever. I do the honors, say we need to talk to Maximillian A. Bear Jr. I don't have to tell you what happens next, right? We get Maximillian A. BAER, Jr. They got freakin' Jethro in Parallel Time too. I didn't even know that. And I'm pretty sure he ain't even dead.

So I get rid of him and bingo we get the right spirit. So he tries to come across with all this spooky crap, Who has disturbed my rest, yada yada. Like I have the patience for that. So I sit him down and tell him straight. He's the cause of this problem and he's gonna fix it. He opened the damn rift and compounded the situation when he went through it and and took the Green Guy with him. So now he's gonna look real hard for that rift and jump back through it -- him and the Green Guy.

Once they're through, bang, time in 2008 starts again, Junior is off of my back and I can get back to my paperwork.

So I end the seance, blow out the candle and POOF! Everything is the way it should be. The spirit and the Green Guy are gone. Parallel Atown-Liker is pissed off but I put him to sleep and won't remember nothin'. Then -- bing! -- like clockwork my cell rings.
.
I know who it is, he's one of my Five. It's Junior callin to tell me way to go, right, it's Michael to the rescue again.
.
Wrong. He's like, Dude the sixth-dimensional rift just opened again and the Green Guy didn't come out. Time is still frozen over here. Then he says there's this drunk guy singin' Danny Boy wandering around Hamilton Street. He's the only thing moving in non-Parallel Time and he just walked into the Brew Works and he's drinking their beer.

So I look around and son-of-a-gun, the Irish Tenor is gone. That freakin' spirit took the Irish Tenor with him.

So I'm thinkin' this doesn't make sense. In Parallel time the Irish Tenor is, like, the same guy as Atown-Liker is in non-Parallel time. Since non-Parallel Atown-Liker is dead, it shouldn't make much difference if his Parallel version comes over and replaces him. Right? I mean it seems right. Honestly, I can't figure out all this parallel crap. It's like some clown is making this up as they go along.

But then I'm thinking, how do I know Atown-Liker is even dead? I've never seen him. Surely he would have caused some trouble by now that I would have heard about. Well, he had a guardian angel and she told me he was dead, that's how. Some guardian angel. I'll give you two guesses who that was.

It was the same angel who decided to be the guardian angel for Atown-Liker's friends after he was gone. What happened to them? All hell broke loose with Marge and they had to escape through a time portal. Same angel who decided to be the Green Guy's guardian angel when he was the only one left. And what happened to him? Good question. Same angel who got captured by a demon and waterboarded.

Hang on, it's Junior again. Yes, sir. I understand. I was told he was poisoned with a non-alcoholic beer. They said the bomb squad detonated his body. Yes, the bomb squad. I'm not sure. Well, I'm also beginning to think he's not dead. Has anybody seen him? Is there any paperwork on him? The little angel. Yes, the same angel. Ditto. Same one. Hmmm. I've scheduled a performance review for her.... You've scheduled one for me as well? I see. Hmmm. More bad news? The Green Guy has been taken by the crows? The crows!?! For Christ's sake! Um, sorry. Right. I'm on it. Bye.

Um, I gotta go. We have a situation.

I gotta run this up the flagpole

You have reached Michael the Archangel. I'm either on another call or away from my desk smiting a demon. Leave a message at the beep and I will get back to you.

Hello, Michael, it's the Little Angel calling in. Please pick up, it's urgent.

It had better be, Angel. You would not believe my day.



OK, last week six individuals held a seance to contact a spirit who had been dead for more than 100 years. They succeeded, but at the end of the seance a sixth-dimensional rift occurred and one of the six individuals was pulled into PARALLEL TIME and time in 2008 has slowed to a standstill.


A -- That's not the way it works. Seances, as a rule, do not open sixth dimensional rifts. B -- Situations arising from seances clearly fall under the responsibilities of the Angel of Death. Call Archangel Gabriel. This is not my department.


But I spoke with Gabriel. Gabriel consulted with the Dominions who ruled that a sixth dimensional rift was a planetary issue rather than a seance issue. The Dominions ruled that you would have to deal with this.


Planetary issues? I have had it up to here with planetary issues. Any archangel that doesn't want to do his job says it's a planetary issue and it gets dumped into my lap. Is that fair? And the Dominions? Don't get me started. Have any of them ever actually worked a day in their lives? ... Like I have time for this. Do you have any idea how many demons I have smote this week? Angel of Death, my ass. Why doesn't Gabriel do the smoting?

They say smoting is bad for your health.

Oh now everybody's a comedian. You know, you could be reassigned. The cherubim always need people to change their diapers. ... Alright, tell me again how this rift opened. Were there any spirits involved in this seance?


Yes. There were three spirits and three humans. At least I think the Green Guy is a human. And the spirit who held the seance ...

Whoa whoa whoa. First off, spirits ain't my department either. If a spirit needs to get out of a jam they should talk to Uriel. Second, why would a spirit hold a seance to contact another spirit. We gave them all unlimited minutes for any calls within the spirit world ... and that cost a bundle.


Well there were special circumstances. The spirit in question was a boy who in 1868 had passed through a time portal into 2008. Because a living boy could not exist in the same realm with his deceased spirit ...

... a stupid rule that I voted AGAINST ...


... he was transformed into a polar bear cub and transported to the Arctic Circle ...

... Raphael! His job! ...

... Subsequently, the bear was shot by a poacher and became a polar bear spirit ...

Animal! Again, Raphael!

... and said spirit returned to the house that contained the aforementioned time portal only to find that his corpse, as well as those of several of his polar bear friends were being used there as a carpet.

God, I need a Tylenol. So who was this polar bear trying to contact. ... And do not tell me himself.

Himself ... the self he would have been had he not passed through the time portal.
No, seriously. ... Oh, man. This polar bear has really screwed the pooch, pardon my vernacular. Why would he do such a stupid thing. Did he not get the handbook? It says quite clearly in Chapter 3, Paragraph 9. Subsection a), "Any spirit who for any reason finds him/her self in a time period other than his/her own shall under no circumstances try to contact him/her self. The results could be cataclysmic, including but not limited to creating a sixth-dimensional rift."

Apparently polar bears, and animals in general, do not get the handbook ...

Raphael and Uriel!! Here comes the reflux. I need a Prylosec. ... Ok what happened when this rift opened?

Well, the spirit who was called in the seance used the Green Guy as his medium. When he was dismissed to return to the spirit world, the Green Guy disappeared.

So, what happened when they tried to call the spirit back?

They couldn't. Just after the Green Guy disappeared Marge burst through the front door and she was 9 feet tall. ...

Marge?!?!? This conversation stops here. There's a whole committee dedicated just to Marge and there is no way in Hell, I mean Hades, that Marge gets dumped in my lap.

Well, we don't really have to worry about Marge. I think we just have to bring back the Green Guy and seal the rift. Besides, Marge is frozen in 2008. She was just about to fight the sea monster.

A leviathan! Clearly, that's way over my pay grade.

Please, the rift! We need to close it. Time has nearly stopped in 2008. The past could collide with the present if we don't act quickly.

Yeah sure. Dump it all on Michael. He can handle it. He defeated Satan, blah, blah, blah. ... I need a drink. ... So what happened when Marge came in?

Well, there was a fight. Karl and Miss Emily escaped through the time portal to 1868. The cute little polar bear and Truman reanimated two of the polar bear rugs, bit Marge and also escaped into the time portal. The Green Guy of course was pulled into parallel time.

And the sixth? The other spirit?

Oh yes, The Player. He poofed away.

The Player? The The Player ?? As in the personal friend of Junior Player?

He does claim to be acquainted with Jesus, yes.

I gotta run this up the flagpole.

The seance continues

I am a little angel! Two hours have passed as the ghost of the adult Maximillian A. Bear Jr. explains in detail what the the ghost of the boy Maximillian A. Bear Jr. and his friends must do to destroy Marge. However, as both Maxes feared, the convergence of their spirits has triggered some unearthly phenomena.
This is where I come in sweetie. You see, bad things are happening here. Nasty stuff. You hear that thunder? It's not thunder at all -- you see, a sixth-dimensional rift is about to open any second that could obliterate this entire timeline. And all of these folks here might just find themselves in my neck of the woods. This is freakin' awesome!
Oh, stop! In truth neither of us know what may happen exactly, but that the consequences would be dire. Ah, look. The seance is about to end and not a moment too soon.
Let's scram, toots!

********************************************

I can stay no longer. My presence here may trigger forces that are beyond our control. Good luck, my little polar bear self. And remember always: Marge must be destroyed. Oh, and the aromatic herbs were a nice touch.
I understand, gentle spirit. Return now in peace to your resting place. The seance is concluded. Truman, blow out the candles quickly and everyone break the circle. I told you he would like the herbs.
Hmmmm. I reckon the green feller already broke the circle when he disappeared. Hmmmm.
Disappeared! How? My God, what has happened to him?

I saw it myself. There was a flash of light and -- POOF! -- the Green Guy disappeared just as I blew out the candles.
Hmmmm. I reckon havin them two Maxes around here opened a sixth dimensional rift in our reality and the green feller got hisself sucked into it. Hmmmmm. I reckon he been pulled into Parallel Time.
ZZZZZZZZZzzzz. Huh! Is it over? ... Oh, hi Marge.


Greetings, all. I am home. What's for dinner? Oh, silly me. YOU ARE!

Damn! She's HUGE. POOF!

Marge! I believe I have an appointment of some sort. POOF!

Karl! Miss Emily! To the secret room! Run for your lives! Truman, come back!

Hmmmm. Stand behind me Miss Emily. I'll protect ye. I reckon I gotta kill ol' Marge. Hmmmm. She look kinda funny bein' nine foots tall.

Are you looking for this Keyser blade of yours Karl? Or should I call it a sling blade? I rather think you will look "funny" with it protruding from your a ... Good heavens! The polar bear rugs have come alive and are biting my ankles. I shall make short work of them with this blade ....
Truman, thank you for coming back. Now quickly, everyone, to the secret room!
Don't mention it, Max. It's sort of fun being a polar bear rug!

MARGE! Gurgle.


*************************************************

Is that it? WTF? Well, I like the giant Marge at least. And the sea monster.

I like the little polar bear. He's so cute!


Oh, shut up.