It's a freakin' disgrace

Dude, do you believe this whole "Christmas Carol" thing? What utter schlock.


It's a freakin' disgrace, sir. Should I prepare the battle sleigh?


The battle sleigh? I thought that was destroyed in the Battle of Spanish Armada-Lehigh.


I had a backup.


Dude, I thought you were done with all the violence. We discussed this.


Yes. Absolutely. No battle sleigh. Just kidding.


Sheesh. Do you believe he's dragging Rachel Ray into his twisted saga? I like her. She's perky.


That's a damn shame. She's been a good girl all year. All she wants for Christmas are some new sammie recipes.

What was on his list, if I may ask?

Coal. The bastard. So if I give him coal, then he gets what he wants. But I can't do that because he's been naughty. So I have to give him something else, like an iPhone or some booze.

So he's gaming the system. What a creep!

Always looking for a loophole, that one.

And on this whole blog supposedly about my holiday there's no mention about the true meaning of Christmas, like presents and stockings and Christmas trees and light displays!

Not to mention it's your birthday.

Don't remind me. ... I am so going to get that guy.

Dude, seriously?

Bwaaah!

Jeez-oh-wiz, Tebow! Suck it up!

Bwaaah! My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Dude, chill. Nobody has forsaken anybody. It's just a game!

Didn't you read my eyeblack? Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."

I saw it, dude, and I totally appreciate it. I really do. But it's just a game. ... Consider it a test of your character. Remember Job?

Bwaaaaaah!


Dude! Did I teach you to be such a wuss?


Ahem. Sir? Maybe I can be of assistance.


Go for it dude. I can't get through to the guy. But no rough stuff, OK?

No, sir. That's all behind me now. ... Listen Timmy, I know an SEC Championship and and a BCS Championship were on your Christmas list, not to mention another Heisman, but maybe there's something else I can bring you?

Bwaaaaaah! ... Well, maybe. ... Sniff. Can I whisper it in your ear? I don't want Jesus to hear.

OK

Psssst, psss. Sniff. Pssst.

Done!



Dude, seriously?

A Christmas Carol, Starring Atown-Liker?

Begins Nov. 30., ends Christmas Day. Click on Marley's link at right.

It's been too long

Dude! It's been too long. How's it going, man?

It's going well, sir, how's everything with you?

Oh, man. You don't want to know. Trust me. The freakin' Crows are out of control!

Yes, I've heard some rumblings.

Would you believe they are planning to steal a sacred Parallel artifact and bring it to non-Parallel Time, destroy the non-Parallel Vatican and try to bring about the Apocalypse?

Jesus, that's messed up! ... er, I mean, That's messed up, Jesus!

Tell me about it. ... I have a couple of guys on it.

Jack Bauer. He's good. ... Oh, speaking of Bauer, I'm sorry that one of my polar bears ate Archangel Gabriel ...

It's cool, dude. Gabriel went rogue. He brought it on himself.

I wasn't myself at the time. I couldn't do anything to stop it. That bear is usually such a good boy. ...

Don't give it another thought. ... So how are you feeling? Are you ready for the big day?

I'm good. I'm good. Little Ronan has helped me work through some of my anger issues and I'm getting my drinking under control, prettymuch. ... Little Ronan's been a godsend. ...

Literally.

... And Mrs. Claus says she might come back to me! ... Things are going good. ... So, speaking of Christmas, I don't think I've seen your list yet. ... Assuming you've been good, got anything in mind?

Well, an iPhone would be awesome. And I wouldn't mind seeing the apocalypse averted. I mean, that's my call, right? Who the heck do those Crows think they are? When the time is right, I'll lower the boom, not some stupid birds. And I went to bat for those Crows I don't know how many times. ... Dude, I'm rambling. Howabout you? Is there anything special you'd like for Christmas?

Well.... Since you asked, you know Prancer was killed by Gabriel, and, well, I'm a little light on flying reindeer. Is there any possibility you could release Rudolph from hell?

Is he still in hell??? Where is my head? He was never supposed to be there in the first place. I was just trying to sell the whole Newman story to Bauer and I guess Old Donovan took it a little too far.

So I can have Rudolph for the sleigh team?

Consider it done. I'll put an extraction team together right away.

Thank you, Jesus! Are you planning to catch the A Christmas Carol blog?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it. I'd love to bust that Atown-Liker's ass one of these days.