ALLENTOWN IS NICE

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

70 virgins

Santa! What a surprise. Welcome!

Hey Jesus! I was just in the neighborhood ...

I always have time for Santa Claus. Can I get you anything?

Maybe a little vodka?

I thought we weren't drinking.

OK, wine then.

So what's new?

Same old, same old. ... So how's the Marge thing going?

Bad as ever. ... Demons. What the hell -- am I right?

Totally. You're always right -- you're freakin' Jesus.

Damn straight.

What about those guys you put on it?

Morons. They created an alternate timeline. Now there's two Marges.

I heard. What a mess. ... You know, if you want, I could ... take them out.

Wow. That's really sweet, dude. But we are working on your anger issues. Remember?

I know, I know. ... Just sayin'. ... So, um, howabout that Rapture?

Talk about screw ups! Charlie foxtrot from the get-go.

Did you reschedule?

I don't know. ... Maybe in about five months. Who knows?

Hmm. That's kind of my busy season.

Yeah, it is isn't it? .... Don't worry about it, dude. The Rapture is officially on the back burner until this Marge fiasco gets settled.

Sir?

What is it, Bubbles?

There's a man at the gate inquiring about 70 virgins.

Virgins? Tell him he came to the wrong gate.

Excuse me?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Parallel Time: We come in though the toilet

Didn't mean to wake you fellers up.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Parallel Time: No skin off my butt.

No skin off my butt.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Parallel Time: You don't see me throwing my title around

Is it possible I have fallen into the lair of the Great White Crow?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Parallel Time: We Appear to be Surrounded

Them fellers is in they pajamas.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Don't be a decaying troll on St. Patrick's Day. Be a warlock! Thanks to my tiger blood I can drink Guinness all day and all night without getting drunk. Defeat is not an option. This is my violent torpedo of truth. Winning 24/7!

If you don't have tiger blood, please drink responsibly.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Parallel Time: Tiger blood

Rock star!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Parallel Time: I don't reckon we's in Allentown

Toilet travel takes some gettin used to.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Parallel Time: She came in through the bathroom window

An incursion occurs at the Parallel Vatican.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Parallel Time: Bow before me

I am your Lord. Bow before me.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Parallel Time: Crevasse?

Crevasse?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Parallel Time: Oh, Cruel Fortuna

What will be my fate?

Monday, January 31, 2011

Parallel Time: About Damn Time

I have been asked to pause momentarily in my destruction of Allentown to convey the following message: There is new post on Parallel Time. In fact, there shall be no more posts on Allentown Is Nice until certain issues vis-à-vis the Crows have been resolved. Until then, future posts will be found on Parallel Time. Rest assured, I shall continue to destroy Allentown in the interim. Thank you for your indulgence. ... Oh! Is that a LANTA bus? I though I had eaten them all. ... Please excuse me, if you would. Good day.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

On the 12th day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Twelve drummers drumming,

Eleven pipers piping,

Ten Lords a leaping,

Nine ladies dancing,

Eight maids a milking,

Seven Swansons swimming,

Six geese a laying,

Five golden rings,

Four collie birds,

Three French hens,

Two turtle doves

and a partridge in a pear tree!

Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.