ALLENTOWN IS NICE

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Is Scrapple getting bigger?

I am afraid this uniform is completely unacceptable. I am going to change back into the old one.

According to Bramwell's note, we must follow protocol at all times. If you change uniforms, we all have to change uniforms. ... And we like our uniforms.

Do what you wish, but I am changing.

Mmmm. Looks like there's some more uniforms in ol' Bramwell's sack we could try.

Is it my imagination or is that dinosaur getting bigger?

That dinosaur has a name. It's Scrapple.

Excuse me. Is it my imagination or is Scrapple getting bigger?

He gettin purty big, I reckon. Mmm.

Well, what do you think of this uniform?

I think I'd like a gin and tonic and a bag of nuts.

Hmmm.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

We are weak and stupid

You may stop pecking me now. They are gone.

Yes, Master Bramwell.

Do you think they believed our little theatre?

Yes, Master Bramwell. You are wise.

You are wise and powerful, oh master.

I must say, some of you were pecking me somewhat more vigorously than I would have preferred.

Forgive us Master Bramwell!

You are wise and powerful. We are weak and stupid.

Our brains are tiny despite our immense size, Master Bramwell.

Good Lord! My left eye is actually missing! Which one of you crows pecked out my eye?

Caw! I do not know, Master Bramwell.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I miss my codpiece

I reckon these new uniforms aint so bad.

Mine seems a bit snug.

I miss my codpiece.

I have some reservations about my uniform. I'm not at all sure what Mr. Bramwell was thinking.

Oh, I know what he was thinking ...

Hmm. That dinosaur's gettin purty big.

Friday, June 4, 2010

We could all do with a little less tango

Karl, what is happening outside of the elevator?

Them crows is peckin on ol' Bramwell purty good. Hmm mm.

I am running out of time. ... You must escape quickly! Truman, bounce your balls as you've never bounced them before!

Roger alpha tango!!

We could all do with a little less tango, Truman.

We's a movin'. Hmm.

And rather swiftly at that. Oh, I don't have a good feeling about this.

When have you ever had a good feeling about anything, toad? You should be ashamed of your cowardice in light of the supreme sacrifice Mr. Bramwell has made for our sake.

Hmmm. Too late. He a'fainted again. Mmm.

We do seem to be travelling rather swiftly this time. Perhaps, Truman, you could bounce your balls a little less furiously.

Hmm. You oughtter throttle back on them little fellers.

Hrmf!

Hey Marge. There's a note addressed to ya in ol' Bramwell's bag. Hmm.

Don't call me Marge! ... "Open in the event of my demise, Bramwell B. Bramwell, Esq." ... Oh my! Bramwell says we must follow interdimensional protocol if we are to be successful in our quest. Here is a list of rules.

What do we have to do?

Ah, you are awake. ... Well, first we must change our uniforms to the ones provided in this bag.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Farewell, Mr. Bramwell

What is that awful noise?

I believe we are hearing the clatter of large beaks pecking against the elevator doors.

The I Ching paddles won't work!

The paddles will not function until we open the doors.

Open the doors? ... Send the dinosaur out there!

I am afraid that our dinosaur friend can't help us with these really big crows.

Mr. Bramwell?

We all know what the crows want, Mrs. Egram.

Or who they want, rather.

Mr. Bramwell!

I am afraid it must be, Mrs. Egram. ... You saved me from the crows and now it is time to repay that debt. ... Truman, you must bounce your I Ching balls furiously the moment I step out of the elevator. And Mr. Green Person ...

He done fainted agin. Mmm.

All right. Karl, you must close these doors the moment I disembark.

Mr. Bramwell ... Will we ever see you again?

Unlikely, my dear Mrs. Egram.

Them crows gonna peck him all over. Hmmm. I reckon this is a little bit ironic. Mmm.

I assure you I will not go gently into that good night. I will fight them off until you are able to escape. Godspeed, my dear Mrs. Egram. ... Save Allentown!

Farewell, Mr. Bramwell. Boo hoo.

Truman, start bouncing your balls!

Oh, they're bouncing. Furiously.

Meanwhile ...

... A group of Allentonians has traveled into the past in an attempt to kill the demon Marge before she comes to Allentown and destroys the city. However, they have repeatedly failed in those attempts. They have bungled them so badly, in fact, that they have created an Alternate Timeline in which Marge lives quietly in her chalet in Turkey and calls herself Mrs. Egram, in which she never eats her brother Ronan and in which she becomes a significantly less evil demon than the one that is destroying Allentown in the present. The time travelers -- demon hunter extraordinaire Maximillian A. Bear, his son Max Jr. (formerly the polar bear cub spirit Max), Karl, the Green Guy and Truman (the ghost who was transformed into a flying polar bear rug when he escaped from Marge via the Secret Room time portal) -- find themselves trapped in Alternate Time, having run afoul of the Crows (principally through eating several of them) who previously had assisted in their journeys through time. The time travelers have joined with Mrs. Egram in an attempt to travel to non-Alternate Allentown to stop Marge in the present time, where St. Michael the Archangel struggles with steroid detoxification as he continues to be locked in mortal combat with Marge in the streets of downtown Allentown, which has largely been transformed into a smoldering ruin. Meanwhile still-unemployed super agent Jack Bauer and a small band of followers have traveled to Parallel time to battle a new enemy to heaven itself -- the deceased actor Paul Newman, or so they believe. Newman took control of Parallel heaven and initiated the celestial lockdown protocols, blocking travel to and from Parallel Time. However one portal remains open -- that guarded by the mysterious Old Donovan in a forgotten comfort station deep beneath downtown Allentown. It was believed that Newman seized Parallel Heaven after drugging Jesus with tainted tortilla chips; however, a new story seems to be emerging. The Bauer party, however, has been separated, with Bauer traveling to the Parallel Antarctic Vatican; Atown-Liker ending up in the TV Chef Network Studios, where he is reunited with the Countess of Monaco, who has be retransformed from a sea monster back into a woman who sort of looks like a sea monster; and the Player washing up at Parallel Atown Liker's headquarters. Also, Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have been banished to hell for not answering Old Donovan's questions correctly and Bubbles, the little angel, was banished to the Macungies. Their fates will be determined at some point in a flashback. Meanwhile, Bauer has learned that Newman is not his target. The enemy of heaven is actually the Crows, who are attempting to bring about the Apocalypse through the use of an ancient holy artifact being guarded at the South Pole by Parallel Pope Boneyface. Meanwhile, while in Parallel Time, non-Parallel Atown-Liker was nosing around Parallel Atown-Liker's headquarters where he either had a massive hallucination or was transported to Dickensian London via a Secret Armoire. Meanwhile, the Irish warrior Cuchulainn remains dead after being mortally wounded by Trexler; and the Spanish Armada, led by turncoat Archangel Gabriel, remains quiet after being defeated by an underwater assault by Trexler and the frightening firepower of Santa's Battle Sleigh 1. With the help of Little Ronan (a.k.a. Parallel Time-Alternate Timeline Purgatory Ronan) and [[[Spoiler Alert!]]] Rudolph, Santa recovered sufficiently enough from depression, substance abuse and the death of Prancer to deliver the goods on Christmas. Meanwhile, the fate of Ponzi remains unclear. Previously Newman sent his small dog into Parallel Time to ingratiate himself with President Madoff and to steal Madoff's investment fund. Ponzi was forced into hiding after angering Kevin Bacon, the Muppet Bert and some TV chefs who have vowed to cook and eat him.