Humuhumunukunukuapuaa burnin' love

In an abandoned comfort station buried deep beneath the burning ruins of Renaissance Square, a group of brave travelers confronts Old Donovan, the protector of the last remaining conduit to Parallel Time. Rudolph and Gen. Trexler have failed the test and paid with their eternal souls. The Little Angel has been banished to The Macungies. Atown-Liker must spell humuhumunukunukuapuaa or face the consequences.

You want to buy a vowel?

Yes, a vowel please.

Fine. You shall have your vowel, but at a cost: Your eternal soul. You will have only one question.

Sweet! I'll take a U.

Very well. Your soul is mine.

Um, about that. There's some ongoing litigation involved. ... But you can have whatever's left.

Here is your word: -u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u--u--. Spell it now!

Hmmm. I'd like to buy an H

You cannot buy an H. An H is not even a vowel!

Oh yeah? Then how come you say something is an honor instead of a honor? Why do you call someone an heir or an heiress and not a heiress. The article an goes before a vowel!

You are doomed, and a fool as well. H is a consonant. In this case it's silent so the an to which you refer applies to the second letter in the word: O

Oh.

But you may have your H. You'll never spell the word anyway. Here is your word: hu-uhu-u-u-u-u-u--u--.

I'd like a lifeline, please.

A lifeline? There are no lifelines!

I'd like to poll the audience.

Poll ...? Fine, whatever. Audience?

I don't know and I don't care, bonehead. That freak dumped some smelly old beans on me!

Humuhumunukunukuapuaa. It's spelled h-u-m-u-h-u-m-u-n-u-k-u-n-u-k-u-a-p-u-a-a. It's a fish. It can be used as a weapon.

What, are you on drugs? ... I'd like to solve the puzzle.

Puzzle?

What is hunka hunka burnin love?

I don't understand you. He was right. He spelled it right!

Final answer!

Fine. You are the weakest link. Off to hell with you, though I'm not sure I even want you in my hell.

Hold on there, Old Donovan!

Now what?

I believe this man just asked you a question. And I didn't hear any answer. According to the Troll Bridge Commission bylaws, if he asks you a question, you have to answer it. Otherwise, he gets to go to Parallel Time.

Yeah! What he said!

Question? I answered his question. The H is silent.

What is hunka hunka burnin love?

I have no idea.

Then it looks like the wrong person may be going to hell. Let me recite for you Chapter 6, Section 4, Paragraph 3 of the bylaws of the Troll Bridge Commission, from memory: "Herein be it resolved that the aforementioned Bridge Troll, henceforth to be known as the party of the second part ..."

Stop! Stop or you all go to hell right now!

What's it gonna be Donovan?

Damn you all! ... All right. This one may pass to Parallel Time. The party of the first part shall wait for me in the second stall. ... These two still have more questions to answer.

I'd like Door No. 1, please.

Incomprehensible, outlandish and, dare I say, boring

Incomprehensible, outlandish and, dare I say, boring.

The events I have related are quite true, Marge.

Henceforth you shall address me as Mrs. Engram! I do not know any of you ... people.

But, surely you remember me. You banished me from my home and had me hunted in the woods like an animal. You used to call me "toad."

I certainly see the resemblance, sir, but I assure you we have never met. And I wish the pleasure had been indefinitely postponed.

Oh, a Dickens reference. Touche!

Apparently you have some breeding ... be it amphibian or otherwise.

See here M-M-Mrs. Engram. The fact remains that an alternate timeline has been created and it must be mended if we are to return to our own times.

So I am to believe that you three people traveled through time and attempted to murder me in Japan one hundred and forty-five years ago? I am further to believe that you failed in your task, creating an alternate timeline in the process, then traveled through time again for no other reason but to bore me with the details of your misadventures?

Actually, after we failed to kill you in Japan -- twice actually, with my father's unsuccessful attempt being the first --- we traveled through time to kill you again here outside of your chalet by means of a directed rockslide. Only to have failed again, or so said the crows. So we traveled through time again to this point in history to again to try to kill you.

How considerate ... and if this story continues much further I fear you may succeed.

But, you see, we could not kill you this time because you are no longer you. You were not where you should have been at the appointed time. You are not the demon Marge, you are simply a somewhat disagreeable demonic persona with an unuually long lifespan.

How kind of you to notice, young man. And you were the polar bear cub you say I detested?

Yes, ma'am.

No small wonder. ... At any rate, this circus act of yours has ceased to amuse me me and I am no longer in the mood to humor you. You must leave my chalet at once or I shall have my menservants, who I assure you are very much alive, show you the way out.

Perhaps, then, Mrs. Engram, there is someone you will believe. ... Karl, Truman ... please come in.

Malik! Mr. Abbas! Come here at once!

Hmmm. I reckon them two Turkish fellers ain't a-comin, Marge. Mmmm.

Karl here accidentally buried them under a pile of rocks, I'm afraid.

You! You were present when my dear brother Ronan disappeared amid that rock slide in Japan when I was just a girl!

I reckon that was quite a whiles back. Mm hmmm. I had some french fried potaters that day. Hmmmm.

One hundred and forty five years ago, to be exact.

You murdered my brother!

More like we kept you from eating the little bastard. At any rate, little Ronan isn't dead. He was taken away to Limbo by Saint Michael and, according to the crows -- burp! -- he's at the North Pole in 2009 babysitting Santa Claus, alive as you or me.

Mmm hmm. He alive and with Santy Claus. Mmm. Them menservant fellers a yours, they's dead, tho. Mmmm.

If my litter has been damaged in any way, you shall pay dearly. ... What do you want from me?

Do you know a fellow named Old Donovan?