ALLENTOWN IS NICE

Parallel Time: Just do it

2011-12-15T13:27:00.002-05:00

Boss? ... Afraid I've got some bad news.

Is there any other kind?

Parallel Time: I have a proposition

2011-11-28T11:17:00.002-05:00

I have a proposition.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T19:14:00.003-05:00

Parallel Time: "Sympathy for the Devil," dude

2011-11-17T13:46:00.002-05:00

I have some good news and some somewhat unfortunate news.

Well, it's complicated

2011-10-27T14:19:00.000-04:00

I'm not dead?

No. You see ... Karl and some of his friends created that rock slide in order to kill your sister.

Why would anyone want to kill Marge?

Well, it's complicated. ... Um you see, back in 1865 when you were playing with Marge in Japan, there was a rock slide. Except that in this rock slide you and Marge were both trapped in the cave.

Oh my! Poor Marge.

Um, yes. Poor Marge. ... But what happened was, Marge decided that the only way to survive being trapped in the cave was through cannibalism.

Cannibalism?

Yes. She ate you.

But ... but ... she had to eat me to survive. I had died and she was starving and she had no choice!

Actually, you were fine. She ate you alive. And you were only in the cave for about 20 minutes before rescuers arrived.

.But ... but ... that's not what happened at all. There was an angel ... and Karl.

Well, here's what happened. Marge lived a long time after that rock slide and she moved to Allentown and ate a lot of people and destroyed the city.

Impossible!

Some people from Allentown traveled back in time and tried to kill Marge before she ate you. One of them was Karl.

That was nice.

But it didn't work. They tried three times. On the first try, you and Karl got trapped instead of you and Marge.

So why did Karl try to eat me?

He gets confused. ... So anyway, St. Michael the Archangel intervened and he took you to Limbo.

Why did he take me to Limbo if I wasn't dead?

There's no daycare in heaven. He didn't know what else to do with you.

So Marge survived to destroy Allentown?

Yes. ... And no. OK, this gets a little complicated too. Marge did live and Marge did destroy Allentown. But the initial attempt by Karl and his friends to kill Marge was botched so badly that they created an alternate timeline that veered away from the original timeline at the time of the rock slide.

O.K. ... What happened the other two times they tried to kill Marge?

They traveled to her chalet in Turkey a little further ahead in time, but their rock slide missed its mark. They traveled back in time again to repeat the second attempt, but failed. They came to the realization that they could not kill Marge because Marge was no longer Marge. She was now known as Mrs. Egram.

She changed her name?

No. She was another person. You see the initial attempt to kill Marge in Japan in 1868 was so catastrophically screwed up that a new reality was created. The Marge who ate you and the Marge who did not eat you have led completely different lives in different time lines since the moment Karl and his friends caused that rock slide.

So the Marge -- or Mrs. Egram -- that didn't eat me did not become evil? And she is alive in an alternate timeline?

Well, she's still evil, of course. She's just not as evil. And she's actually here in this timeline now.

Can I see her?

Not at the moment. She's in Parallel Time at the South Pole.

Why was it that Marge became evil after eating me?

Also complicated.

First off, you're not even dead

2011-10-26T13:36:00.001-04:00

Baby Ronan?

Yes Santa?

It's time we talked. ... Do you remember how it was you came to live at the North Pole?

Well, I was playing with my sister Marge when suddenly there was this big rock slide.

And you were trapped in a cave.

Yes. And and a strange man was there in the cave and he said he reckoned he was going to have to eat me.

Karl.

Yes. Then St. Michael the Archangel appeared and told Karl he was not going to eat me and that he and his friends had screwed everything up.

And then what happened?

Well, I guess I died. ... The Angel took me to Limbo, where I did some time. ... Then after a while because of good behavior, I was sent to Purgatory, where I met Mr. Player, who had been sent there by Jesus for being jealous of Mr. Newman.

And when Jesus sent the Player to the North Pole after Marge was attacked by the Spanish Armada, the Player talked Jesus into letting you come here to to help Santa.

Yes. Jesus said that you had gone "completely apeshit," in his words, with your battle sleigh and that he wanted me to help you get off the bottle, which I guess didn't work out so good.

Hey! I've got it under control.

... And after Agent Bauer tortured the bad archangel Gabriel and Gabriel was eaten by a polar bear, Mr. Player, Agent Bauer, Rudolph, Bubbles and the Trexler statue went back to Allentown to travel into Parallel Time. ... And now I live here with you and Rudolph and all of the elves.

Well, that's what we told you anyway. But it's time you learned the real story, son. ... First off, you're not even dead.

Parallel Time: Bollocks!

2011-10-21T12:08:00.002-04:00

Bollocks!

Continued in Parallel Time ...

Parallel Time: Lord Newman has gone rogue

2011-10-20T10:17:00.002-04:00

Thank you for calling The Pew Works. Green Devil speaking.

Continued in Parallel Time.

Parallel Time: Updated sidebar

2011-09-29T14:14:00.004-04:00

Karl, it's for you. They say the sidebar has finally been updated on Parallel Time. Holy too little too late!

Parallel Time: So you're definitely not a crow?

2011-09-27T12:17:00.003-04:00

So you're definitely not a crow?

This post continued in Parallel Time.

Parallel Time: Who's Bramwell?

2011-09-21T12:52:00.003-04:00

Who's Bramwell? He sounds fun.

Parallel Time: A necesary sacrifice

2011-09-12T11:50:00.001-04:00

Voila! This is where I lost the transpolar destabilizer.

Parallel Time: Are you going to eat me?

2011-09-06T12:34:00.002-04:00

Are you going to eat me?

Parallel Time: Has anyone seen Ponzi?

2011-09-02T13:18:00.001-04:00

Tell us your plan to destroy Marge.

Parallel Time: Damn, dude!

2011-08-31T15:44:00.001-04:00

Marge! Damn, run away!

Parallel Time: I have a wide stance

2011-08-22T16:17:00.002-04:00

It's just that I have a wide stance.

Parallel Time: I will not be referred to as a byproduct

2011-08-01T16:08:00.004-04:00

I will not be referred to as a byproduct.

Parallel Time: We must free the Great White Crow

2011-06-29T13:00:00.002-04:00

We must free the Great White Crow.

Sleeps with the fishes

2011-06-13T11:14:00.006-04:00

Oh. You're back. What happened to "the package"?

Delivered.

Do I want to know the details?

You do not. ... Let's just say the package sleeps with the fishes and leave it at that.

Are you my virgins?

I just wish he would pull up his zipper

2011-06-07T14:36:00.002-04:00

I am deeply ashamed of my terrible actions. I came here to accept the full responsibility for what I've done.

I think he's telling the truth. What do you think, Arnold?

These things happen sometimes, Dominique. Too much is made of it. I blame the media.

Yes, the media! The media are pigs. They blow everything out of proportion.

The media should be terminated. Rep. Weiner seems very sincere to me. He's taking responsibility. I think he should be rewarded for his courage.

I was thinking the same thing. He deserves a medal! He was just having a little fun. ... Hey, say "I'll be back."
I'll be baaack.

I love that! Let's send Rep. Weiner a text offering our support. Say something like "Hang in there, buddy. You'll be baaaack."

That's a good idea. His apology was very impressive. ... I just wish he would pull up his zipper.

This is where you get off

2011-06-06T15:42:00.000-04:00

It's very kind of you to offer me a ride to my heaven, Santa.

Any time, friend. It's hectic up here. Things get mixed up all the time.

I guess they weren't expecting me.

No, I'm sure they weren't. But I called over there myself and straightened everything out. They're rounding up your virgins as we speak.

Excellent. I can hardly wait. Are we almost there?

We're very close.

That looks like the ocean down there.

Doesn't it though?

Are you sure we're going the right way?

Absolutely. In fact, this is where you get off, asshole.

So far, I don't care much for heaven.

That's why you have me

2011-06-01T12:43:00.006-04:00

Bubbles, please tell the gentleman that he has come to the wrong gate. The heaven he is looking for is down the road a ways.

Tell him to turn left at Cloud 9.

Cloud 9. Good one.

Sir? He says he was already there and they turned him away.

Turned away? Hmm. Then he probably doesn't belong up here at all. Tell him to stay put and we'll look into it. Where is St. Peter?

He's in Allentown with St. Michael.

Marge again. ... Did you get this guy's name?

Yes. ... A Mr. Bin Laden.

Son of a bitch!

No way! Just tell him to go away. He's definitely come to the wrong place.

How did that bastard even get to the pearly gates?

Burial at sea. Screws everything up.

We have to kill him.

He's already dead.

So what? We kill him again.

I don't kill people, Santa -- dead or otherwise -- no matter how evil they are. Remember the 6th Commandment?

That's why you have me.

70 virgins

2011-05-25T10:49:00.000-04:00

Santa! What a surprise. Welcome!

Hey Jesus! I was just in the neighborhood ...

I always have time for Santa Claus. Can I get you anything?

Maybe a little vodka?

I thought we weren't drinking.

OK, wine then.

So what's new?

Same old, same old. ... So how's the Marge thing going?

Bad as ever. ... Demons. What the hell -- am I right?

Totally. You're always right -- you're freakin' Jesus.

Damn straight.

What about those guys you put on it?

Morons. They created an alternate timeline. Now there's two Marges.

I heard. What a mess. ... You know, if you want, I could ... take them out.

Wow. That's really sweet, dude. But we are working on your anger issues. Remember?

I know, I know. ... Just sayin'. ... So, um, howabout that Rapture?

Talk about screw ups! Charlie foxtrot from the get-go.

Did you reschedule?

I don't know. ... Maybe in about five months. Who knows?

Hmm. That's kind of my busy season.

Yeah, it is isn't it? .... Don't worry about it, dude. The Rapture is officially on the back burner until this Marge fiasco gets settled.

Sir?

What is it, Bubbles?

There's a man at the gate inquiring about 70 virgins.

Virgins? Tell him he came to the wrong gate.

Excuse me?

Parallel Time: We come in though the toilet

2011-05-11T11:05:00.002-04:00

Didn't mean to wake you fellers up.

Parallel Time: No skin off my butt.

2011-04-21T16:40:00.001-04:00

No skin off my butt.

Parallel Time: You don't see me throwing my title around

2011-04-08T10:24:00.005-04:00

Is it possible I have fallen into the lair of the Great White Crow?

Parallel Time: We Appear to be Surrounded

2011-03-29T11:06:00.003-04:00

Them fellers is in they pajamas.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T06:45:00.000-04:00

Don't be a decaying troll on St. Patrick's Day. Be a warlock! Thanks to my tiger blood I can drink Guinness all day and all night without getting drunk. Defeat is not an option. This is my violent torpedo of truth. Winning 24/7!

If you don't have tiger blood, please drink responsibly.

Parallel Time: Tiger blood

2011-03-10T15:17:00.002-05:00

Rock star!

Parallel Time: I don't reckon we's in Allentown

2011-03-07T12:42:00.003-05:00

Toilet travel takes some gettin used to.

Parallel Time: She came in through the bathroom window

2011-03-04T13:08:00.003-05:00

An incursion occurs at the Parallel Vatican.

Parallel Time: Bow before me

2011-02-25T15:20:00.003-05:00

I am your Lord. Bow before me.

Parallel Time: Crevasse?

2011-02-24T16:48:00.002-05:00

Crevasse?

Parallel Time: Oh, Cruel Fortuna

2011-02-09T12:52:00.001-05:00

What will be my fate?

Parallel Time: About Damn Time

2011-01-31T12:20:00.001-05:00

I have been asked to pause momentarily in my destruction of Allentown to convey the following message: There is new post on Parallel Time. In fact, there shall be no more posts on Allentown Is Nice until certain issues vis-à-vis the Crows have been resolved. Until then, future posts will be found on Parallel Time. Rest assured, I shall continue to destroy Allentown in the interim. Thank you for your indulgence. ... Oh! Is that a LANTA bus? I though I had eaten them all. ... Please excuse me, if you would. Good day.

On the 12th day of Christmas

2011-01-05T09:23:00.016-05:00

My true love gave to me

Twelve drummers drumming,

Eleven pipers piping,

Ten Lords a leaping,

Nine ladies dancing,

Eight maids a milking,

Seven Swansons swimming,

Six geese a laying,

Five golden rings,

Four collie birds,

Three French hens,

Two turtle doves

and a partridge in a pear tree!

It's not a turtle, it's a dove

2010-12-13T15:44:00.000-05:00

What the hell is this?

The list said two turtledoves.

These aren't doves. They're goddam turtles. ... Mutilated turtles with pigeon heads. What did you do?

They're "turtledoves," just like the list says. A cross between a turtle and a dove.

No, no, no! A turtledove is a dove. It's not a turtle. It's a freakin dove! This is sick.

Look, you want I should make this into a dove, it'll be on OT. Just remember that. And you owe me a break.

Freakin' elf union. ... I'll never get done by Christmas.

It ain't my fault I wasn't properly trained.

Dude, I don't want to be here when he sees the three French hens.

Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw!

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T13:56:00.001-04:00

Does this costume make me look fat?

Biebermania grips Valley

2010-09-02T11:32:00.006-04:00

Here we are at the Lehigh Valley's largest newspaper. The final battle between good and evil is about to occur right across the street, but there's been no mention of it in the paper or the website. ... Excuse me, Mack. Who do I complain to about press coverage?

That'd be me. I'm the editor in charge of not covering things.

Well, explain this to me. The city all around you lies in ruins and the final battle between good and evil is about to occur right under your nose. And I'll give you a scoop right now. Evil's gonna win. ... You'd think the local media would be interested in covering what is likely to be the beginning of a reign of unspeakable evil over mankind, leading to the certain destruction of the world. Why no coverage?

The problem is, you don't understand what we do here. Nobody does. This newspaper is a tool. You're supposed to use it for life.

Tool is right. ... Your readers deserve to know about what's happening in their city.

Listen. Our readers are like sheep. We are their shepherd. They don't care about good and evil. Those are concepts. We don't deal in concepts. We deal in stuff. Our readers want to know about stuff. Fun stuff.

Like Justin Bieber?

Exactly. The entire Lehigh Valley is gripped in Biebermania. Our readers want Justin Bieber and, by jove, we're gonna give them Justin Bieber. If that kid so much as farts, we're going to be right on top of it.

Unacceptable. I want to talk to your supervisor.

Go right ahead. ... Dave! I got a guy here wants to complain about our coverage of the final battle between good and evil.

Don't bother me now! ... The satellite images are in. Justin may have a pimple! ... Get the chopper in the air!

Aye aye, Captain!

Parallel Time: Arf!

2010-08-24T12:59:00.003-04:00

What the hell are we doin out in the woods?

Step away from the device

2010-08-02T11:03:00.000-04:00

You hold it right there, fancy boy. What the hell did you do to my bear?

I meant no harm to your bear, dear sir. He had walked off with one of my instruments and I was merely attempting to retrieve it.

You killed him!

I assure you, sir, the bear is not dead. I simply applied a sleeper hold on him. Shortly, he will be frolicking about as if nothing happened.

He better be. ... What the hell is that thing anyway?

This? ... Why it is nothing more than a simple hot dog roll divider.

You're a damn liar! I know a polar destabilization device when I see one.

I assure you sir, I know nothing of this ....

Save it, bug-eye. ... Wait a cotton pickin' minute. ... You aren't on my list. ... You don't belong in this realm do you?

Well, you seem to have the advantage, sir. If you must know, I am an interdimensional tourist and I seem to have lost my way. Perhaps you could assist me ...

Bullshit! You're a damn interdimensional trespasser. Now step away from the device.

Yawn.

You see sir. It's just as I said. The bear is fine. ... And now I'd like to take my leave.

You ain't goin' nowhere, boy. ... Now step away from that device or I'll blast you right off this shish kebob.

You know about the shish kebobs?

I'm freakin' Santa, goddam it! Of course I know about the shish kebobs. Now step away from that device. ... Slowly.

Sir, this is just a grave misunderstanding.

The only thing grave around here ... what's that noise? ... What the hell?

I believe that's my ride. I bid you adieu.

POOF!

Son of a bitch!

Parallel Time: All part of God's plan

2010-07-19T11:48:00.002-04:00

Hell, no! I'm not goin' anywhere with goddam Newman.

Normally I'd have eaten you by now

2010-07-14T09:43:00.000-04:00

If you don't apologize, you shall suffer the wrath of the Really Big Crows! Caw!

You're the only crow I see around here and you aren't all that big.

Caw! You threaten Lord Bramwell's No. 1 hench-crow?

Normally I'd have eaten you by now, but since I've been in this transphasic bubble I have no need for sustenance.

Caw! How dare you! You shall be punished for your impudence!

I ate a crow once, you know. On the elevator. His name was Gorgon.

Gorgon was my father! Caw! You shall pay with your life!

Shut up, birdbrain. I hear something rumbling.

The bubble is shaking!

I think it's about to pop!

-POP!-

Parallel Time: Pull the bloody lever!

2010-07-13T09:04:00.001-04:00

Pull the bloody lever!

I never liked Bramwell

2010-07-12T10:26:00.007-04:00

Hey! What the goddam hell did you bastards do to my bear???

Is Santa Claus ... shooting at us?

He's hit the destabilizer! Caw!

-POOF!-

My hench-crow has vanished!

...

Who are you?

Caw! Where am I?

You're in a transphasic bubble trapped somewhere between time and space.

Caw! Lousy made-in-China polar destabilizer!

Aren't you one of the Really Big Crows that killed Bramwell?

Caw! You're from the elevator! ... Oh, no! Lord Bramwell is our leader. We only pretended to kill him.

What happened to my friends on the elevator?

They're probably dead. Lord Bramwell said they were of no importance.

I never liked Bramwell.

Caw! It is forbidden to speak ill of Lord Bramwell! You must apologize!

And if I don't?

I thought he was a myth

2010-07-09T11:41:00.000-04:00

North Pole, Realm of the Really Big Crows

We must set to work quickly. The transpolar destabilizer does not function well in extreme cold.

Caw! You would think transpolar destabilizers would be made to work in polar conditions.

Alas, made in China. The transphasic vibration coils are made of lead, which reacts poorly to extreme cold.

Freakin' China! ... Caw! I don't like the looks of that polar bear, Lord Bramwell. I think he's stalking us.

There's always a polar bear. ... Ignore it. We are of no interest to him. ... According to my calculations, if we activate the transpolar destabilizer at this spot, we shall emerge at the South Pole of Parallel Time very near the transphasic bubble that confines the Great White Crow in the polar ice.

How will we free him?

We shall, of course, adjust the polarity on the destabilizer until we find a time wave frequency that will evaporate the bubble from within.

Of course, Lord Bramwell. You are wise. ... Caw! The polar bear! ... He's taken the destabilizer!

I shall subdue the bear and retrieve the destabilizer. You start the generator.

Yes, Lord Bramwell.

There, now. The bear will awaken none the worse for the wear with nothing more than a slight headache. ... Begin the polar destabilzation sequence.

You are kind and merciful, Lord Bramwell.

Now shut up. The destabilizer is armed! The polar destabilization sequence has begun! Prepare yourself!

Caw!

Hey! What the goddam hell did you bastards do to my bear???

Caw! Santa Claus! I thought he was a myth.

Is he ... shooting at us?

He's hit the destabilizer! Caw!

Parallel Time: Damn, your show sucks

2010-07-07T11:02:00.000-04:00

To suscribe to TV Chef Network, please call customer service, or click here.

Like a shish kebob

2010-07-06T12:41:00.000-04:00

But I do not understand why we are going to the North Pole, Lord Bramwell.

Try to get this through your tiny brain. There is a magnetic axis that runs through the center of each of the thousands of realms that make up Existence.

Like a shish kebob?

Yes! A shish kebob! Exactly. And there are thousands of these vertical shish kebobs that make up the known and unknown universes.

Caw?

And the skewers holding these shish kebobs together, as it were, bisect each of these realms at its polar axis.

I like shish kebobs. I'm hungry. Caw.

Concentrate. As it happens, on this shish kebob, the realm of the really Big Crows is situated directly beneath Parallel Time.

So we are on a piece of chicken and we want to travel to the piece of lamb above us?

Precisely! However, we are blocked by a slice of green pepper and a shard of onion.

So we shall eat our way through!

No. I shall use this transpolar destabilizer to open a hole in the pepper and onion so that we may climb onto the the piece of lamb above us.

Why do we want to climb onto a piece of lamb?

No! Not lamb! It is Parallel Time! We shall climb from the North Pole of the Realm of the Really Big Crows onto the South Pole of Parallel Time! That is where we shall find the Great White Crow!

Caw! I think today's post on Parallel Time makes much more sense.

It looks good! Really.

2010-06-30T09:58:00.010-04:00

Lord Bramwell?

Enter.

We have recovered your eye.

Bring it to me.

It looks good! Really.

It is of no importance. ... Now bring me the transpolar destabilizer and my snow suit.

Caw! The Great White Crow is nearly within our grasp.

And there's a new post on Parallel Time! Caw.

Oops

2010-06-29T13:37:00.002-04:00

That's tomorrow's post over there in the thumbnail, but there's a new one today at Parallel Time.

Sorry about the Phillies, dudes

2010-06-23T08:40:00.000-04:00

Hola, dudes! I'm in a meeting, so I'll make this quick.

You're wondering if the dudes on the elevator are dead -- am I right? Well, it sure doesn't look good does it? If you really want to know, check out Parallel Time.

What did Karl say? ... Interphasic toast, I reckon. Hmmm. ... Man, I never get tired of doing Karl. Hmmm. It aint got no gas in it. Mmm. ... Flowers is purty. Mmm. ... I like them french fried potaters. Mmm. Ha!

Hey, lookit. I also do Jayson Werth. Ha! ... Oh yeah. Sorry about the Phillies, dudes, but I did heal Rollins' leg, right? ... Later!

I reckon we's done for

2010-06-22T08:15:00.000-04:00

It feels as if the elevator is being torn apart!

Oh dear. ... I'm too scared to faint!

I reckon we's done for. Mmm.

The protocols! Maybe if we all change ino the new uniforms ...

It's worth a try. Hurry!

Karl, if you had to live your life over again, would you do anything differently?

I'd probably get me some more of them french fried potaters. Hmm.

I think I would have finished "Answered Prayers" while I still had the chops ...

-POOF!-

... Oh! Now the I Ching paddles and are gone ... and the balls! We are completely out of control.

This is the end!

Scrapple, we're coming to join you!

I hate Marge

2010-06-17T14:23:00.001-04:00

So, one minute I'm a baby dinosaur playing with Jesus in the Garden of Eden, then, suddenly, I'm whisked away on an elevator travelling though time and space. So, I finally get used to that and I start growing up and I make some pretty good friends on the elevator, like Mrs. Egram, Truman and Karl. Even the Green Guy was OK, though he was sort of a wuss. And there was Bramwell, of course. I never really liked him. ... So, anyway, what happens? Suddenly, I'm grabbed by an interdimensional rift and trapped in an interphasic reality that exists somewhere between time and space. My life is over before it ever began. I mean, was that really God's plan for me ... to float in an interphasic void ... all my hopes and dreams dashed? And why? Because of someone named Marge who lives in a place called Allentown. I hate Marge, whoever she is. ... Well, you don't need to hear my troubles, do you? One good thing to come of it, I guess, is that I can talk and think now. ... Though, I have no one to talk to and my life was too short to have much to think about. ... Anyway. I'm supposed to tell you about a new post on Parallel Time, but I don't really feel like it.

Never mind

2010-06-14T11:41:00.003-04:00

One minute I was playing hide-and-go-seek with Mr. Bear's little girls in the Secret Room in 1867 and the next minute I'm stuck here with these stinky dinosaurs in prehistoric times. I think that's just awful. And Adam and Eve are the worst neighbors ever. And that boy of theirs -- Cane. What a brat! And this stupid elevator. It never comes. ... Oh. Right. I was supposed to mention that there's a new post about about some nasty something or other at Parallel Time. ... Never mind.

My balls are smoking!

2010-06-11T10:27:00.001-04:00

This has been the longest and most turbulent segment of our interdimensional elevator voyage thus far. Truman, are you quite sure that you are practicing economy in the bouncing of your I Ching balls?

My balls are barely bouncing. Are you sure that you shouldn't be bringing the drink cart around?

You may live to regret your impertinence some day, Truman.

Your balls may not be bouncin' but this been a purty rough ride. Hmm.

And what could be causing these bright flashing lights?

Maybe it's covered in Bramwell's letter.

-POOF!-

The drink cart! It just disappeared!

No! ... Oh! My balls are smoking!

According to what I can glean from Bramwell's interdimensional protocols, the flashing lights may be indicative of the opening of interdimensional rifts.

Mmm. So I reckon one of them interdimensional rifts opened up and grabbed ol' Marge's drink cart. I reckon that means the cart is trapped in some sorta interphasic reality that exists somewhere's between time an' space. Hmm.

So, theoretically, any of us could be pulled into an interdimensional rift at any moment and be lost forever?

I reckon. ... Guess that's why ol' Bramwell said "Interdimensional travel a'fraught with unspeakable danger" and whatnot. Mmm. ... He said that before them crows got to peckin' him to death, a'course. Mmm.

And why would Truman's I Ching balls be smoking?

I'm afraid that is not covered in the protocols.

I reckon he been workin' them too hard.

Hey, I've been under a lot of stress!

-POOF!-

Scrapple?

The dinosaur! it's gone!

That dinosaur has a name!

Mmm. Interphasic Toast, I reckon.

Is Scrapple getting bigger?

2010-06-09T12:20:00.003-04:00

I am afraid this uniform is completely unacceptable. I am going to change back into the old one.

According to Bramwell's note, we must follow protocol at all times. If you change uniforms, we all have to change uniforms. ... And we like our uniforms.

Do what you wish, but I am changing.

Mmmm. Looks like there's some more uniforms in ol' Bramwell's sack we could try.

Is it my imagination or is that dinosaur getting bigger?

That dinosaur has a name. It's Scrapple.

Excuse me. Is it my imagination or is Scrapple getting bigger?

He gettin purty big, I reckon. Mmm.

Well, what do you think of this uniform?

I think I'd like a gin and tonic and a bag of nuts.

Hmmm.

We are weak and stupid

2010-06-08T08:43:00.000-04:00

You may stop pecking me now. They are gone.

Yes, Master Bramwell.

Do you think they believed our little theatre?

Yes, Master Bramwell. You are wise.

You are wise and powerful, oh master.

I must say, some of you were pecking me somewhat more vigorously than I would have preferred.

Forgive us Master Bramwell!

You are wise and powerful. We are weak and stupid.

Our brains are tiny despite our immense size, Master Bramwell.

Good Lord! My left eye is actually missing! Which one of you crows pecked out my eye?

Caw! I do not know, Master Bramwell.

I miss my codpiece

2010-06-07T10:10:00.000-04:00

I reckon these new uniforms aint so bad.

Mine seems a bit snug.

I miss my codpiece.

I have some reservations about my uniform. I'm not at all sure what Mr. Bramwell was thinking.

Oh, I know what he was thinking ...

Hmm. That dinosaur's gettin purty big.

We could all do with a little less tango

2010-06-04T10:22:00.001-04:00

Karl, what is happening outside of the elevator?

Them crows is peckin on ol' Bramwell purty good. Hmm mm.

I am running out of time. ... You must escape quickly! Truman, bounce your balls as you've never bounced them before!

Roger alpha tango!!

We could all do with a little less tango, Truman.

We's a movin'. Hmm.

And rather swiftly at that. Oh, I don't have a good feeling about this.

When have you ever had a good feeling about anything, toad? You should be ashamed of your cowardice in light of the supreme sacrifice Mr. Bramwell has made for our sake.

Hmmm. Too late. He a'fainted again. Mmm.

We do seem to be travelling rather swiftly this time. Perhaps, Truman, you could bounce your balls a little less furiously.

Hmm. You oughtter throttle back on them little fellers.

Hrmf!

Hey Marge. There's a note addressed to ya in ol' Bramwell's bag. Hmm.

Don't call me Marge! ... "Open in the event of my demise, Bramwell B. Bramwell, Esq." ... Oh my! Bramwell says we must follow interdimensional protocol if we are to be successful in our quest. Here is a list of rules.

What do we have to do?

Ah, you are awake. ... Well, first we must change our uniforms to the ones provided in this bag.

Farewell, Mr. Bramwell

2010-06-03T10:55:00.000-04:00

What is that awful noise?

I believe we are hearing the clatter of large beaks pecking against the elevator doors.

The I Ching paddles won't work!

The paddles will not function until we open the doors.

Open the doors? ... Send the dinosaur out there!

I am afraid that our dinosaur friend can't help us with these really big crows.

Mr. Bramwell?

We all know what the crows want, Mrs. Egram.

Or who they want, rather.

Mr. Bramwell!

I am afraid it must be, Mrs. Egram. ... You saved me from the crows and now it is time to repay that debt. ... Truman, you must bounce your I Ching balls furiously the moment I step out of the elevator. And Mr. Green Person ...

He done fainted agin. Mmm.

All right. Karl, you must close these doors the moment I disembark.

Mr. Bramwell ... Will we ever see you again?

Unlikely, my dear Mrs. Egram.

Them crows gonna peck him all over. Hmmm. I reckon this is a little bit ironic. Mmm.

I assure you I will not go gently into that good night. I will fight them off until you are able to escape. Godspeed, my dear Mrs. Egram. ... Save Allentown!

Farewell, Mr. Bramwell. Boo hoo.

Truman, start bouncing your balls!

Oh, they're bouncing. Furiously.

Is we in Allentown?

2010-06-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Mrs. Egram, you and your companions have freed me from the clutches of the crows. I am forever in your debt.

We may need your help to save Allentown.

I would lay down my life for Allentown, Mrs. Egram!

You may have to.

The elevator is slowing down.

It has stopped. Where are we now, Mr. Bramwell?

Oh dear.

Is we in Allentown? Mmmm.

Mr. Bramwell?

If the indicator is correct, I believe we are in the Realm of the Really Big Crows.

Is that good?

It most assuredly is not, my green friend.

I had no choice

2010-05-28T10:17:00.017-04:00

Explain yourself, Mr. Bramwell. Why are you harboring a crow in your knapsack?

You don't understand, Mrs. Egram. I had no choice.

The crows attempted to kill us in Turkey, did you know that? ... Or was it Hungary?

It was Turkey, Truman. And yes I am aware of your past associations with the crows.

We ate a mess of them Turkey crows. Hmm mm.

I said, explain yourself!

I had no choice! The crows enslaved me as a child and they force me to do their bidding. The crow in my sack is called Gorgon. He is an important leader among the crows. He is my overseer.

Him's the crow you keep in that cage. Hmmm.

No! He keeps me in a cage. He was only posing as my pet for your benefit.

What is he doing here, with us?

As you know, Mrs. Egram, normally the crows are able to fly through time and through dimensions as easily other birds fly through the air.

Like penguins? Hmmm.

Caw! Penguins are the enemy!

No. Nothing like penguins! Please, let me continue. Since the implementation of the celestial lockdown protocols by Lord Newman, the crows have been unable to travel into Parallel Time. I was commanded to bring Gorgon into Parallel Time with you.

Why didn't you just take him on the elevator yourself?

I couldn't. Carrot Top was monitoring my activities. He is an acolyte of Lord Newman, as are Chuckie and Onslo. I needed your help to defeat them.

Onslo?

I expected him to be there, but his whereabouts are unknown to me.

Why do these crows of yours seek to enter Parallel Time?

They believe a sacred atrifact exists there in the Antarctic that they can use to bring about the appocalypse. Gorgon was hoping to contact a mythical creature known as the Great White Crow.

Preposterous!

The crows may be evil, Mrs. Egram, but no one ever accused them of being intelligent. Their brains are quite tiny.

Caw!

What was to become of us, Mr. Bramwell.

The crows commanded me to leave you in one of the more inhospitable timelimes. ... But I decided to turn against them. I see you as a lifeline to my freedom, Mrs. Egram. You must believe me.

What about Gorgon?

I know someone who is waiting for his supper.

Grrr.

Caw!

Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this blog entry. ... Except for the crow. He was killed.

Did you say Demerol?

2010-05-21T09:34:00.008-04:00

What are we supposed to do with this dinosaur?

One of the rules of interdimensional travel is that if Jesus tells you to take a dinosaur, you take the dinosaur.

You have a lot of rules.

That dinosaur is just a baby. He's probably hungry.

I don't like the way he is looking at me.

He probably thinks your his mother. Maybe you should nurse him.

You are disgusting. ... I feel feint.

The lovely Mrs. Egram has a point. The creature is probably famished. Does anyone have any food?

I have some granola bars, some dried fruit, some nuts ...

Talk about disgusting! Bramwell asked for food. It's a dinosaur not a rabbit!

Well, what sort of food do you have, Truman?

Well, let me see. Um, some Jack Daniels, a tin of beluga ... some Demoral.

I got me some french fried potaters and some potted meat. Hmm.

I have a package of orange-dyed crackers and heavily processed peanut butter. Also some Turkish taffy. ... Did you say Demerol?

Oh yes. And not the generic stuff either.

Might you be interested in trading for some Vicodin?

Even up? Throw in an Oxycodone and it's a deal.

Perhaps if you were to include an Ambien. ...

Generic OK?

Done!

Pardon me for interrupting your interdimensional drug deal, but the dinosaur. ... Bramwell, do you have any food?

Of course. I have some pemmican, some Tang and some suet.

Suet? My God, what for? Another one of your rules?

Mmm. It probably for that crow he hidin' in his backpack. Hmmm.

Caw!

A strange message

2010-05-13T14:00:00.003-04:00

Atown Liker gets a strange message on Parallel Time. Hurry!

All heck is breaking loose

2010-05-11T11:10:00.000-04:00

The elevator has stopped!
Thank God!

Be very still everyone. We know not what may lurk beyond the elevator doors.
Here's a clue. ... Look at the warning sign.

This is not good. I shall look through the peephole.

Oh my! I feel feint. ... Paddle, Truman! Paddle!

Someone is knocking on the door! Mr. Bramwell! We must leave this place immediately!

I am afraid that is impossible. When someone knocks on the door we must answer it. Those are the rules of Alternate Time travel. ... Be very quiet. ... Yes? May I help you?

Check the peephole!

Dudes, open up!

Very well.

Here, dude. Take the dino and get out of here. All heck is breaking loose!

But Jesus ....

Sorry, dude, gotta run. Now get outta here!
Truman, start bouncing the I Ching paddles!
Roger!

Someone is knocking on the door again!
Fortunately, we are only required to answer the door once. ... We're off!

...
What is wrong with this darn elevator?

A warning sign

2010-05-10T10:06:00.017-04:00

Everyone, run for the I Ching elevator!

Karl, your uniform!

Hmmm. Reckon I'll just keep this'n on fer now. Hmmm.

I see it!

Wait!

Oh dear! A warning sign! I feel ...

Ignore it! Truman, the paddles!

Way ahead of you Bramwell!

Start the elevator!

We're off!

Rats!

2010-05-03T10:21:00.005-04:00

Mmm. Hmmm.

Come and get it! ... Uh oh!

Mmm. Hmmm.

Rats!

Well done, Karl! Now let us hurry to the I Ching elevator.

Save yourselves

2010-04-29T13:29:00.000-04:00

It looks like Bramwell is getting the upper hand!

But he's taking a terrible beating in the process!

I find this all very distasteful ... but exhilarating!

Hmmm. Look like Ol' Bramwell givin that red-headed feller an asswhoopin. Mmm.

Submit, Carrot Top!

Uncle! Uncle! I quit!

Oh, Mr. Bramwell! Well done. Are you badly hurt?

Bruised, perhaps, Mrs. Egram, but unbowed.

Oh! Tee-hee!

We must make our way to the I Ching elevator without delay!

Not so fast Bramwell!

Chucky!

Save yourselves, Mrs. Egram. Run for the elevator. I'll try to hold him off for as long as I can!

Karl! What is that?

Some folks calls it a sling blade. I call it a kaiser blade. Mmm. ... Reckon I'm gonna kill that other red-headed feller.

Hmmm. Mmm.

Stand aside, Carrot Top!

2010-04-23T12:15:00.000-04:00

Be very quiet as we slip past the tattoo parlor.

Hey dudes, what's up?

That would be none of your concern.

What's with the freaky duds? Are you dudes going to a costume party?

Hmm mm. These is inter-dimensional travel uniforms. Mmm. We's a fixin' to go to Parallel Time. Mmm.

Parallel Time? Dudes, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

Stand aside, Carrot Top!

Oh, I don't think so, Bramwell. Arrgghhh!

Good heavens!

Oh my. I feel feint.

Young man, put your clothes on at once!

Stand back, Mrs. Egram! Leave Carrot Top to me.

Grrrrrrr!

Oh my! Tee-hee.

I reckon them fellers is fixin' to fight. Hmmm.

Grrrrrr! Arrrghhh!

We are on a mission to save Allentown

2010-04-22T08:25:00.001-04:00

Is this absurd apparel absolutely necessary?

My dear Mrs. Egram, inter-dimensional travel is fraught with danger. These uniforms will offer us some protection.

If you ask me these ensembles are preposterous ... not to mention somewhat risque.

Mrs. Egram, I think the uniform agrees with you. You look stunning!

Oh, Mr. Bramwell. Tee hee.

I reckon I look like some kinda sissy in this getup. Mmm hmmm.

Yes, you do. ... I think my suit, however, is quite fetching. I feel as snug as a bug in a rug in this comfy codpiece.

Spare me your perverse observations, Truman. I feel like some ridiculous lizard in this costume.

If, as they say, the shoe fits ...

Now if everyone would listen to me carefully. We will proceed to the underground tattoo parlor, where we first met.

You mean the comfort station. I thought you told us the comfort station was not the portal to Parallel Time.

The portal is not in the comfort station, but it is nearby. If you would stop toying with your codpiece long enough to listen to me, you might know that.

Oh, fine. Talk.

In this timeline we do not do our inter-dimensional travel in toilets, sir. We use the I Ching elevator. We must proceed quickly past the tattoo parlor and into the elevator without arousing the suspicions of Carrot Top.

And if we do arouse his suspicions?

Then I shall deal with him myself. ... Once aboard the elevator, we shall use the I Ching paddles to harness the energy of inter-dimensional space to begin our journey.

Oh, the paddles. How long will it take?

That cannot be known. But once the elevator has stopped we will need to open the doors to see if we are in the correct universe and timeline. If we are not in the right place, we must seal the doors immediately and start again. I cannot begin to describe to you the dangers that may await us if we travel into the wrong time.

Sir, we are on a mission to save Allentown. Nothing shall dissuade us.

You know, I'm starting to miss the other Marge.

All right. My dear lady and gentlemen, it is time to assemble.

Onward!

You wouldn't! ... You would?

2010-04-21T11:36:00.000-04:00

Caw! Caw!

Caw! Caw?

Caw. Caw. Caw!

Caw. ... Caw?

Caw!!

OK. OK! Caw! ... Caw!

Did you caw for me, Gorgon?

Caw! Caw! Caw!

Surely you must be joking!

Caw! Caw!

How utterly reckless. It is too dangerous! ... And, no I most certainly did not call you Shirley!

Caw!

I won't do it. The volcano ...

Caw!

No, I do not want to go back in the cage!

Caw!

You wouldn't! ...

Caw!

You would? ... Very well, I shall phone her and make the necessary arrangements. ... But the blood will be on your claws, not mine.

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Egram. It is I, Bramwell Bramwell. I have some good news. It appears the volcano dust has dissipated sufficiently enough for us to travel.

Excellent news, Mr. Bramwell! My party shall prepare to leave post haste!

Caw!

Damn the volcano!

2010-04-19T12:44:00.006-04:00

Excuse me, Gorgon, I must take this call. ... Hello? Bramwell Bramwell speaking.

Hello? Mr. Bramwell? ... It is I, Mrs. Egram.

Mrs. Egram, what a lovely surprise!

May I enquire as to when we shall depart for Parallel Time?

It is not advisable at this time, I am afraid. ...

Well, I am afraid that that is simply unacceptable, Mr. Bramwell.

My dear Mrs. Egram, please call me Bramwell. I am afraid the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland has disrupted travel to alternate universes in this timeline. I am so sorry.

Unacceptable! I demand to be taken to Parallel Time!

But Mrs. Egram. We must wait. The danger of travelling at this time is accute. ...

Damn the volcano! ... What is that noise? Do I hear a phone ringing?

Excuse me. I am terribly sorry. ... Gorgon? Is that your phone??

Caw!

It has to be true

2010-04-14T12:41:00.007-04:00

What do you have to report?

Caw! Master, I have been reading the blogs ....

Guards! Execute this crow! He has gone mad!

But wait. Hear me! ... It is about the relic.

Wait. Let him caw.

Have you heard of the Great White Crow?

Heresy! Guards!

Wait, wait. They say the Great White Crow is under the ice in Antarctica in Parallel Time....

Under the ice? Caw!

Master, I read it on a blog. It has to be true.

Kill him immediately.

Caw.

Under the ice in Parallel Time ... hmmm.

Like birds in a tree

2010-03-08T09:10:00.009-05:00

So, you are seeking access to Parallel Time so that you may return to non-Parallel Time, but in another timeline?

Yes. We want to go to Parallel Time and return to non-Alternate non-Parallel Time.

Some might find that phrase insulting, ghost.

Who are you calling a ghost?

You see, though I am somewhat of a time tourist, I am a native of this timeline. What may be Alternate Time for you is non-Alternate Time for me, and for you, I suspect, my lovely new friend.

Oh! Indeed. Hee hee!

Would you like more honey for your tea, Mrs. Egram? I am afraid, however, the purest honey could not hope to be as sweet as your smile.

Oh dear me! No sugar, thank you. Tee hee!

Hmm. Lookit. Ol' Marge a blushin'.

Oh, brother.

In fact, sir, your very terminology -- Alternate Time versus non-Alternate Time -- betrays your egocentricity. Like birds in a tree we are actually surrounded by hundreds of what you call alternate timelines branching out around us.

Hmmm. Like crows?

Let us not speak of the crows.

Mmmm. On my way to the toilet I seen you have yerself a crow in a cage in that room over yonder. Mmm.

Um, he is a pet. I call him Gorgon. ... Corvids are most intelligent creatures. At times, I find their company more pleasant than that of humans. ... Present company excluded, of course, my dear Mrs. Egram.

Tee hee!

Where was I? Ah, yes. The branches of time. ... As I see it, your plan has a fatal flaw. Through the use of the I Ching paddles I can help you to reach the place that you call Parallel Time, but once there, it will be very difficult to return you to the timeline of your choosing. The wrong choice could prove fatal. Many of the branches of time are quite inhospitable to human life. It could be, for instance, that you return to an earth that remains in an Ice Age, or one that is still a molten mass enveloped in poisonous gases. In short, your journey will be fraught with unspeakable dangers. Are you positive you wish to undertake it?

You had me at paddles.

Long live the Olympics

2010-02-28T20:05:00.003-05:00

Purity. Body. Flavor. Long live the Olympics!

He was jealous

2010-02-26T12:39:00.007-05:00

What's wrong, Carrot Top?

Oh, some mean dude said I look like Chucky.

You know what? He was probably jealous of your big arms.

That's probably right! He was jealous. Look at me. I am so ripped!

Damn right. You are huge, my man. He was so jealous. So what if you've had a little work done. You look great!

I bet he can't do this!

Man, I would kill for your eyebrows. In fact, I might.

Hey, I heard there's a new post on Parallel Time.

My arms are huge!

2010-02-23T10:30:00.001-05:00

Here we are! The corner of Seventh and Hamilton. No sign of the massive destruction you've described in non-Alternate Allentown.

And no signs of that evil bitch Marge! ... Um. ... No offense intended, Mrs. Egram.

None taken, my toad. ... And this must be the stairway that leads to the subterranean comfort station.

Wait, this nothing but a tattoo parlor!

And a pawn shop! Can I help you dudes?

Sir, are you the one known as Old Donovan?

Nope. Hey, look! My arms are huge!

Be that as it may, I must insist that you take us either to Old Donovan or to the portal that leads to Parallel Time.

You dudes are trippin'!

I assure you, sir, that I am neither a dude nor have I stumbled in any way. Our feet are firmly planted beneath us, young man -- or whatever you may be. Please convey us to Old Donovan immediately or suffer the consequences!

Dudes, I don't know what you're talking about.

Listen, Chucky, you don't want to mess with this lady. ...

Pardon me, Madame. Might I be of assistance?

You might, if you are Old Donovan.

I'm afraid not, madame. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Bramwell.

Hmmm. You looks kinda familiar.

Looks, you may find, can be deceiving my, dimwitted new friend. ... I am afraid you will not find Old Donovan here. ... At least not in this timeline.

What do you know of alternate timelines?

Hey, who you callin' Chucky?

Shhh.

You'll find I know quite a bit about time. Parallel Time, Alternate timelines, metaphasic time. ...

Can you help us to reach Parallel Time?

Let us discuss it over a cup of tea. ... Madame, have you ever heard of the I Ching?

I Ching?

Gesundheit, Dude!

It's good to be home

2010-02-12T10:15:00.014-05:00

Ah! It's good to be home.

Father! Father! You've returned! And dear Maxwell! Oh joy!

My dear Meg. I always knew you would get a speaking part some day!

But if you were to utter the words 'Oh joy' another time, I suspect that would change rather quickly.

This is our friend Mrs. Egram. She has helped us return home after our long journey into the future! It is 1868 isn't it?

Oh, father. Don't jest. You've only been gone for two hours!

Two hours? We've been gone for over a year!

Hmm. Anbody notice anythin' differnt 'bout Truman? Mmm.

Good heavens! He's human once again!

Truman! You are back!

Indeed I am! It must be because I stepped through the time portal in the same direction two times in a row! .... Though I must say, I rather enjoyed being a flying polar bear rug, gliding though time and space. ...

This is all very interesting, I'm sure, but it is imperative that we return to Alternate Time and speak to Mr. Old Donovan about travelling to Parallel Time.

Meg, did Miss Emily ever return?

No, father. We were playing hide-and-go-seek and she simply vanished. We thought she had hidden herself in that old blanket chest but we have not been able to open it.

Strange. ... I wonder where she could have gotten to?

..........................................................

Oh, I don't think I like it here at all!

Nej blot Krage

2010-02-05T09:53:00.014-05:00

Here we are! Allentown is Nice Headquarters! Ah, it feels like home!

Be on your guard, my toad. Do not forget this is Alternate Time for you and things may not be as you expect them to be. ... Who are those people sitting on the front step?

The neighbors. They have nothing better to do, I guess.

Now, now. Communication is the key to understanding. Let us speak to them. ... Excuse me, gentlemen. My name is Mrs. Egram. Is Mr. Liker at home?

No English.

Perdone, caballeros. Mi nombre es la Sra. Egram. ¿Está Sr. Liker en su casa hoy?

Um, no Spanish.

Very well. ... Er Mr Liker i sit hjem i dag?

Nej, han er gået til parallelle tid.

Ah! Mange tak, mine venner. ... According to my new Danish friends, Mr. Liker is not presently at home. It seems he has traveled to Parallel Time.

Then let us find the secret room and my son and I will return to our own time.

Wait. ... Er der nogen hjemme?

Nej blot Krage.

Alright, then. The coast is, as you say, clear. ... On to the secret room!

"Hmmm. Ain't Krage the Danish word for crow?

This didn't used to be a Danish neighborhood.